UPJOKE

Uncle Was Jokes

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

My uncle was injured in an explosion at the cheese factory today.

He was hit by a chunk of da Brie

My Uncle was in a mental hospital

My uncle is mentally ill and has been in a mental hospital for two years. The doctors noticed that he seemed to be doing well so they decided to discharge him. Before signing the discharge papers, the doctor asked one last question to my uncle just to make sure.

The doctor asked "If you put ...

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .

My gondolences

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My uncle was a crap ventriloquist

He used to stick two fingers in me and tell me not to say anything.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

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My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

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My uncle was vegan. That made his porn interesting.

The first porno I saw was Debbie Does Sallad.

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

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When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

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My uncle was born without eyelids....

My uncle was born without eyelids but the doctor was pretty resourceful. He took his foreskin and made eyelids with it. My uncle is fine now, just a little cock eyed

My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away

He died from a hand grenade

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

Back in the day my uncle was a damn good hypnotist

On an unrelated note I feel compelled to tell you he never touched me

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My uncle was jailed for his beliefs

He believed you could wank on a bus

My Uncle was fired for sleeping with one of his patients...

The worst part is that he's a veterinarian.

Lol just kidding, he's a pediatrician.

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his arm...

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

If your Uncle was an animal, what one would he be?

An Aunt-eater.

Please don't joke about 9/11, my uncle was on one of the planes.

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

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My uncle was caught having sex with sheep at a petting zoo and he just escaped from prison.

Now he’s on the lam

My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...

Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

Practicing

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he ...

Colorblind uncle

My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”

Helsinki

My uncle was in a race across Europe. He was in first place for a while and got to the edge of the Baltic Sea and saw some sailboats drydocked by the water.

He might have been a little too presumptive when he was pulling a boat to the edge of the Sea. The boat’s owner came over to him. He wa...

Quality Assurance in Tea

My uncle was a tea tester. He had to test teas.

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Which one of you am I going to have to fight?

My father told me a story about his uncle. He said that my Uncle was in a town on business and after dinner when walking back to his hotel 7 men suddenly surrounded him and demanded his wallet. My Uncle being the hard ass he is asks the men "well, which one of you am I going to have to fight?" The m...

A man stormed into the Doctor's office

A man stormed into the doctor’s office full of excitement. He grabbed the doctor’s hand and pumping it furiously, exclaimed “Doc, I just want to thank you and tell you how your treatments have improved my life! The bold way that incorporate new scientific breakthroughs with traditional holistic has ...

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At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:

'So, what's your story Timmy?'

'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'

'And what's the moral of this story?'

'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one b...

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Pancho Villa

So a man walks into a bar in Mexico and sees a picture of Pancho Villa hanging on the wall. He starts talking to a local bar fly and it turns out this man’s uncle had once met Pancho Villa!

“Once, when my uncle was a young boy, Pancho Villa came riding through his town. My uncle, who was yo...

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