UPJOKE
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Wasn't Jokes

Yo momma so fat, it wasn't the stork that brought her

It was the crane!

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's...

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

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I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died

Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

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I wasn't upset when my gf dumped me because I had a small penis.

I was never really that much into her.

Why wasn't Princess Leia married before she met Han Solo?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.

Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home?

His house didn't have windows!

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

I asked someone because I wasn't sure whether the correct spelling was humor or humour.

"Sounds like a *you* problem," I was told.

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

My 6th grade teacher, Miss Parkman, told me I'd never make it as a writer and said to find a career that wasn't so challenging. Well, 30 years later, after being turned down by almost every publisher on the planet, I'm thrilled to be able to announce that ...

... I heard Miss Parkman died.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

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Hitler wasn't a very athletic man.

He never even finished a single race.

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

My wife called me last night and told me if I wasn't home in 10 minutes then she was giving the meal she cooked for me to the dog. Thankfully I managed to make it home in 8 minutes.

The dog deserves much better than that.

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Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

but then I changed my mind

What did Lisa Marie say to Michael Jackson when she wasn't in the mood?

Just beat it.

I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough

I've handed in my too weak notice

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My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type

I'd be her type

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

Russia's president wasn't elected....

He was Putin!

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn't happy.

"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

Learning to collect trash wasn't that hard.

I just picked it up as I went along.

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later th...

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"Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn't fun was it?"

"NO DAD. It was fuck."

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

I would never have gotten into leather work if it wasn't for my mother.

She was really bad at cooking steak.

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Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ?

Because he always burns the franks.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

I wouldn't be the man I am today, if it wasn't for my father.

He refused to pay for my abortion.

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

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I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

Do you know why Tom wasn't able to close his windows?

Because Jerry had the mouse!

Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree?

Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

I was responding to another attorney's filing today but my heart wasn't in it.

You could say I was just going through the motions.

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I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances

funny

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

They say Jesus wasn't angry about getting crucified

But I think he was pretty crossed

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My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her

I said- "Back in 02."

It sounds much better than "February"

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As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it...

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange..

I've seen Stranger Things.

I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn't real.

It was a pigment of my imagination.

The last season of The Brady Bunch wasn't very good

They lost to the Cowboys.

My son wasn't allowed on the rollercoaster because he's not big enough.

How mean is that...making a two-year-old watch their dad go on it alone?!

No, your honor, it wasn't a bank robbery.

I'd rather call it a special financial operation.

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I found that amputee porn wasn't for me

There was just something missing...

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Before I started hormones I wasn't fussed about having boobs

But now they're growing on me

A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

The cleaning lady was almost finished cleaning a suite when she noticed her Hoover wasn't working.

Thinking quick, she threw it out the window, making the room a vacuum cleaner.

Being 62, I wasn't surprise to find my first grey pubic hair today.

What surprised me was finding it in the McDonald's cheeseburger I had for lunch.

Did you know that the first french fry wasn't cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

Turns out the archeologist's assistant wasn't actually crushed by a giant fresco.

It was a big relief

My girlfriend wasn't sure if she liked her new hairstyle.

I told her to sleep on it.

Genuinely happened today. Was pretty proud of myself.

Best joke my dad ever told me (he wasn't good at telling jokes)

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

You know, Inspector Javert wasn't mad

But he died in Seine.

I wasn't expecting to encounter a bridge on my commute

But I got over it

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Adolf Hitler wasn't so bad...

I mean he did kill Hitler.

When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

I WAS SHOCKED!

if it wasn't love, why does my heart ache so much whenever i see her?

I asked myself as i went to order my 3rd big mac

I used to work in a car wash, but I wasn't very productive.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the most practical place for a painter.

At first, I wasn't embarrassed about the way I broke my arm

But I heard the doctors calling it a "humerus fracture"

My wife wasn't sure about getting a pet werewolf at first

But she's since taken a real lycan to him.

I wasn't sure about having a beard.

But now its really starting to grow on me.

A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him.

Needless to say, they left him hanging.

Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War?

He doesn't work well with Vision

How do we know that the COVID virus wasn't made in China?

Because it has been 3 years and it's still working

Why wasn't the vet worried when I took my teenaged kangaroo in for an operation?

Because it was just roo teen surgery.

Darwin wasn't always an evolutionist.

He slowly became one over time.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

“Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

I told my doctor that I was a bit disappointed that my Viagara prescription wasn't working

He said "don't worry mate, just hold your head up and you'll be fine!"

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Why Wasn't the Green Pepper Able to Participate in the Archery Competition?

It didn't habanero....

Why wasn't Wanda making future plans?

She had no Vision.

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

Johnny Depp would be in a much better position if it wasn't for anti-vaxxers.

If it wasn't for them we would all have heard immunity by now.

I'll never forget when my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real

I was heartbroken...


I'm not sure how I managed to go to work that day!

It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck.

But I can look back now and laugh.

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

What did Johnny Depp's lawyer say when they found Amber Heard's "bruise makeup kit" wasn't made before 2017?

Objection, lack of foundation

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

2021 wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel

It was a train

True story! My wife wasn't happy...

I was at a store with my son and wife, so I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catch it. Then my son saw me doing it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, give me that! It's really expensive!"
<...

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

Why wasn't Thanos picked for jury duty?

Because he makes snappy judgements!

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.

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Why wasn't Samantha upset about York changing to Sargent?

I guess she was just happy getting new Dick.

*sees my way out*

I wasn't allowed to use any "F" word.

That's how i ended up with " old McDonald had a arm "

I wasn't close to my mother-in-law when she died.

It's been five years, and the police still can't prove otherwise.

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

My psychiatrist said I wasn't completely normal...

But I asked some plants at home and they said it's not that bad

I wasn't offered any training for my new job as a trash collector, but I'm not worried.

I'll just pick it up as I go.

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

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Hitler wasn't all that bad.

At least he treated all Jews equally...

Why wasn't I allowed in the Vietnamese Restaurant?

Because they "Banh"ed Mi

My blind friend decided Braille wasn't for him.

He just wasn't feeling it.

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As if being dyslexic wasn't bad enough!

Now I read I might have racoon virus!

the bell ringer of notre dame wasn't really modo

he was only quasi-modo

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