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Tweeting Jokes

My pet bird was frantically tweeting so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.

President Trump begrudgingly updates his conditions by simply Tweeting:

Coughfefe

Me: Ah, listen to those birds tweeting - it's so lovely to share our home with all of nature

Also me: Die you bloody ants, die - how dare you try to invade our private living space!

With the deal finalized, Elon Musk reveals the main reason why he spent 45billion dollars to buy Twitter..

To finally ban the teenager that was tweeting his jetplane's flightpaths. Rich people can be so petty, wow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got woken up at half-past four this morning again, by this bird on my windowsill.

I've decided to name it Donald.


Never stops fucking tweeting.

How do you know when a moron has contracted the Coronavirus?

When he stopped tweeting and went to Walter Reed.

A Sliced Dairy Product

There was once a man named Ani. Ani was a long-time comedian. He had been running both a YouTube and a Twitter account for an entire decade, and did stand-up in bars and comedy clubs. Everywhere he went, he was showered with praise for his originality and dedication. On one 17th of August, however, ...

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate disappointing people in general. So instead of telling my boss I’m gonna quit...

I’ve been tweeting homophobic and racist epithets for 8 months now, but sadly I’m still here.

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick used be visible from the Space Station

But NASA told me to stop tweeting dick pics at its astronauts

You have to read this in Paul McCartney's voice

When I find my tweets are causing trouble

Mother Russia comforts me

Tweeting words of wisdom

Covfefe

They don't trust the robots, they say you can't trust a machine.

I wonder how long it will take for them to stop tweeting about it.

If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

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>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...

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