UPJOKE

Twelve Hour Jokes

By working faithfully eight hours a day,

you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four ho...

There's a French spy, a Russian spy, and an Italian spy...

who are assigned to work as a team. On a particular mission, they are captured, blindfolded, and are placed in a cell together.

A man tells the spies that they will be tortured until they confess everything they know.

The Frenchman is called out first. He is put on a chair, his hands t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a pharmacy

and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label \*...

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are camping together

Around the campfire they each claim to be the best at winning converts to their respective faiths. To settle the friendly dispute they decide to seek out a bear and try to convert it. The next day they fan out in different directions into the woods, planning to meet back at the campsite in twelve ho...

Dyslexic

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two doctors were talking about one of the nurses at their hospital...

"She seems very confused sometimes, and she always gets things mixed up! Last week I asked her to give Mrs. Frederikson two pills every twelve hours, and she gave her twelve pills every two hours!"
"I know, I Know" replies the second doctor "I observed something similar: I told her to feed one sp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two explorers are lost in the jungle.

They are captured by the tribe and thrown in jail for trespassing. The chief hands down the punishment. Death or bakula. He makes the first explorer choose. Death or bakula. The first explorer thinks it over. He wants to see his loved ones again. He wants to live and chooses bakula. The chief claps ...

Did you hear about the polar bear on the news last night?

That one broke the ice.

Reddit I come to you with a request - Do you have any good ice breaker jokes? Better than the one I just used? This is because I have used that one for almost 3 years now and it might be wearing thin on it's life of being funny.

The only other one I have heard i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

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