UPJOKE

Two Leg Jokes

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?

The Weasley twins

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a two-legged goat

The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me, but why does that goat only have two legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that goat is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the goat, an...

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

A blue collar worker in an industrial accident.

What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the night?

a schizophrenic cripple without a leg...

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

What do you call a moose with two legs shorter than the others?

Mussolini

What do you call a cat who walks on two legs?

Doesn't matter what you call it. It still won't come.

What has two legs and flies?

Mike Pence!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of cow has two legs?

Your mom.

Sorry... But my 11 year old just told me this and I lost my shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

What was two wings, but cannot fly; two eyes, but cannot see; and two legs, but cannot walk?

A dead bird.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.

A man with two legs walks into a bar

*The bartender screams*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chimpanzee says to another "I think I prefer to walk on just two legs"

The other chimp looks at him funny in response.

The first chimp quickly adds, "No homo!"

What's got two legs and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

Two legged tripods?

Can't stand them.

Dad, what do you call a fish with two legs?

A two-knee fish.

Courtesy of my 8-year old. Thought it was pretty good lol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What mouse walks on two legs?

Mickey Mouse...

What duck walks on two legs?







All ducks you dumbass..

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

What has two arms,two legs and eats ants?

Uncles

What do you call a cow with only its front two legs?

Well that would be an utter drag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Why’d it take so long for the two legged cat to cross the road?

It had two paws

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth...

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head!

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar an...

Today I made an in depth presentation about ground breaking research on bad effects of the two legged posture in humans

It was well received. In fact they even gave me a standing ovation.

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.