UPJOKE

Two Dog Jokes

Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One dog says to the other...

How do you like that? Pay toilets.

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

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Two dogs are sitting in the lounge room

Dog 1 - heard a good joke yesterday.

Dog 2 - oh yeah?

Dog 1 - knock kn...

Dog 2 *goes fucking nuts*

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

I know, says the second owner.<...

A man goes to a kennel hoping to adopt two dogs

The employee there shows him two powerful looking dogs and one small, cute dog.


The man asks if it’s possible to have one powerful dog and the cute dog.


‘Unfortunately,’ says the employee, ‘the two powerful dogs are twins, so they can’t be separated. As they are completely i...

Two dogs are laying in their front room

First dog says to the second dog: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Second dog: Yeah, go on then.
First dog: Knock, knock.
Second dog: Woof, woof, woof, woof!

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Two dogs are walking down the street when...

One dog looks to the other and says, "Dude my life sucks. My owner's so pissed off at me right now for taking a shit in the house this morning, my wife just left me for a poodle of all breeds, and I just feel my will to live leave my body with every waking second".

The other one replies, "Ah ...

My neighbor just walked by with two dogs.

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."

He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sister's."

I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly!"

Dude buys two dogs.

Names them One and Two. One ran away but he's still got Two.

Two Dogs talking.

Dog one: Why are all of the humans wearing muzzles?


Dog two: Because they broke the rules and didn't sit and stay....

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.



They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"



The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was kil...

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

What do you call two dogs breathing heavily?

A pair of pants

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Apparently Donald Trump gets sent, on average, two dog shits in the mail every week.

All I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

Two dogs walked into a bar....

As soon as the bartender saw them he said "Sorry, we don't serve dogs here".

The dogs replied with "I should hope you don't, this isn't China!"

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, ...

I adopted two dogs and named them Timex and Rolex

They're my watch dogs.

two dogs are sitting in a bar talking politics

two dogs are sitting in a bar talking politics.

"i dunno Harry , im not sure i can support a president that does not support Israel , they have always been one of our strongest allies "

"Sure , Bob , But what about the Palestine people ?"

at this , a squirrel jumps up on the ba...

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Two dogs fucking

Father and son walking down the street and see’s two dogs fucking boy says daddy what are those dogs doing Dad they are making a puppy. Two days later boy burst into parents room and they are fucking little boy daddy what are you doing. Dad were making you a baby brother. Little boy can you tur...

Two dogs are sitting at a bar drinking beer...

One dog looks around and says "you notice we're the only ones here with collars on?"

The other dog says "Dammit, we're at a Stray Bar!"

Little Johnny and his dad were walking through a park when they saw two dogs going at it.

"What are they doing?" Little Johnny asked.

"They're making a puppy." was the reply.

Later that night, Little Johnny walked in on his parents. "What are you doing?"

"We're making you a sibling."

"Well, turn her over. I want a puppy."

Decided to buy two dogs.

I named one 1 and the other 2.
So that way when 1 dies, I have 2 left.

Two dogs have a home construction business and work on the tops of houses together.

I guess you could say they work on woofs.

I took my son the park to play when we stumbled across two dogs mating.....

My son being the adorable curious little guy he is stopped stared and asked me

“what are them doggies doing daddy?”

Now me being a modern father wanted to enlighten my boy with real world facts and information....... however also being an easily embarrassed stumbling fool of a man I bl...

Two dogs meet at a dog park

Very excitedly, the collie asks the poodle: "Heys. You wanna hear a joke? I just made this up at the hotdog stand waiting with my master.".

The poodle smiles: "Sure thing, shoot."

The collie smirks his eyes and proudly tells his joke: "How many dachshunds does it take to make a hotdog?...

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A 7 year old girl is walking through a fair with her two dogs

One dog is as black as charcoal and the other dog is white as snow. A man stops and says to her, "what lovely dogs you have there. What is that one's name?"

"Blackey," she replies, "because he is black"

"Oh that is very clever, and what is that one called?" he asks

"Porky," she ...

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Little Johnny saw two dogs having sex in the park...

... so he asks his mother what's going on.

The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the doggie in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."

Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says...

Why is it that when two dogs meet they first do nose and then ass?

First name, last name!

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Two dog owners are walking their dogs down the street...

... they pass a bar, and the owner of the German Shepherd suggests they pop in for a beer. But the owner of the Chihuahua hesitates.
"I don't think they'll let us in there with our dogs," says the Chihuahua owner.
"Sure they will, watch this," and the German Shepherd owner pulls out his su...

Why can't two dogs ever finish a movie?

They keep hitting paws.

A father and his 8 year old son are on a walk and come across two dogs humping.

"Dad, what are those dogs doing?" the boy asks.

"Well son, they're trying to make puppies."

That answer seemed to satisfy the son's curiosity, so no more was said about it and they finished their walk.

Later that night the boy had a nightmare and ran into his parent's room, onl...

Two Dogs Are In The Vet

Two dogs are in the vet office, waiting to be seen. The first dog turns to the one to his left and asks, "what are you in for?"

