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A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

Deaf people are violently protesting because

They don't feel their voices are being heard

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination j...

Some of my friends make The Offspring puns, some of them violently hate them

I guess I gotta keep em separated

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces.

She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Going to the dentist is like those movies where a character gets interrogated violently.

It’s pretty clear to them when you’re lying — and if you don’t come clean, you might lose a tooth.

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

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A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

What is it called when a stoner falls down and starts shaking violently?

A T.H.Seizure

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

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A man is going down on his wife when he suddenly becomes violently ill.

He goes to the doctor, who asks him to describe what he was doing leading up to the sudden bout of illness. "Well," says the man, "my wife and I were just drinking some Budweisers, and then I started to give her oral sex-"

"Ah, well you should've seen this coming," the doctor says.

"Ho...

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

A Squirrel in Sitting in a Tree Eating Some Nuts When Suddenly the Tree Starts to Shake Violently.

He looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel says "hey elephant, what are you doing?"
The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"
"You dummy," says the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."
The elephant says "I kno...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

The storm is fierce.

The plane hits such turbulence that everything is shaking violently. The passenger, pale with fear, notices a priest sitting next to him and pleads,

"Can't you do something, Father?"

The priest calmly replies,

"I'm not in management; I'm in sales."

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Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

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A man is at the zoo...

... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla.

The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He star...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

...

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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman...

...sit down at a pub and each order a Guinness. As the foam is settling, a fly happens to land in each of their glasses.

Put off by this, and accustomed to a more civilised way of drinking, the posh Englishman politely asks the barkeep for another pint.

The Scottsman, a bit more roug...

Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"...

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A man went into a tobacco store

to buy a large cigar. After buying it, he immediately started smoking it inside the store, which annoyed the store owner.

-Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside if you're going to smoke that.

-Isn't this a tobacco store that sells cigars?

-Yes, but...

-Then I ...

A man gets drunk...

and stumbles straight into a baptism being performed on the river bank.

The priest asks the man, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk agrees, and the priest dunks him into the water. The drunk is gasping for air.

'Have you found Jesus, Brother?'

'No mate, I haven't'...

How can you tell the ocean was mad?

It was violently waving

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

The problem with the American two-party system is that everyone agrees one political party is stupid and the other party is evil

But they violently disagree about which one is which.

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