UPJOKE

Two Inch Jokes

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and women love to get it?

A hundred dollar bill.

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

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My penis may only be two inches….

But it smells like a foot!

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...

I told her I would back up two inches...

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

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My boyfriend insisted that a two inch penis can’t change our relationship.

But I still called the police after I found one in the fridge.

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

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I like to brag about my penis being two inches. From the ground.

I’m told it’s not as impressive if I’m laying on my stomach.

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

A teacher asks her class

to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bu...

I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king"

"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.

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A group a of 3rd grade boys are being called a name by some 4th graders…

The 4th graders kept calling the 3rd graders dicks.
Naturally the younger kids had no clue what a dick was, so one boy speaks up and says he’ll ask his dad wha a dick was.
Once home, he proceeded to ask his dad what it was.
Taken back by such a question, the dad say, “not only can I tell y...

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the ex...

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The Fly (a tad long, but bear with me)

On a hot midsummer afternoon a fly was hovering over a pond thinking, "if I just go two inches down, the moisture from the pond will cool me".

But, unknown to the fly, a fish was watching the fly from under the water thinking, "if the fly comes just two inches down, I can jump up and gobble i...

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Some jerk on my wedding asked "how's my ex's used pussy?"

I replied "it felt brand spankin' new after the first two inches."

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

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One day, Putin called up Trump asking for a favor...

"We have a problem. All of Russia's condom manufacturers have gone bankrupt, and soon we will have a shortage," said Putin.

"That sounds pretty bad. How can we help?" Trump asked.

"We need you to send us American condoms."

"Of course, we can cut you a deal."

"Another thin...

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the great...

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

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Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington. There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and pooping, two inches deep in some places. They were really annoying. I asked her if they'd tried getti...

A frog walks into the bank and asks for a 30000 dollar loan for a holiday

The teller is confused but introduces herself "hi I'm Patricia Whack". The frog says "hi I'm Kermit Jagger, my Dad is Mick Jagger I know the manager it is all good".

Patty explains that he will need some collateral for the loan. Kermit produces a small porcelain elephant, pink, two inches ta...

I was admiring my naked body in the mirror today, when I said to my wife, "Look at this! 200 pounds of pure dynamite!"

My wife replied, "Too bad about the two inch fuse!"

A young man goes into a confessional booth and confesses to the priest that he used the Lord's name in vain.

"Tell me what happened my child, so we may begin the path of forgiveness." Said the priest behind the curtain.

"I was golfing," began the man. "And my first shot went deep into the rough."

"Ah, and that is where you misused the Lord's name is it?" Replied the priest.

"No father,...

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A man is standing in front of a mirror, admiring his penis

"Two inches more and I would be a king!"

His wife from behind him shouts "Two inches less, and you would be a queen!"

An old woman calls her doctor.

She said she is tired of living and want to know the best way to kill herself. The doctor says, " Im sorry ma'm but i cant help you kill yourself!" The old woman tells him, "Fine, i will just jump off of a building then." The doctor didn't want that, so he said "Very well. Lay down in your bed and s...

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Like father, almost like son.

Little 8-year-old Jimmy was getting ready for school in the morning, when he decided to go see what his dad was doing. He walked into his parents' room only to find that his dad wasn't quite dressed yet. He had his robe on, but it wasn't fastened and hung loose.


Little Jimmy glimpsed at h...

A man sends a bottle of champagne to a beautiful woman at a nearby table.

She sends back the bottle with a note

"Thank you. But in order for me to accept this bottle of champagne you must have a Lexus in the garage, a million in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants"

Scoffingly the gentleman sends back the bottle with his note

"Well miss, i have two br...

A teacher asks his students to make a sentence with the word "contagious"...

...Sally answers, "Viruses are contagious."

"Very good Sally. Anybody else?", the teacher says.

Ben puts up his hand, "When I hear someone laugh, I like to laugh as well, because laughter is contagious".

"Thankyou Ben, that was a good example", replies the teacher.

Then T...

How did the Corvette driver want to be buried?

Two inches lower.

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies "Wonderful! I've lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture."

The wife looks perplexed.

"In fact" the husband conti...

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Three guys are speeding down the road when they get pulled over.

A female cop gets out of the car and has them line up outside the car.

"Have you guys been drinking tonight?"

"Just a little, Ma'am." Says the driver.

"I'll tell you what", she says, "If you can show me 15 inches of cock I'll let you go."

The first guy pulls his pants dow...

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My friend redeems himself after getting shot down...

My coworker was hitting on these two women who were way put of his league. They tolerated him for a while thinking he would go away, but he was persistent to the point that they were getting visibly agitated.

Thinking she would put him in his place, one of the women finally said, "Look buddy...

A man wakes up one day and notices he’s shrinking. (Long)

He checks his height everyday but today, he has lost an inch. The man thinks nothing of it and continues about his day.

The next day he wakes up and checks his height again. This time he has lost two inches. Concerned, the man calls his physician and scheduled an appointment for the followin...

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What if a fly drops 2 inches?

A fish was looking out of its river and saw this fly and thought 'if that fly drops 2 inches, I'll be able to jump out and eat it.' Then there was a bear looking at the fish that was looking at the fly and thought 'if the fly drops 2 inches the fish will jump up to get the fly and I'll get the fish'...

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My ex broke up with me because she wanted a man with a 9inch penis :(...

... and there was no way I was cutting two inches off.

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A man is showering up in a locker room

with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it ...

Said the nun as the bishop withdrew (xpost /r/limericks)

Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"Not bad for a bishop, it's true,
but the prick of the vicar
is slicker and thicker
and two inches longer than you."

Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.

"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.

She pulled ...

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him to Texas for the first time...

After finishing his first sales meeting in Texas, It was getting late so he checked into a hotel and went to its restaurant for dinner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.

“Waitress” he said, “I ordered a small beer.” She said, “ This is Texas. In Texas that’s a sma...

A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart...

...so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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Confession

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I used the F word this morning on the golf course."
"Tell me, my son, what were the circumstances that put you under such extreme provocation?"
"I drove my tee shot three hundred yards, but the wind suddenly caught it and it landed in the rough." ...

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