The other dog looks at him sadly and says, "our neighbors got a really smoking hot poodle, so I jumped the fence and did her right then and there. I'm here to get ne...

Saw two dogs doing it human style.

Saw two dogs doing it human style. They were fighting.

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Two dogs are sitting next to each other in a veterinarian's office...

One of the dogs looks at the other. "So, what are you here for?"

&nbsp;

The other dog looks back. "Well, I guess I have nothing left to lose. I...Well, two days ago, I relieved myself in my master's shoes. When he punished me for it, I chewed his favorite bathrobe to shreds. And......

Two dogs having a serious conversation

Dog 1-Bow bow

Dog 2-Bow bow

Dog 1-Bow bow

Dog 2- Bow bow

Dog 1-Cow cow

Dog 2- Don't change the topic.

Two dogs were fighting the other day.

So I called the police to report domesticated abuse.

A man and his son stumble upon two dogs humping...

When the little boy asks his dad what the dogs are doing, he explains that they're making puppies.

Later that night, the man and his wife are going at it hot and heavy in the bedroom. The little boy stumbles in unannounced. In a panic, the parents hurriedly gather themselves.

The boy a...

Today I saw two dogs make hot streamy love on the roadside.

It's really hurtful to see your ex moving on so quickly.

Two Dogs (From the movie Silkwood)

A young brave visits the chief of the tribe with a question. "Wise one, is it true you name all the members of the tribe, and if so, how is it done?"

The venerable old man replies "Yes, for over 20 years I have named each person who is born to the tribe. I sit outside the lodge, and when I he...

Two dogs are standing beside a road...

The first one goes, "woof", the second says, "knock it off! That's all you said yesterday."

two dogs at the vet

A great dane and a poodle are in nearby kennels at a vet's office.

Poodle: "I get overly excited and pee on the floor when my owner comes home. His evil wife is having me put to sleep. What are you in for?"

Dane: "That's too bad. I got way too excited when my owner started doing...

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

A guy with 2 dogs walks into a bar

A guy walks into his local bar with two dogs. "I didn't know you had dogs," the bartender comments. "They're not my dogs," the guy replies. "They're my sister's." "Wow, your sisters are ugly," the bartender says.

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, TvĂĽ hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.

...

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NSFW... A young Indian boy goes to talk to his grandfather.

He asks, "Grandfather, how is it you come to name the members of our tribe?"

Grandfather says, "Well, your father... When he was born I walked out from the birthing hut. I stood up, as I looked to the sky... I saw an eagle soaring in the great breath of the earth. So I named him Soaring Eagle...

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A native American asks his dad...

Why is my brother called Soaring Eagle?

The Chief replies,
When your brother was born the first thing I did was take him outside, and saw a eagle soaring through the air.

The boy then asks,
Why is my sister named Sitting Bull?

The boys father says,
When you...

Sniffs

Two dogs were walking down the street. One dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "I was just c...

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It’s Nature

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating. She said 'How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?'

I replied he can smell she is ready, thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked h...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his dad are going for a walk in the park where they see two dogs humping.

Johnny asks “Dad what are those dogs doing?”

The dad gets flustered and says “They are making a puppy”

Later that night Johnny hears strange noises coming from his parents room. When he ...

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When to visit my friend the other day

He told me make yourself at home but stay out of the kitchen, the floors just got waxed an are a little slippery. I look over and see his two dogs running and falling over on the kitchen floor so i ask what is up with those two. He looks over and says with a smile.

"*Them bitches be trippin*...

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Native American child to mother:

“Mother, white people have simple names, like Peter or John. Why do us Indians have such long names?”

Mother: “Well child, when a baby is born the chief looks outside the teepee and he names the baby after the first thing he sees, like Eagle Soaring High, or Red Deer Running. Does that answer...

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A young man turns 21 and decides to change his name.

He goes to the village wise man and explains what he wants.

"You do realize that, in our village, it is a tradition for the father to name a child after the first thing he sees after the child is born, don't you?" The young man nods.

"That is why your older sister is named 'Flying Dove...

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"How did my sister and I get our names?"

NSFW.

One day a young Native American boy asked his father how he and his sister got their names.

His dad told the boy, "when a child is born someone from the family looks outside and names the child after the first thing they see."

"So that's why sister's name is singing blue b...

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

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A lawyer, an architect and a mathematician are all in the dog park with their dogs.

The mathematician walks up to the other two and says check out what my dog can do and throws a handful of jellybeans in the sand and snaps his fingers. His dog pushes them into a perfect circle and he says, look a perfect circle, that’s geometry and that’s math.

The architect says oh yeah wat...

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A young Cherokee boy asked his father...

"Hey Dad, where did you get my brother's name?". His father replied, "You see, while your mother was giving birth, I was waiting outside and when I first heard him cry, I looked up and saw an eagle soaring up in the sky, that's why I named him 'Flying Eagle'".

"How about my sister?", the ki...

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An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replie...

A father and son were at the park

The son saw two dogs in top of each other. The son asked his father what they were doing and said "that's how puppys are made".

The next day at home the son walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad on top of his mum. He stops for a sec and askes what they are doing and his dad said "th...

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