UPJOKE

Wait A Minute Jokes

Wait a minute

Serious answer, here's the longest joke I know by heart.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his notebook, then back to them and says "we have something interesting here. All three of you died at roughly the same time and in roughly the ...

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

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A woman entered a pub and saw a haggard looking soldier sitting at the bar.

She approached him and asked if everything was all right.

The soldier said, "I haven't had sex since 2014."

The woman replied, "Wow that's a long time. How about I get your tab and you come back to my hotel?"

They went to her hotel room and made passionate love for a solid two ...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

Wait a minute, Doc! Are you telling me you built a time machine out of a Beskar minivan?

Yes Marty! It's a Van-DeLorean!

Wait a minute, that piece of fluff didn't come from your pocket at all!...

Its Fraudulint.

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a ...

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…

The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”

“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”

“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar,...

“God, how long is a million years?”

“God, how long is a million years?”

“To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”

Want to hear my Batman impersonation?

“UP! UP! AND AWAAAAAY!”

“Wait a minute, that’s Superman”

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing”

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

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Little Johnny #71

During a class on good manners and etiquette being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike rep...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......

So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said ...

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A Koala bear walks into a bar...

He's sitting at the bar and hitting on women all night but can't get anyone to express interest in him. Finally near closing time an attractive woman pays attention to him. She explains that she's a hooker and is willing to give him a try. They have a few drinks and walk back to her place nearby. Th...

(DnD, Spoken) What do you get if a couple of monks in a row, all hold their attack action?

A delayed punchline



Works better if you say it and then just wait a minute before saying the answer, just wanted to share it here, feel free to give thougths on improvements.

An electrician went to the buzzfeed headquarters,

He was asked to come because a power box was malfunctioning, He went to the reception and told them that he was there to fix the problem ,he was told to wait a minute . So he sat down at the reception. He saw that most of the people working there were in their twenties. He then wondered how advanced...

He Asked His Wife To Bury Him With ALL His Money, So This Is What She Did

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.

He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:

"Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and pla...

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My wang is so big...

If I put it on a keyboard, it stretches from A to Z.


Oh, wait a minute...

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An elderly Jew bolts into a church confessional

St Patrick’s Cathedral. He pulls the curtain and says , “Father. My name is Saul Hershkowitz. I’m 73 years old and I’ve been with a 22 year old girl. The priest says “Saul, wait a minute. You’re Jewish. Why are you telling me this? And the man says “Hey Father, I’m telling everybody”

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was...

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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and cl...

A man has an encounter with God

The man has a vision, where he is able to see and talk to God.

The man asks him, “God, how long is 1000 years to you?”
God replies, “My child, 1000 years for me is the same as one minute for you.”

Fascinated by this, the man asks a similar question. “God, how much is $100,000,000 t...

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There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test...

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

"Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', an...

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and g...

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Sarcasm

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it gr...

Knock, knock. "Who's there?"

Wait a minute...

"Wait a minute who?"

*looks at watch*

...

a joke that i saw in a youtube video a few years back

Two markets were flying in the the sky, when suddenly Market 1 stops and says "Wait a minute, markets don't fly", to which Market 2 responds "Oh, right" before falling down to the ground. Upon landing Market 2 looks up and sees Market 1 still up above, so he shouts "Why are you still flying? Markets...

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: ok...

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table…

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever ...

A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner as the priest if he wants to be face up or down when he meets he fate. The priest says he’d like to die face up looking towards heaven...

... The blade comes down and stops just before the priest’s neck. This is seen as a sign from God and the priest is set free. The drunkard is asked the same question and responds with face up hoping he’ll be saved like the priest. The blade again stops inches from the neck and the drunkard is f...

A German P.O.W. gets shot in the leg...

...and gets an infection requiring the leg to be amputated. The prisoner asks "could have my leg sent to my friends and family back home as a souvenir to remember me by". The captors didn't see anything wrong with that and agreed to send the leg over.

Later the prisoner gets shot in the other...

A man runs into a bar…

…he rushes to the bartender and says excitedly “quick, give me a drink before it starts!”

The barman hands him a drink and he drinks it down.

“Quick quick, another drink before it starts!”

The barman hands him another drink which he quickly drinks down

“Quick quick quick,...

A boy reads a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free free French fries.

“Sounds great!” said the health conscious boy, as he ordered some.

He watched as a the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them in the box.

“Wait a minute, those don’t look fat free!”

“They sure are,” the cook said...

I thought, "What organ in the body is the most important?"

The immediate answer was, "The brain". That makes sense....................

Wait a minute, what organ in the body is telling me that?!

Today is my first cake day! So I want to share a joke with eveyone

Wait a minute. Let me find a photo of myself first

A Circle of Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing tha...

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