UPJOKE

We Need To Talk Jokes

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That’s….not a good sign.

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We need to talk...

A young man had asked his parents to talk one day. He nervously asked them to sit down as he had something serious he wanted to tell them.

"Mom, Dad it's really hard to tell you this but I want to. I'm gay." The son said, looking from one to the other.

"That's fine sweetie. As long as ...

Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk.

Sorry for ignoring you in the past.

Son, we need to talk

'Son, we need to talk!'

'Yes, dad?'

'Your mother said she saw you watching inappropriate videos online. Those videos are trash, they’re garbage and if you keep watching them, you’ll go blind!'

'Dad?'

'Yes, son?'

'I’m over here.'

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

What's more concerning than a text saying 'We need to talk...'

Global warming

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A shot putter says to her coach "We need to talk about these 'supplements' you've been giving me"

He says "Anything the matter with them?" and she says "Well, to be honest, I do have a couple of concerns." She has a quick look around and pulls up the front of her shirt, revealing a thick mass of hair covering her chest and down as far as her waistband.

The coach blinks and says "And how f...

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

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Dirty Sheep Shearer

Baz the sheep shearer had just completed a six week 'shed', a live-in shearing job working with a gang on a farm with thousands of sheep. His back was sore, he'd worked long days and he was looking forward to heading home to his wife and kids.

When he walked in and caught up with his family, ...

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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

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A woman walks into a doctors office

After getting through the door she stomps her way to the reception desk. Not waiting for even a greeting she blows up " I WANNA TALK TO DOCTOR JOHNSON AND I WANNA TALK TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW!" With eyes the size of dinner plates the receptionist rushes to retrieve the doctor. Moments later ...

My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her.

I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"

An overweight man goes to the doctor

The doctor says “sir we need to talk about your weight. It’s been a growing concern and I’m afraid if it gets worse, you’ll have some major heart issues. I think it’s time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?”

The man goes “please, en...

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

A man walks in his front door, and is confronted by his wife, friends, parents. Everyone he loves is in this room. His wife comes up and hugs him...

“Honey. We all love you, but we need to talk to you.” She says gently.

“About what?” He asks, still in a bit of shock.

“You’re addicted to gambling.” She lets a single tear trickle down her cheek, forcing a weak smile.

He pauses for a long moment...

“FIVE BUCKS SAYS I’M ...

What did the talking dog say to the talking cat?

We need to talk.

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Sean Connery is sitting at his desk

His wife walks in and says, "we need to talk, can I sit down?" Sean Connery says, "Shit."

when I was just a little girl I asked my mother what will I be will I be pretty? will I be rich? hear what she said to me.

SON WE NEED TO TALK.

How to become a The Fray fan in easy steps -

Step 1: You say, "We need to talk..."

Alcohol and life

Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

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HR pulled me into the office today for a disciplinary.

"We need to talk to you about your inappropriate sexual remarks made to Sarah."

"Why, what level of inappropriateness did she say I done?"

"Harass..."

"Yes, it is cute and I would eat my dinner off it. But what level of inappropriateness did she say I done?"

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Women's English vs. Men's English

**Women's English**

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not u...

Scientists decide they don't need God.

Some time in the future, not to terribly long from now there is a big scientist convention. At this convention they decide that there is no need for God anymore, scientists can do everything that God can do. So they choose a delegate to find God and inform Him of their decision and kindly ask Him to...

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A snail goes up to a man's door

And says "Excuse me, we need to talk."
The man proceeded to pick up the snail and hurl him as hard as he could. Three years later, the doorbell at the house rang. When the man answered it, the snail promptly yelled,
"What the fuck was that for?!"

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