This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Son to mother: “mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.”

Mother: “well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop”

You can tell a jihadi about the 72 virgins, but ultimately....

He has to C4 himself

Issac Newton died a virgin, meaning that i am better than one of the worlds greatest scientists...

Im not dead.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

On finding his bride to be a virgin,

a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".


Bride: Kiss my ass!

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Did you know that the canary islands don't actually have any canaries? Its the same with the virgin islands...

There are also no canaries

I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

What do you call a virgin lying on a water bed?

A cherry float

[NSFW] Where does virgin wool come from?

Sheep the Shepherd couldn’t catch.

What do you call a redneck virgin.

A seven year-old that can run faster than her brothers.

Who can still be considered a virgin even after getting nailed?

Jesus

Wanna know how to immediately spot a virgin?

Go to an NSFW subreddit comment section.

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not!

He got nailed before he died

I only buy extra virgin olive oil...

Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thing about virgins is...

They don’t give a fuck.

Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five men. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”

“Well,” the bride said. “Husband 1 was a sales r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a virgin daiquiri.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a virgin daiquiri too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coinc...

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is concerned about his son being 25 and still being a virgin

"Son, take this Walkie Talkie, go to the bar and find a pretty girl. Once you do, tell me and I will give you further instructions"

The son does as his father commands and finds a pretty girl in the bar

"Dad, I found a very pretty girl, what do I do now? "

"Sit next to her and ...

If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever says that it would be great to die and have 72 virgins...

Has obviously never had sex with a virgin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

How do you know that chicken wings aren’t virgins?

Because they are always bone-in

What do you call it when a plane with 72 virgins crashes into a field?

Heaven on earth.

What do virgins and vegans have in common?

Meat doesn’t get inside of them

What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

Why can't virgins work in construction?

Because they only talk and think about screwing, but never actually do it.

1911: dracula used to drink virgin girls' blood....

in 2019: he died of hunger

It’s amazing what Muslims put themselves through, just so they can get 72 virgins in heaven.

It would be a lot easier if they just became Catholic priests.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

They told me to save my soul i have to kill a virgin,

I committed suicide.

I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a blind Virgin it's really suprising to find out what a penis feels like.

You'll never see it coming.

Newton is dead virgin

All his life he studied the laws of attraction, without understanding the gravity of his situation

7 years kid ask in middle of dinner "dad, what is virgin?"

The dad gets very nervous and give an explanation with "daddy put a little seed in your moms belly, and since nobody ever planted a seed there she was virgin"..... The The kid turns the olive oil bottle and asks "ok, then what is extra virgin?"

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm...

My first football game was kinda like the time I lost my virginity. I mean I kinda cried a little,

But at least my dad came.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie marries a virgin.

On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

“Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table,” she says.

So Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?”

“Much better!”...

What’s full of virgins, reposts, and funny original content?

Reddit. i lied about the funny original content.

Virginity is like a car

Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

Just lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams

It was a very good dream.

Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Death awards 72 virgins to an evil man...

Guy: You mean to tell me, these are my 72 virgins?!!!

Death: Uhh yeah, what’s the problem?

Guy: I’m not sticking my dick in any dudes!!

Death: Who said anything about you sticking YOUR dick in THEM?

Guy:.....

Death: *hands him lube* You better grease up...it’s gon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virgin on his wedding night

A virgin and his new bride are alone on their wedding night. They are in bed fooling around and after about an hour the new bride gets worried that her husband has yet to remove her underwear. She asks him don't you want to touch me down there. Oh no he replies I cannot touch down there, my mother a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the last virgin in Afghanistan?

The fastest goat in the fucking country

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Be...

Why did Isaac Newton die a virgin?

Because he respected girls’ limits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists

EDIT: Almost 4 years on Reddit and I´m finally a faget! Yay!!
EDIT2: Wow, thanks u/lordzxil for the gold!

I lost my virginity at age 20.

I found it again after I got married.

What did the apologetic rapist say to the virgin.

I'm sorry for taking your virginity, it won't happen again.

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she a...

I'm 24 years old and still a virgin.

At least i'm above average at one thing.

Why did the virgin run across the road?

She was being chaste.

After killing himself and several others, a suicide bomber is given 72 virgins to use as he pleases.

When the suicide bomber arrives, he notices that they're all on laptops. He finds this strange, and asks one what they're doing. The virgin responds, "We're playing Fortnite. Wanna join?"

Did you hear about the 30 year old virgins' birthday party?

It was celibatory

Non believers say it is impossible for a virgin to have kids...

... but my socially awkward friend Mitchell owns a goat farm - and he has plenty of kids!

Don't die a virgin.

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.

I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW]

www.reddit.com

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.