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Went Down Jokes

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.

The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"

The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."

I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

Three engineers were riding in a car, went down a hill, and crashed.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the brakes. Let me check 'em out." The electrical engineer said, "I think it was something in the electrical system. Let me check it out." The software engineer said, "Let's push it back up the hill and run it again."

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

I went down the rabbit hole

and found a carrot.

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

I went down to the deli the other day.

I went down to the deli the other day and got myself a sub sandwich. I walked out of the store and towards the park, and I was just about to take my first bite, when out of nowhere, Dave Grohl ran up behind me and snatched it from my grasp. I knew I couldn't outrun him, so I just shook my fist and t...

The titanic went down in 60 seconds

Let that sink in for a minute

Reddit servers went down today, so I went downstairs and spoke with my family.

They seem like nice people.

My Grandfather went down in history…

He also allegedly got a handjob in geography.

What do you call a Roman who just went down on his girlfriend?

Glad he ate her...
Are you not entertained?

What did the Frenchman say when he went down the slide?

Yes

One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...

One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. H...

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

A man went down from Chicago to the Key West for a holiday.

His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the gri...

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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.

While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe.

The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked......her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had noth...

Went down the pub...

I went to a pub yesterday evening and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code because I needed to check a message.

"Oh no" he said, "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. N...

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I went down on my girlfriend for the first time...

And I said, "Damn you got a huge pussy! Damn you got a huge pussy! Damn you got a huge pussy! "

She said, "Why'd you say that three times!!!"

I replied, "I didn't "

Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library.

Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.

He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."

I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."

I went down to the paint store to get Thinner.

It didn't work.

Did you hear Keith Richards and Mick Jagger's airplane went down after a goose flew in the engine?

Killed two Stones with one bird

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

I went down wearing a copper-hat diving suit to see a group of coelacanths

It was old school

The Devil went down to Georgia, tried to raise some Republican cash

And they woulda won, if they hadn't run
All their ads in Adobe Flash.

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A Chinese prostitute told me this after I went down on her.

*"Many man eat, but Fu Manchu!"*

What did Santa say when he mistakenly went down the chimney of a brothel?

Ho, ho, ho

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I went down to the basement but I can’t remember why...

I call this story Amnesia: The Dark Descent

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

Internet went down last night

My neighbour added a password

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local pub.

The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

Heard about the Moscow plane that went down...

...probably because they were rushin’

On his first day at a resort in Greece, George and his wife went down to the beach.

Later when he went back to his room to get something to drink, he found the chambermaid making their bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way back out when he stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"

"Sure." she replied. "Let me finish the rest of the rooms first....

A smug prisoner went down a flight of stairs.

He was a condescending con descending.

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I was listening carefully to my girlfriend's instructions as I went down.

She told me to speed up and get further down, then screamed 'SLOWER! SLOWER!' a couple of times. We both jerked and shook much harder than we had expected to. At the end of it all she grinned and gave me a big 'thumbs up'

. . . I had landed the plane successfully

What did Oedipus say when we went down on a girl?

Nom, mom, mom, mom.

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. I picked up a girl in a bar the other night and we went back to her place. We started making out and getting naked. I went down and started munching on that pussy and got a piece of corn in my mouth.

.. I didn’t think to much of it, just threw over my shoulder and went on eating. Then I got a green bean in my mouth. I like green beans, I just ate it and went back down. Then I got a piece of asparagus in my mouth. That was to much. I hate asparagus. I looked up at her and said,”God damn woman, ar...

What did Russell Crowe say when he went down on his girlfriend?

I don't know, but he was Gladiator

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So I went down on my wife for the first time

After having our 2nd kid. I told her "damn you got a big pussy, damn you got a big pussy." She looked at me shocked and asked why I said it twice and I said I didn't!

I once went down on a girl without knowing she was on her period

Boy was my face red.

Did you hear about the guy whose temperature went down to absolute zero?

He was 0K

Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours...

Today Grindr went down on thousands of people...

Fortunately, there was no interruption in service.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

A paraplegic went down a runway...

She made for a great roll-model.

What did the pirate say when someone went down on him?

Thar she blows!

All the power lines went down in a storm last Friday ...

Everyone was *delighted*.

I went to my new male Gynecologist and he said to spread my legs so that he could numb it down there. So he went down and went

numnumnumnumnumnum

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A guy went down the stairs from the 20th floor while looking out the window downstair of each floor

Then once he reached the ground floor he hugged the man sitting outside. Then the man said "what the fuck? Do I know you???" Then the guy said "i knew you when you were very little"

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[NSFW] What do you call a guy who just went down on a girl for the first time?

A Clitourist.

The devil went down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal

He was walking along the country road when he saw a boy playing his fiddle on the side of the road.

The devil walks up to him and says, "Hey boy, you're pretty good with that fiddle, but I bet that I'm better than you."

The little boy says, "Alright, mister. What do you have in mind?"<...

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

500 dollars

Dave, Carl and Carl's wife, sara were playing cards on Thursday morning. Dave's card fell under the table and when he went down to get it, he saw that Sara was not wearing underwear.

Dave got back up and went to kitchen to get some refreshment. Sara followed her into the kitchen and asked, "...

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A ship went down on a reef...

There were only three survivors; a 25 year old man, a dog, and a cat.

They were washed up on a deserted tropical island. Food and water were no problem, but after a month the man started to get the urge to have sex. As there were no other people, he was forced to choose between the dog and...

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A husband and wife were trying to think of ways to spice up their sex life...

So one day the man came home with some flavored condoms. That night they were in bed, and the wife went down under the covers.

A few seconds later she popped her head back up and said, "Ugh, that one tastes like cheese!"

And her husband said, "I didn't put it on yet."

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

Got tired of hearing my girlfriend complain that I never went down on her

She stopped after I chewed her out.

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room

-and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So...

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Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch an...

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Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women.

he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.


Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day ...

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There’s a surprising amount of Zootopia porn out there

I went down a deep rabbit hole last night

I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

GOD said, Adam, I want you to do something for me. Gladly, Lord, replied Adam. What do you want me to do? Go down into the valley. Whats a valley? asked Adam.

God explained to him, then said, Cross the river.
Whats a river?
God explained it to him, and then continued, Go over the hill.
Whats a hill?
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.
Whats a cave?
After God explained, he...

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[NSFW] I was wondering why some people felt sexually attracted to animals, and decided to investigate.

During my research I went down quite a few rabbit holes.

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

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