UPJOKE

Walk Into A Pub Jokes

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman yells out "Drinks for the House, On Me!"

The newspaper next morning reads 'Irish Ventriloquist Found beaten to Death behind Pub'

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub

The barman says 'Is this some sort of joke'

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Two girls walk into a pub.

After a little while, the barman notices that the older one is actually transexual.

The transexual walks up to the bar and says in a deepish voice, "One chardonnay and a large guimess for my sis please."

She takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them up. A few rounds late...

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Scotsman shouts out "drinks for everyone in the house, all night, on me! Drink your hearts out boys!" The pub erupts with cheers and everyone has a great drunken night.

The next morning, the front page of the newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind loca...

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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

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3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."

The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in a...

Two lawyers walk into a pub

They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.

Three ducks walk into a pub

One rainy afternoon three ducks walk into a pub, waddle over to the bar and each jump up to sit on a stool. Having never seen this before, the bartender shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the ducks to take their order.

He approached the first one and said "Hi, how is it going today?". ...

A pirate walk into a pub with steering wheel in his pants

The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"

Pirate looks at him and says, "Argh it's driving me nuts"

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[NSFW-ish] Three ducks walk into a pub...

...they go up to the bar. It isn't every day that ducks visit the pub so the barman says to the first duck, 'What's your name?'
'Davey,' says the duck.
'How's your day been?' asked the barman.
'Excellent! Been in and out of puddles all day.'
'oh that's nice.' says the bar...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub.

They all order a pint of Guinness. Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, holds it ove...

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4 men walk into a pub

They all sit down at the bar and get settled. The first guy to the left leans over to the bartender and asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, can I get a can of olives?”

The bartender hesitates with a confused look, and responds, “I’m sorry, but we actually don't have any olives, or any food items, on the...

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Two spiral galaxies walk into a pub.

The landlord says "Piss off - you're barred."

Two scientists walk into a pub

Two scientists walk into their local pub.

"I'll have H2O" says the first.

"I'll have water too," says the second, "but why are you saying it like that? We're not a work anymore man."

The first scientist excuses himself and goes to the bathroom to inform the motherland his assass...

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An Irish guy, A Scot and British dude walk into a pub...

They all sit down and each orders a pint. Just then 3 flies swoop down and land in each one of their beers.
The British gent, thoroughly disgusted turns his nose up and pushes the beer away.
The Scot picks up the fly, looks at it, shrugs and continues to take a swig.
The Irishman see the fl...

A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.

The son lifts his face from his palms and...

Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.

Barman says “not yew tree again”

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Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a...

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A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.

Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while bef...

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I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Br...

A dota2 player and a LoL player walk into a pub...

The Dota2 player says "Dota2 is an objectively better game." The LoL player can't deny.

Two termites walk into a pub...

A waitress asks if she can help them. "No," they say, "We'd just like to know, is the bar tender here?"

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

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An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

A fly lands in each of their drinks.

The English man refuses to drink,

The Irishman blows the fly off the foam and proceeds to drink,

The Scotsman picks the fly up by the wings and shouts "Spit it out, ya wee bastard!"

An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a pub...

They each enjoyed a pint and shared some laughs. It was a great night.

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