UPJOKE

Two Women Jokes

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her !"
...

Two women die and go to Heaven...

...only to find it full of ducks. Saint Peter appears and says, "Hello! Welcome to Heaven. There's only one real rule here, and it's because God really loves ducks -- Do _not_ EVER step on a duck."

The women, slightly confused, agree to the terms. What choice is there? They head off into the...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

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two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having in five minutes, rolled o...

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

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Two women were playing golf

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and i...

A guy overhears two women at the bar talking with an accent

He walks up to them and asks “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but hear you speak, are you two ladies from Scotland perhaps?”.

The women turn toward him and one of them rudely replies “it’s Wales, !”.

He says “Excuse me, are you two whales from Scotland?”

Two women died and appear at the gates of Heaven

Saint Peter, standing at the gates, asks the first woman.
What was the last thing you remember doing?
Woman: Blowing bubbles while riding in a car.
Peter: Name?
Woman: Jess.
Peter smiles and says: Well Jess, blowing bubbles in a car is not a sin so you may enter Heaven. ...

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustio...

A guy calls 911 and says: "Please, send the cops quickly, there are two women fighting over me"

Says the male 911 operator: "That sounds pretty good for you, why do you want the police to come?"

Says the caller: "Because the fat one is winning!"

Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.

No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:

'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'

Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.

Two women who are best friends are talking.

"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"

"No."

"So, we'll be enemies then?

"No."

"What would we be then?

"Even."

Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

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Two women go on a night out...

Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst,...

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Two women are smoking cigarettes outside...

...when all of a sudden, it starts to rain. One woman reaches into her pocketbook and pulls out a small square item. She tears it open and unfurls a condom, only to place it over her cigarette, which keeps it dry.

The other woman looks on in awe. “What is that thing? It’s genius! Normally I ...

Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

Two women are chatting at work [short joke]

Two women are chatting at work.


The first woman says, “my husband surprised me with flowers last night. You know what that means, I’m going to have to spend the entire weekend with my legs in the air….”


Her coworker replies, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

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Two women were chatting in the airport lounge…

The younger one says “I must be jet lagged, I went to get my ticket to Pittsburgh and asked for a picket to dicksburgh”

The older one replies and says “I know what you mean, I called my husband to remind him to take out the trash and instead said ’you ruined my life you drunken ’”

Two women decide to make some money by betting on horse races.

They come to the track and start thinking which horse to bet upon. After all, they don't know much about the matter. Suddenly, one says:

**Woman 1**: Listen, I have an idea. What's your cup size?

**Woman 2**: C.

**Woman 1**: And mine is D. That's three and four. Three plus four ...

Two women left a bar after a night of drinking

On their way home they began following a set of railroad tracks.

After several minutes following the tracks, one woman said "This is the LONGEST flight of stairs i've ever climbed in my life!"

The second said "it's not the stairs that bug me, it's these damn low railings!"

Two Women

A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.

Two women were harvesting carrots.

One of them pulled a huge carrot from the ground and exclaimed "This one reminds me of my husband!"

"So large?" asked her friend.

"No - so dirty."

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Two women are sitting on a bench in the park.

First woman says



“have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?”



Second woman replies



“no, but I have been swung around by my ”

A drunk Irishman sees two women at the bar.

Irishman: You two ladies from England?

Girl: No, Wales.

Irishman: You two whales from England?

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Two Women Talking in Heaven

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal

2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?

1 Woman: I froze to death.

2 Woman: How horrible!

1 Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2 Woman: I di...

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Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’...

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Two women meet in heaven...

One a young blonde the other a middle aged brunette. They are standing in line chatting with each other as they wait to get into heaven.

They older brunette asked: "How did you die? You're so young, it must've been tragic."

The blonde answered: "Oh, well I froze to death. It wasn't too...

Two women discuss their husband's...

"My Herbert snores so loud I just can't sleep. I don't know what to do.."
Her friend says, "well I don't know if helps but when our dog snores we tie some laurel around his tail"

It's morning, Herbert wakes up, completely hang over, looks down, sees the laurel wreath down there, calls his ...

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.

Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

A man notices two women sitting at the bar who have heavy accents.

A man notices two women sitting at the bar who have heavy accents. He approaches them and says, "By any chance, are you two ladies from Ireland?" "It's Wales, you idiot," one snaps back at him. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Ireland?

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was respons...

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

A common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time...

one to cook, one to clean.

Two women go to a hospital for tests.

One of them is worried she might be pregnant, and the other one has the sniffles. They get tested, but their results get switched. The woman with the sniffles receives the result saying that she's pregnant.

