On the first day, God created the dog and said, ‟Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ‟That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ...
As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.
But who am I kidding?
I don't understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!”
and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!
My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...
Me: all my friends do it
Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too
Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite
My friend didn't understand my ocean puns
I guess I should have been more pacific.
I'll sea myself out.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit…
…when I start auditioning women for her part.
I’m trying to get my mom to understand my interest in plasma
But she keeps telling me that it’s just a phase
I can't understand my parents.
I am 35 years old and they're still living with me.
Bridge to Hawaii
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime...
Lying
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Ever...
Native American Joke: "Chief Jumping Bear, there's just one thing I don't understand: In my dream, there was this... bacon tree."
A long, long time ago, when white man first came to the Americas, there was a tribe living happily in a land with plentiful running streams, plentiful forests, and plentiful beavers. And for many, many generations, they were happy.
But one year, the plentiful running streams dried up, the ple...
A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”
“What is it my child?”
“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”
The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”
...
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