UPJOKE

Very Weird Jokes

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

So I heard there's a group of optometrists who founded a colony on an archipelago off the coast of Alaska, but the islands themselves are very weird to look at.

They're called the Optical Aleutians.

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

Pregnant Italian lover

A married man who had an Italian lover for many years learned one day that she was pregnant. The two struck up a deal, in which she would return to Italy to give birth to their child and keep his identity secret in exchange for a large sum of money. In addition, the father would continue to provide ...

My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”

Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!

A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone w...

Weird names can bring problems

In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, som...

In the Cars movie series, they have a place called Radiator Springs.

Now, radiators are vital components in cars, so I find it's a very weird name decision for a city.

Its like calling a human city "Liver pool".

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

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A wife gets drunk one night and thinking it would be a bit of fun, buys a voodoo doll of her husband.

She staggers home, drops the doll on the floor and falls in to bed. The next morning she wakes up, oblivious to what she had done the previous night.

Over the course of the next few days the husband experiences some very weird occurrences. He randomly develops cuts and bruises all over his b...

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3 friends go to a ski lodge...

But the receptionist at the front dest said that the lodge was over booked, and the friends have to share a room.

After walking in they notice that there’s only one bed. They decide to go to bed early and set their alarms for 6:30am.

The buzzer sounds and they awake. The one on the lef...

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A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

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My wife asked me what i was doing on the computer last night...

I told her that I was looking at cheap flights.
She said 'I love you', got very excited, quickly undressed and we proceeded to have the best sex we've had in years.
It was all very weird, she's never shown an interest in darts before.

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A 30 year old man has had a headache for 15 years

He goes to the doctor to see about it. His doctor says “I’ve only heard of this once before, the only solution was to cut off your penis”

The man says “oh wow, can I think it over for a couple days before the procedure”

The doctor says “of course”

The man goes home and thinks a...

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Once upon a time there was a story about a female Pirate captain.

Once upon a time there was a story about a female Pirate Captain who ruled over the ship by the name of “Nathan”. This ship was a very good ship, and her crew was a very good crew. One day while sailing the 7 seas, she found the ship known as “Queen Anne’s Revenge”. She went to the head of the ship ...

Bus driver on Sesame Street.

So, there is a guy who needs a job. He goes to the employment agency and they tell him the only job they have is as bus driver on Sesame Street. He thinks its a bit weird, but he needs a job. First day driving the bus, he gets to the first stop and two very overweight women get on the bus sweating p...

If I had a dollar every time someone over 40 criticized my generation

I'd be making money in a very weird way.

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Great joke for a bar...

Some time ago, a pregnant woman was waiting in line at the bank when a bank robber comes running in. The robber begins waiving around his gun and yelling at all the tellers frantically to give him the money and get down. A hidden security guard watches as the robber appears to be losing control an...

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