UPJOKE

Very Rude Jokes

I think my family is racist

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

What do you call a very rude Hobbit?

A douchebaggins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog gave birth to a very rude little puppy.

He's been a son of a bitch since the day he was born.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

My doctor is very rude.

I went in with some legitimate concerns about my prostate and he just gave me the finger!

What is the name of the Vietnamese who was very rude to you when you asked his name ?

Phuc Du Bich

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

My dad’s sister, Artica, has been very rude to everyone ever since her husband left her

It’s gotten to the point we’re we’ve had to preface every meeting with:

“Careful, Aunt Artica is very cold”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very rude parrot who stood at a barber's door. Every time Jane went by he'd say "Yo, bitch!"

Tired of this, Jane went to the barber and complained. As a punishment, the barber painted the parrot completely in black.

Two days after, Jane went again by the barber's door and the parrot didn't say anything. On the next day she went by twice and again, the parrot didn't say anything.
<...

I tried to get an overseas job with a large Christian church and they were very rude to me.

A lady answered the phone and I said " I am interested in a missionary position can you help me?" . She called me pervert and hung up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny #71

During a class on good manners and etiquette being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen is at the zoo

One day while at the zoo with her son, Karen passes by the chimpanzee exhibit. They are very rowdy & when Karen had her back turned, one threw feces right at her head. Upset, Karen stormed to the nearby animal caretaker.

‘Sir! These disgusting apes are very rude! Did you just see what the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

My wife came home from the grocery store ...

And said the cashier was very rude. Turns out she was using the self checkout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three brothers. One is named Shut-up, the next is named Crap, and the last is named Manners

Shut-up was driving home when he was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The officer asks for his name and he says "Shut-up."

The officer gets mad and said "Sir I need your name!"

"Shut-up."

Officer "That is very rude! Tell me your name right now!"

"I said Shut-up!" ...

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...

And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Service Dog

Just left Walmart where a lady asked me what kind of dog i had. I said a GSD service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she has her face in my dog's face allowing him to lick her......Now with a straight face I said "He is my butt licking ...

A little boy is in a birthday party with his mother

And as the party starts passing the little boy has to pee. And so naturally he calls for his mother. "Mommy, I have to pee!" The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and locks the door. The mother says to the boy "You can't be yelling across rooms that you need to pee. It's very rude. How about we h...

A joke my grandpa told me, hope you like it!

Today is Billy’s 8th birthday. To celebrate, he and his dad went to McDonalds for dinner. When they arrived, they waited in line behind a large, fat man.
Billy, not being knowledgeable about social norms, says to his dad, “Look daddy! That man’s sooooo fat! Look at him!”
Billy’s dad tells him ...

So I told my girlfriend that she'd look better with her hair back...

Which apparently is a very rude thing to say to a cancer patient.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being taught at the local high school for senior boys, the young, attractive, first-year teacher asked, "If you were courting a well-educated girl from a prominent family and during dinner, you needed to use the bathroom, how would you properly excuse yourse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bodybuilder takes public transport to work..

Bus conductor ask him to buy a ticket

Bodybuilder "I never buy ticket!"

Bus conductor was a thin fella so he couldn't argue much with him.

Next day Bodybuilder again takes the same Bus to work.

Same story he again denies to buy the ticket.

Conductor was very frust...

I'd always dreamed of being in NASA but it wasn't what I'd imagined it would be

For one all the people there were very rude. They kept saying things like "You shouldn't be here," "Oh my," and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL"

A woman gets on the bus holding her new baby...

And the bus driver says, "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"

The woman storms off to her seat and tells the man next to her that the bus driver was very rude to her. The guys tells her "You should go up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Miss Honey is taking her kindergarten class through the alphabet

"So kids," says Miss Honey, "We're going to go through the alphabet today and see what you all remember. To start with, can anyone tell me a word beginning with the letter A?"

Slowly little Timmy's hand goes up...

"Yes Timmy, what word do you have?"

"Arsehole, miss."

"Ti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school..

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, "Timmy, who's that?" while pointing at his little brother.

"That's my little brother," said Timmy qui...

A while ago there was a rebellion in Lapland

A group of three elves were very unhappy with Santa’s treatment of them, and organised an uprising.

Having dealt with the uprising, Santa expelled the three elves from Lapland. He gave each of them a colour to make sure he knew where they were.

The first elf was given the colour yell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

A security guard was working at a train station..

It was late and the train station was very quiet. Apart from him there was no one else in the station but one other security guard.

Half way through his shift a man came strolling into the station. Noticing the security guard he made his way over to him.

The security guard greeted the ...

Bill is housesitting for his brother Bob over a long vacation

One day, Bob calls Bill to check in on how everything is, and see how his cat is doing. Bill very abruptly and callously says "Cat's dead, Bob."

Bob is overcome with shock, and when he finally collects himself he says "Bill, that was very rude, and was quite jarring. You need to learn how to...

There were a few sandwiches sitting on the table...

Although they were quite small, they looked absolutely titillating. The sign near them said they were free, so why not?

I grabbed a roast beef one, bit into it, and suddenly I heard a little voice telling me how good I looked, and how well I was dressed. I shortly realized it was coming from ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Desert Deployment Story [OC] [Long]

When I was deployed to middle east there were these Asian or Arabic guys who made food and cleaned out the port-a-johns and things like that. (I can’t tell what ethnicity they were because I’m from the Midwest and I don’t meet anyone who isn’t white or Latin-American or Vietnamese.)

Anyway o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As young as you feel...

An old man is sitting on a park bench one day. After a little while of people watching, he sees an attractive young woman walking by.

He says to her, “Excuse me miss, I know this is very rude to ask, but might you be willing to tell me how old you are?”

The woman thinks it’s a bit odd...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.