UPJOKE

Very Cute Jokes

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

How come when people take pictures of their dog sleeping it's a "good picture" and "the dog is very cute"

But when i take photos of people sleeping I'm "creepy" and "need to get out of the morgue"

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he's been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife:

"Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed...

The Pharmacist and the boyfriend

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as Peter was going out he returns and says,"Give me another condom because my ...

Two musicians, John and Mary, meet after a long time not seeing each other.

They talk about their lives and start to like each other.

John says: "Mary, we know each other since we were kids. I find you very attractive now, and you just said I'm looking very cute. We are both single and I am not afraid to say that I'd like to make love to you, if you want it too."...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

My eldest put together a Dora joke

When my two younger sons were in the toddler to kindergarten age, they loved watching Dora the Explorer. Episode after episode. My wife & I found it very cute.

My eldest found it quite annoying. But he was a teenager then.

He came up with a Dora joke after a weekend of 500 (just...

Two atoms are walking together...

One of them says:

“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”

The other replies, “Are you sure?”

The first says, “Yes, I’m positive.”

*This is an oldy all over the internet, but very cute.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

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