A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

Why would Mark Zuckerberg be a very good taxi driver?

You get in the car and he already knows your name and where you live

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

I have a very good reason not to trust trees

They seem shady

Someone told me i’m not very good at telling jokes.

And then i said, thats not a camel, thats my wife!

A Dad told his fat son he was very good at everything.

Son: Why did you say that dad?
Dad: Because you are all rounded.

I'm quite a normal person, I'm very good friends with twenty five letters of the alphabet..

I don't know why...

I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered:

First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"

Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"

So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.

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Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

Im not very good with greek mythology

Thats my Hercules Heel

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Dr Dre isn't a very good doctor

if all his beats are sick

Teacher:Kids what does a chicken give you Students: Eggs Teacher: Very good now what does the pig give you Kids: Bacon Teacher: Excellent now what does the fat cow give you

Kids: Homework

Very good tea and pasta joke

What is your favorite type of tea?







Spaghett-tea


Thank you

I've never been very good with mental math. At times its like the numbers move around and disappear into the distance.

I'm not unique, many people struggle with roamin' numerals.

I'm not very good at delegating.

I usually get someone else to do it for me.

Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they?

I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood an...

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

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Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go skinny dipping in a remote lake

All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi‘s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation.

Their clothes are on the other side of the lake, so they don’t have time to retrieve them. Both decide to just make a run for it.

The priest, r...

Most of the jokes I've heard recently aren't very good

But they're running for office anyway.

I'm very good at math I can do number theory, combinatorics, but I cant bring myself to do graphs

That's where I draw the line

Teacher : name something beginning with E that your not very good at.

Johnny : Spelling.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.

One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.

I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold should...

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Cucumbers are very good for the memory.

15 year ago my uncle put one in my ass.

I still remember it.

My friend from Italy was visiting & asked to use the restroom. Her English isn’t very good, so from the other room she called out, “What’s the word for what I’m doing?”

I replied 'European.'

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

Very good

(Two people studying for a Spanish test)

Person 1: How do you say, “Good” in Spanish?

Person 2: Muy Bien.

Person 1: That’s very good.

Person 2: Thanks!

My next door neighbour and I became very good friends, do we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

The Bible is not a very good book

But Noah’s arc was flooded with good story

I am very good at swimming...

some might even say I am eFISHient at it

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

Moderation is a very good thing!

It's so good, in fact, that I've given it up for Lent.

What do you call a vegetable that isn't very good?

A subparsnip.

My girlfriend gave me a hand job with some vaseline last night, wasn't very good... I didn't finish...

Came 3 times washing the stuff off though.

I tried making a chameleon smoothie, it didn't turn out very good, surprisingly it...

doesn't blend well.

I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president.

But at least there won't be a world war 3.

Not very good, but I haven’t forgotten it in a few years. Hope you like it.

Three strings walked into a bar. When they sat down, the bartender said “I’m sorry. We don’t serve strings here.” Disappointed, the strings left.

Not long after, the strings wanted to all go back to the bar. One of them had the idea of undoing the tip of his hair. They all did the same.
...

A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat.

During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of...

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

So I hear Elton John is very good at the piano.

But he sucks on the organ.

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A husband and wife love golfing together, but they aren't very good, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, an...

Did you know that most nuns are very good runners?

It’s because they’re always being chaste.

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

Little Jenny isn't a very good student

She gives an especially poor performance at religion classes. One day, the teacher asks Little Jenny a question.

'So Jenny, could you tell me who created the world?'

Little Jenny is thinking hard, but she doesn't really now the answer. Suddenly, Little Johnny who's sitting behind her s...

What's the name of the restaurant You went to yesterday where they had very good Indian bread?

That's naan of your business!

Damn dude, you must be very good at Limbo.

We set the bar really low and you still managed to go under it.

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip

What do you call a noun that is very good at its job?

A pronoun

r/Jokes is very good at fencing.

We are the best when it comew to ripostes.

A man marries a women who is a very good cook..

Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."

Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"

"Awful" He replies.

You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting made from magical trees would be very good,

but it's actually enticing!

I'm not very good at building fences

Sorry, I don't know where to put this post.

I'd say I'm very good at making friends

They always tell me "I'm sorry but I don't like you, we can be friends though"

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

That's a very good question?🤔

If a kid is late for special education, is it ok to call him tardy?

What do you call a competitive athlete thats not very good

A try athlete

Not a very good poem.

I dig.

He digs.

She digs.

We dig.

They dig.

Everyone digs.

I know it's not a very good poem, but it's very deep.

My ex wouldn't have been a very good sysadmin...

She was very much a $user.

I'm not very good at fingering myself

I could use a pointer or two

I'm not very good at Microsoft office or powerpoint,

but when it comes to spreadsheets I Excel.

I've been training as a sculptor for months but I'm not very good at it. Just the other day I made an Elk from limestone which I thought was good, but my art teacher Mr Watson couldn't work out what it was.

I said to him surely he could see it was sedimentary, my deer, Watson.

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

U-boats aren't very good at golf

In fact, they're *subpar*.

I'm not very good at geography

But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice.

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“I probably have a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un”

Dementia is a bitch.

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

but I think she's just a poser.

What do you call a Spanish matador who is not very good at his job?

I'd say he's fairly incapa**bull**.

I'm not very good at baking...

my friend said to stick with it dough, it'll pan out in the end.

What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

The baby wasn't very good at transitioning out of breastfeeding

I guess you could say he sucked at tit

Why aren't Pokémon very good dancers?

They can only learn 4 moves.

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Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.

One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman sa...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Why wouldn't chickens be very good at baseball?

They would balk too much

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked ...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

A 3 year old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Boy: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

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Who said it

It was the first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandra,...

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Two best friends went to heaven.

At the pearly gates a saint stopped them and asked, 'Were you faithful husbands on Earth?'

The first replied, 'Yes, I've never betrayed my wife, I barely even looked at other women.'

The saint replied, 'Very good, very good. You can drive this brand new sports car! Here, take the keys!...

Octopus

Last Friday night I took my date out to a seafood restaurant

As we set down We began looking for some thing nice to eat

When the waiter came over after 10 minutes he asked us if we was ready to order

We said “” yes we will both have the octopus if that s ok “”

Octopus “...

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A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up....

He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin wakes up one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sun rise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

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Salesmanship

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because of blue balls.

He comes in to the doctors office and says

"Doctor! Doctor! One of my balls is completely blue! It doesn't hurt, but im really afraid"

The Doctor looks at the patients testicle and agrees that it doesn't look very good. The doctor decides to be on the safe side and removes the patien...

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

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