"Dammit!!" she exclaims, "You can't even trust vegetables anymore!"

Two women were sitting quietly together...

minding their own business.

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What's the difference between two blokes having and two women having ?

There are loads, actually

Two women are looking over a bridge.

The one says “I want to pee over the edge into the water just like men do.” So, she bends over and drops her pants. “Look, I’ll aim right for that canoe.” She says. “That’s not a canoe.” the other woman says “It’s your reflection.”

Two women in heaven

After falling in front of a bus and dying a women found herself in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. she was let in with after having been told the rules of heaven.

"You can do anything you like, except step on a duck"

She found that odd bu twas happy anyway.

When she ent...

Two women are talking over a garden fence.

I was sorry to hear about your husband dying in the garden. Whatever happened?

Well, he was bent over pulling up a cabbage for our dinner and he had a massive heart attack.

Oh dear, what did you do?

Nothing else I could do. I had to open a tin of peas.

Two women buy three pieces of cake for two Euros each

The bakery clerk says: "That makes five Euros."

One woman to the other: "You can say anything against the school system, but it is consumer-friendly."

Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"

Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest tim...

When two women are in a relationship together...

...how do they know which one is always right?

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.

One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

Her friend promptly replied, “...

Two women bicycling

Two women in France were bicycling towards town along a cobbled-stoned path. One woman said, "I've never come this way before." The other said "It's the cobblestones"

I was sitting in a bar one day and two women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!"

So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's about as far as I remember.

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When two women marry each other, how do they decide

which one doesn’t want to have any more?

[] Two women are discussing about their husbands...

Woman 1- It's been such an awfull week, first I burned my hand on the stove and then I found out my husband is 100% impotent.

Woman 2- What do you mean by 100% ?

Woman 1- Well... His dong isn't working anymore.

Woman 2- Relax, my husband is 300% impotent, you're doing fine.
<...

Two women are eating ice cream

One is licking her ice cream and the other one biting it. Sherlock and Wattson are sitting and looking at them.

Sherlock asks: "Wattson, try to guess which of those two women is married?"

Wattson replies: "Hmm, I guess the one thats licking her ice cream isnt married."

Sherlock...

Two women go to Spain to buy a bull...

Two women got sent to Spain from America to buy a bull for a wealthy Rancher.

They have a great time travelling and sight seeing.
They lose themselves in the fun and end up spending all of their bull-purchasing money buying match tickets to watch the El Classico. Once the euphoria is over,...

A brunette woman was walking along a set of railroad tracks, repeating to herself, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

A blonde woman saw the brunette and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just walking along a railroad track and saying 42, 42, 42," replied the brunette.

"Can I join you?"

"Sure."

So the two women walked along the track repeating, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

Another bl...

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate...

Two women meet in heaven...

There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "...

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Two women are talking

The first one says "I will always vaccinate my children so they won't get diseases." The second one says "I will never vaccinate my children, it could be harmful to them" then the first lady yells " Are you delusional" the second lady answers with "that's why I take them to the doctor where ...

Two women are at a bar...

One turns to the other and asks, "Have you heard about the Bechdel test?"

Two women are in a insane asylum

Eventually they can't take anymore.

#THEY DECIDE TO ESCAPE!#

At night they slip out of their rooms and sneak towards the stairs. They climb up the stairs and make it to the roof. From there they can smell the fresh air, and taste freedom. All they have to do is jump to the next buildin...

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go mental when she gets home from work.

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Two women got pissed drunk and...

And on the way back they were walking through the cemetery and they wanted to take a piss.

One of them took a piss, wiped herself with her underwear and threw them out.

The other wiped it with a wreath. The next morning one of the husbands call the other and he said we can’t let them g...

Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *smack!* and the train leaves the tunnel.

The mother thinks, "that young man stole a ...

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Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"

"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."

"Majestic."

"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"

"Majestic!"

"Once...

Two women met in a cafe for their weekly chitchat

"My husband brought me 20 roses yesterday for our anniversay. Bet now he expects that I spread my legs for 2 weeks"

"Why that? Don't you have a vase?"

Two women are on their way home smashed after a hen night

Stumbling around, as they wander home they become desperate for a wee. They pass a graveyard, and deciding its the only place they can be sure nobody will see them, they go in.

They go for a whizz, and woman one used her to clean up before discarding them behind a bush. Woman 2, worri...

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Two women were walking home from a night out...

