UPJOKE

Welcome To Jokes

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Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club

Thank you all for coming.

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Welcome to invisibility class.

I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.

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Welcome to Masturbators Anonymous.

I'm disappointed that you all came today.

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Hello and welcome to the Mental Help Hotline

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you’re paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If...

"Welcome to the 41st Annual meeting of the Ohio Parasites Club"

"I'm Andrew Smith, and I'll be your host for the day"

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Welcome to West Virginia…

It’s all relative

Welcome to the Assumption Club

I think we all know why we are here.

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Welcome to our church

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor has a rule that all new members must go three weeks without having sex.

Three weeks go by and the first couple comes back. The pastor says, "So how did it go?"

"It was pretty hard, but we made it," says the first couple.

"Well,...

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

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Welcome to hell!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.


Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.


Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' ma...

Welcome to Lannister family mattress store!

Where we push two twins together to make a king.

Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!

Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?

Russian: Business

Customs agent: Occupation?

Russian: Yes

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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

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Hey, welcome to the nude beach!

Oh hey, I’m looking for my blind friend.

Oh how can we find him?

Well, it shouldn’t be hard.

Welcome to Wuhan!

The city of masked heroes.

Welcome to book-binding club

Make yourself a tome.

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Welcome to reddit...

Where even virgins can give you sex advice

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

'Welcome to the turbocharger club'

'But I don't want to join the turbocharger club!'


'We're going to MAKE you a member, whether you like it or not'


'How?'


'Forced induction'

Welcome to r/Jokes

100% Recycled Materials

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Welcome to the neighborhood

A fella working on Wall St. decides he has had enough of the rat race. He's made a lot of money, so he buys himself a piece of land way out in the boonies where his nearest neighbors will be miles away.

He's been living out there for a couple weeks, fixing up the old house and generally enjo...

Hello and welcome to Contradictions Anonymous.

What's your name?

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

Welcome to the harvest!

I am your reap host.

"Welcome to BMW, how can I help you?"

"I would like to talk about the Mercedes in the window."

"There is no Mercedes there!"

"Well, now there is..."

Welcome to Alzheimer’s club

Now the first rule of Alzheimer’s club is that....we don’t talk about chess club

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Welcome to Jamaica

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was ...

Welcome to our ' OOL'.

Notice there is no 'P' so lets keep it that way

Welcome to the United States...

Where the laws are made up and the votes don't matter.

Welcome to Existentialists Anonymous.

Can anyone tell me why we're here?

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[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No....

Agent: "Welcome to Delta, can I help you?"

Passenger: "Hi, I'm going to Boston. I'd like this bag sent to Miami, and this one to Atlanta."

Agent: "I'm sorry, but we can't do that sir."

Passenger: "Really? Because you did it last week..."



Credit to /u/SilverbackBob

Welcome to cucumber club...

“Is this your first time?"
"Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."

Welcome to the suspense hotline.

Please hold.

Welcome to my 3 step programme on how to climb ladders

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

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"Welcome to porn! Are you at least 18 years of age?"

*inhales cigarette*

"Always have been..."

"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club.

Who wants a cold one?

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

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Welcome to the premature ejaculation party.

A lot of you came early. I’m not surprised.

Welcome to organic chemistry

Where questions like 'where do you keep your chloroform?', are no longer suspicious.

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Welcome to PornHub!

We will be looking forward to you hard at work here!

Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page...

...please enter your 17 digit password.

Hello and welcome to Pessimism club.

Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.

Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?

Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption

Adoption Agent: wth?... sir...you must be mistaken... we...

Me: *crying* Please...help...I can't raise them on my own

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What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking 'Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me...'

I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Welcome to the 2018 Golden Globes

Where Hollywood will pat itself on the back and several men will pat Hollywood on the front

Welcome to the conservative party

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I...

Welcome to your first day of class

Today we will be studying binary 5

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Welcome to the "Masturbation 101" course. This is quite sudden, but there will be a test next week.

I hope all of you will come

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

Welcome to America, land of the red, white and blue

Red necks, white trash and blue collars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to Jamaica

A Jamaican man and his girlfriend of four weeks decide to take it to the bedroom for the first time. Both excited, they run off and get right into it when she notices he has a tattoo. She gasps and says "What the fuck is that? Why do you have 'Wendy' tattooed on your cock?". Puzzled, the man looks d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

"Welcome to Cheapskates Anonymous, would anybody like to start?"

"I'd like to say that I'm not a cheapskate. I'm just here for the free coffee."

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Welcome to the ice cream shop.

So a man walks into an ice cream shop. He looks around and then walks up to the clerk.
Clerk: "Welcome! How can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, can i have a cup of chocolate ice cream?"
Clerk: "I'm sorry sir but we don't actually have any chocolate at the moment. We're all out."
Customer loo...

Welcome to the church of vegetables...

Lettuce pray.

Welcome to the school of hard knocks...

You'd better hope your front door can take it!

Welcome to the Geology Department

Have a gneiss day!

Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial

SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

Welcome to Christmas, we've got gold and frankincense...

But wait, there's myrrh!

Welcome to our swimming ool !

Notice there is no P in it.

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay

A guy asks his fiance to marry him. She says okay, but only if you get a tattoo of my name on your dick. The guy agrees and gets "Wendy" tattooed on his dick. When he has a soft one you could only see "WY"

They ends up going to Jamaica for their honeymoon. The guy goes into the bathroom and ...

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The KKK recently announced that male Asian porn stars are welcome to join the Klan

As they too are a part of he supreme cockasian race

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same.

Every time a child is born, a man leaves town.

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