UPJOKE

Very Good Jokes

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it...

I have a very good reason not to trust trees

They seem shady

A comedian was telling jokes about Putin. The material was not very good but

the execution was great.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metrognomes.

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood an...

I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president.

But at least there won't be a world war 3.

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Cucumbers are very good for the memory.

15 year ago my uncle put one in my ass.

I still remember it.

Little Jenny isn't a very good student

She gives an especially poor performance at religion classes. One day, the teacher asks Little Jenny a question.

'So Jenny, could you tell me who created the world?'

Little Jenny is thinking hard, but she doesn't really now the answer. Suddenly, Little Johnny who's sitting behind her s...

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

Jesus was a carpenter, but not a very good one.

I mean, how do you get your hands nailed into some wood?

King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young.

He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince.

Very good tea and pasta joke

What is your favorite type of tea?







Spaghett-tea


Thank you

Someone told me i’m not very good at telling jokes.

And then i said, thats not a camel, thats my wife!

I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered:

First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"

Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"

So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.

I'm not very good at similes

I'm like a guy that's not very good at similes

The last season of The Brady Bunch wasn't very good

They lost to the Cowboys.

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Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

Im not very good with greek mythology

Thats my Hercules Heel

Why would Mark Zuckerberg be a very good taxi driver?

You get in the car and he already knows your name and where you live

Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they?

I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.

Not a very good poem.

I dig.

He digs.

She digs.

We dig.

They dig.

Everyone digs.

I know it's not a very good poem, but it's very deep.

My scissors aren't very good at detail work...

They are always cutting corners.

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A husband and wife love golfing together, but they aren't very good, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, an...

I'm not very good at delegating.

I usually get someone else to do it for me.

They thought ESPN was very good in Spanish speaking countries

So now they just call it EsBein.

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Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

I'm not very good at building fences

Sorry, I don't know where to put this post.

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.

One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.

I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold should...

I am very good at swimming...

some might even say I am eFISHient at it

I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

Moderation is a very good thing!

It's so good, in fact, that I've given it up for Lent.

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

Have you heard about the Redditor who tried to become a fencer? Sadly he wasn't very good because he only knew one move:

The riposte.

My ophthalmologist is very good looking

She is easy on the eyes too

That's a very good question?🤔

If a kid is late for special education, is it ok to call him tardy?

Very good

(Two people studying for a Spanish test)

Person 1: How do you say, “Good” in Spanish?

Person 2: Muy Bien.

Person 1: That’s very good.

Person 2: Thanks!

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What do you call a red-headed guy who's a very good prostitute and chef?

Strawberry Pound Cake

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

A Dad told his fat son he was very good at everything.

Son: Why did you say that dad?
Dad: Because you are all rounded.

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

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A teacher asked...

A teacher asked Johnny, "What does a chicken give us?"

Johnny replied, "eggs."

"Very good, Johnny. Jessica, what does a sheep give us?"

"Wool."

"Very good, Jessica. Robbie, what does a cow give us?"

"Homework."

Apparently Robbie has his own seat in the princ...

I'd say I'm very good at making friends

They always tell me "I'm sorry but I don't like you, we can be friends though"

Damn dude, you must be very good at Limbo.

We set the bar really low and you still managed to go under it.

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

r/Jokes is very good at fencing.

We are the best when it comew to ripostes.

Teacher : name something beginning with E that your not very good at.

Johnny : Spelling.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and withi...

I'm not very good at fingering myself

I could use a pointer or two

Shrek isn't a very good cook

He's pretty mediogre

As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Most of the jokes I've heard recently aren't very good

But they're running for office anyway.

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

So I hear Elton John is very good at the piano.

But he sucks on the organ.

What do you call a noun that is very good at its job?

A pronoun

Did you know that most nuns are very good runners?

It’s because they’re always being chaste.

U-boats aren't very good at golf

In fact, they're *subpar*.

A man marries a women who is a very good cook..

Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."

Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"

"Awful" He replies.

I'm not very good at geography

But i know the name of one city in France, which is Nice.

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

I am very good at quitting smoking

I’ve quit smoking like a thousand times already.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

Why aren't Pokémon very good dancers?

They can only learn 4 moves.

I'm very good at math I can do number theory, combinatorics, but I cant bring myself to do graphs

That's where I draw the line

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

but I think she's just a poser.

The Bible is not a very good book

But Noah’s arc was flooded with good story

My next door neighbour and I became very good friends, do we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

I'm not very good at baking...

my friend said to stick with it dough, it'll pan out in the end.

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

What are people who work on vineyards very good at?

Whining

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

What's the name of the restaurant You went to yesterday where they had very good Indian bread?

That's naan of your business!

Why wouldn't chickens be very good at baseball?

They would balk too much

My girlfriend gave me a hand job with some vaseline last night, wasn't very good... I didn't finish...

Came 3 times washing the stuff off though.

You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting made from magical trees would be very good,

but it's actually enticing!

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

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It was very good feeling, when I was in very bad mood and thinking about all my mistakes, and then my beloved crush came in my room.

Yet I was terrified she escaped my basement third time this month.

The baby wasn't very good at transitioning out of breastfeeding

I guess you could say he sucked at tit

I don't think Princess Elsa would be a very good girlfriend,

She seems frigid.

So, my boyfriend said my handjobs weren't very good

I beat him into submission.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

I've never been very good with mental math. At times its like the numbers move around and disappear into the distance.

I'm not unique, many people struggle with roamin' numerals.

My mom used to be a comedian but she wasn't a very good one.

I know because the only joke she made was me.

Italian Girl

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And did you ...

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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

There was once a rich merchant ...

...who owned a slave named Manuel who was very good at hiding his thoughts and feelings. This merchant would often have his slave negotiate trade deals, very much to the merchants profit. This was the case because it was a well-known fact of that...

Nobody reads the owner's Manuel.

What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

What do you call a Spanish matador who is not very good at his job?

I'd say he's fairly incapa**bull**.

We got a new guy from Africa on our soccer club. His name is D'kind Straingur. I'm not sure if he's going to be very good or not.

Never mind, he just scored a goal.

An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation


And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her ...

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

I'm not very good with DIY. A pile of books fell on my head...

I only have my shelf to blame :-(

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

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