When they both decided they needed to take a piss , so they quickly hopped over a wall into a cemetery and did their business.
A few days later the husbands of these two women were at the pub, when one said to the other "i think my wife is having a affair" "how come" the other one responded "well...

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Two women decides to go out and have some fun without their husbands.

The night turned out great it was a lot of fun. They got tipsy so they headed back home, but on the road they had a sudden urge to pee, so they climbed over the wall of a graveyard nearby. When finnished, they recocgnised they’ve got nothing to wipe themself clean with. One of them used her ...

I once got slapped for calling two women hipsters.

I guess the politically correct term is ~~combined ~~ *conjoined twins.

Two women died at the same time.

Both women had lived good christian lives. They both found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said that they were shoe-ins to heaven, but they each had to answer one question in order to get in.

He asks the first woman "What was the name ...

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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.

As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she
took off her pa...

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Two women sit on a porch in plantation times:

One is the daughter of a rich plantation owner and the other is the daughter of an average middle class southerner. The rich daughter loves to brag so naturally she looks over at the middle class daughter and says "My daddy just got me this pretty dress, see all these intricate frills?" the middle c...

Two women are coming home from a long night out

They're half way home when they both suddenly really need the toilet so they go in some bushes just outside an old graveyard. They have nothing to wipe with so the first one uses her underwear and the second one grabs a wreath from nearby.

The next night the two husbands are drinking in a bar...

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them i...

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Two women are talking

— You look upset, what's wrong?

— It was my husband's birthday yesterday, so I gave him a set of fishing lures.

— Great gift! You told me he goes fishing every weekend for the past ten years.

— Yeah... he opened it, looked inside the box and asked me "What the are these?"

One day, two women dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter.

The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."

The second woman replies, "I know..."

The first woman is surprised and asks, "How do you know?"

The second woman says, "My dog...

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Two women are grocery shopping

One picks up a russet potato and says: "This reminds me of my husbands ."

The other woman says: "Wow, that big?"

The first woman replies: "No, that dirty."

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I've never had with two women at once...

But I have slept with somebody who *weighs* as much as two women.

-Dave Attell

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Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven....

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It`s very uncomf...

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Two women are partners at a science laboratory

They both work together and create a breakthrough in modern science.
Their boyfriends receive this news while they are both at the bar together.
One boyfriend turns to the other and says,
"Dude, we're ' geniuses."

A man and two women die and go to heaven

They reach the pearly gates, where St. Peter greets them and has them sign some legal papers. They are confused, but sign anyway, eager to get to paradise.

As they finish, St. Peter points to the last paragraph of the papers, saying, "Pay special attention to that provision. Do NOT step on a ...

Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven.

However, there's only room for one of them in heaven. So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter." So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies. St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman. The second woman lifts up ...

There were old two women sat on a park bench when an old man flashed them.

One immediately had a stroke

The other couldn't quite reach

Two women are sitting at a bus stop...

They're both smoking, and it starts to rain. One if them out her cigarette out, and the other took out a condom to put over the cigarette so she could continue smoking.

The woman looks at the one with the condom and says, "wow that's neat, what is it and where can I get one?"

The other...

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I told my Girlfriend my ultimate fantasy is to have with two women at the same time. She actually agreed...

She was livid when I told her she was neither of them.

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Two women are standing on a bridge...

...one says, "You know what, Helen, I've always wanted to pee off this bridge just like men do."
The other woman says, "Go ahead there isn't anyone around."
So she goes over, drops her pants, sticks her over the edge and says, "Come here I'm gonna pee into that canoe."
The other woman w...

Two women in Florida were arrested this week after posing as old ladies in order to get a Covid vaccine

Two kids in a trench coat got away with with the same idea, but only one got vaccinated.

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out

Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her and use t...

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Two women have a ladies-night in a local bar.

They have few drinks, maybe some drinks too many. Sothe decision was made to go home, both very drunk. On the way home they have the urge to pee, right as they walk by an cemetery. Both looking for a quiet spot and do their business and grab ne nearest thing to clean themselves afterwards.

...

There once were two women, a redhead and a blonde.

The two women decided to go to the park. On the way there the blonde says, “We have to go back! My hands are freezing!” The redhead replies, “Just put your hand in your pockets,” to which the blonde replies, “I can’t! That where my winter gloves are!”

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A man walks into a bar with two women yelling at him.

The bartender gets annoyed at this, and promptly kicks them out. Afterwards, the bartender walks up to the man and says, "honestly, both of them." To which the man responds, "Well, I did, that's why they're so angry."
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