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Two Old Ladies Jokes

Two old ladies met at the park...

The first old lady asked, "Did you come on the bus?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench

A man walks up in a trenchcoat and flashes them. The first lady has a stroke, the second lady couldn't quite reach.

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about...

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Two old ladies smoking

Two old ladies are outside smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. One pulls out a condom, cuts off the tip, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking.

The other old lady is surprised and asks about it. The first one explains that it’s just a condom. She buys them at the pharmacy and...

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There are two old ladies at a park. One is rich while the other one is poor. It was the Rich lady's birthday last week.

"my husband got me a diamond ring for my birthday" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"he also got me a Mercedes C class" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"so what did yours get you?" asks the rich lady

"a book about anger mana...

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Two Old Ladies

There were once two old Jewish ladies on a vacation in Israel. They are floating together out in the dead sea when one says to the other, "want a smoke?"

She replies, "Here? How?" The first lady reaches in to her bathing suit and pulls out a balloon with two cigarettes and a lighter in it. Th...

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."

Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each ...

Two old ladies were attending a church service

And about half way through one says:

"I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

The other woman proceeds to lean over slowly and say:

"Put some new batteries in your bloody hearing aids!"

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Two old ladies

Fanny and Mary, two small and elderly ladies living in a retirement community in Florida are sitting on a porch and enjoying some cold ice tea after a game of bingo. They've been gossiping for a while, when suddenly Fanny asks:

'Mary, dear, you and your Frank have been happy in marriage, righ...

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina,

were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them a...

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Two old ladies are sitting at church ...

One of the ladies leaned over and whispered "the sermon is so long my butt fell asleep". Her friend whispered back "I know, I heard it snoring."

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench...

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a stroke.
The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that...

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Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies are at the hairdresser. One is happy and one is sad. The happy one asks “what’s wrong honey?”
The sad one replied “it’s my sex life. It’s non-existent. “
Happy lady says “well I’m so happy because my sex life is great!”
Sad lady “really? Why is that?”
Happy one “it’s sim...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

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Two old ladies were seated next to each other on a train.

The first lady turns to the other and asks, "where you headed to?" The second lady replied with disgust, " I'm heading to a place where they know not to end a sentence in a preposition." The first lady sits quietly for a minute then turns back to the second and says, "so, where you headed to, bitch....

Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."

"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."

The next day, Old Lady 2 goes i...

Two old ladies are sitting on a bench outside and smoking

Suddenly, it starts raining.

To make sure that her cigarette doesn't turn off, one of them takes out a condom and cuts the tip of it. Then she puts it on the tip of the cigarette. This way, the rain drops won't turn off the cigarette.

Her friend, who's sitting besides her, asks: "you d...

Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a condom out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.

The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.

She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The ...

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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"


...

Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida...

The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."

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Old Ladies at the Beach

A man at the nude beach is checking his tan and realizes there's one part of him that isn't tanned. Yep, THAT part. So, he covers it liberally with suntan lotion and proceeds to bury himself in the sand leaving only his mouth, nose, and member exposed.

Two old ladies are walking down the pa...

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Two old ladies are out side their nursing home smoking cigarettes and having a drink

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
...

Two old ladies go to a baseball game with a jug of whiskey. Name the inning and number of players on the bases.

Bottom of the fifth, bags are loaded.

Two old ladies are in a car...

They're driving down the street when suddenly they pass a red light.

Dorothy, who's sitting in the passenger's seat thinks to herself, 'oh well, Matilda is getting pretty old and her vision isn't what it used to be. She probably didn't see that red light, happens to everyone."

They dr...

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Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

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Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

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Two old ladies are taking a smoke break...

... as they stand there, it starts to rain. One lady pulls out a condom, opens it up, cuts the tip off, slides it over her cigarette and continues to smoke. The other lady, impressed, asks "where did you get that?"
"You can get them pretty much anywhere you buy cigarettes, they're called condo...

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