UPJOKE

Wash Them Jokes

My genitals can transform from one Toy Story character to another depending on how much I wash them

They go from a Woody to a Stinky Pete

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE.

Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.

Spoons are the kindest eating utensils

When you wash them, they wash you back

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As a drunk man is walking home from the bar

He gets sick, leans against a wall and pukes. Some of it gets on his shirt and now the man worries that his wife will know he was a drunk mess tonight. But then he gets a bright idea and puts $20 in his shirt pocket. When he arrives home his wife looks at him and says, "look at you! did you puke on ...

A Clean Joke

I was in the bathroom finishing my "business," went to wash my hands and seen a sign that read employees must wash hands. I stood there for a minute but no one came to wash them, So I washed them myself.

Short

A guest at a friend's house asked the children if they helped their mother around the house.
'Oh, yes. We do the dishes,' replied the oldest. 'I wash them.'
"And I dry them," added the second child.
The youngest, eager to be recognised too, piped up, 'I help too. I pick up all the broken o...

A grandchild goes to visit his grandfather who recently became a widower.

The grandfather told his grandchild that, due to his wife passing, he had started cooking. The grandchild didn’t expect his grandfather to ever begin cooking, so they headed towards the dining room to see what he made for dinner.

When they sat down, the grandchild notice that the food looked...

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.

"And what ...

A work uniform is a lot like a pair of pajamas...

Usually somebody else buys them for you, it's one of the few outfits you'll wear where the top is the same color as the bottoms, you might not wash them after every single wearing, and it can lead to depression if you're in them for more than 8 hours a day.

Hand Washing Lyrics

**Neil Diamond:** Hands...
**NHS:** Yep, wash them for 20 seconds
**Neil Diamond**: Touching hands..
**NHS:** No, don't do that
**Neil Diamond:** Reaching out..
**NHS:** Errrr, avoid that too
**Neil Diamond:** Touching me..
**NHS:** Oh no
### **Neil Diamond:**...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns stand before the gates of heaven

Four nuns stand before the gates of heaven.

Petrus comes over an tells them: "As you probably know, only those free of sin may enter. Confess you sins now and wash them away in yonder basin of holy water."


The first nun steps forward and confesses: "I once laid eyes upon the genita...

Why should you always wash your clothes in Tide?

It’s too cold to wash them out’Tide.

A millionaire is looking for a housekeeper.

Three people showed up for the job. He wants to make sure they have good personal hygiene during work, so he put a camera in his big restroom monitoring the sink and see if they wash their hands after going to the restroom.

The first one finishes, doesn't wash his hands and walked out, the mi...

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food ...

Cheese Sandwich.

Guy walks into a bar, sees a sign behind the counter that says: "Cheese Sandwich - $5; Handjob - $10."

Guy takes a seat, and looks at the woman tending the bar and asks, "'Scuse me, ma'am, but are you the lady who gives the handjobs around here?"

She smiles at him with a lusty look and...

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