Turns Out Jokes - 99 Hilarious Turns Out Jokes

It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.

I've read the bible and it turns out, I only believe in 12.5% of it.

Guess that makes me an Eighth Theist.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turns out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

It turns out Alanis Morisette has a huge collection of Pennywise dolls

Who would have thought?
IT figures

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Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind

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It turns out Neutrinos are Catholic.

They have mass.

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.

“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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I went to the doctor, turns out I'm constipated...

No shit

Turns out diarrhea is hereditary-

It runs in your genes

I met my new neighbor today. Turns out he's Swiss.

I told him I'd never met someone from Switzerland before, and asked what he likes most about his home country.

He shrugged. "I dunno. The flag's a big plus."

Turns out Trump just got confused

He made the swamp great again and drained America.

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So turns out my wife Is racist

So I met a beautiful black woman but when I introduced her to my wife all she said was "pack your shit and leave"

Turns out geometry is actually easy...

This is shaping up to be a better school year than I thought it would be

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Turns out my wife of 20 years is a horrible racist!

Last weekend I brought my black girlfriend over for dinner and my wife told her to get the fuck out.

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So turns out dumbledore was gay

Brings a whole new meaning to his title of “headmaster”

So it turns out Bob Marley is my

roll model.

Turns out the archeologist's assistant wasn't actually crushed by a giant fresco.

It was a big relief

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Turns out you can't get high off Viagra.

Found that out the hard way.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Turns out you can go to a store and buy a birthday cake any day you feel like it and eat it yourself.

Nobody checks.

Turns out plantar fasciitis is a foot condition

Not a farmer who loves Mussolini.

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

It turns out I was guilty of a major misconception with this whole abortion thing

I thought "Row vs Wade" was a decision shipwreck survivors had to make

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"

(Sorry)

So, it turns out that "In-N-Out" is NOT a brothel

but "Animal style" still means the same thing; so that was nice.

It turns out if you Google "Lost medieval servant boy"

it says "this page cannot be found"

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

It turns out the iPhone 7 is illegal.

It got de-ported

It turns out that 70 percent of people are stupid.

Glad I’m in the other 20 percent!

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

Turns out I've been dating a communist...

...I blame myself, I should've seen the red flags.

Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child.

It just changed the colour.

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So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

I’ve just checked my BMI, and it turns out

I have to grow at least 4 inches

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

I tried incubating some chicks but turns out my rooster is sterile.

Oh well.
No harm, no fowl.

Turns out I am adopted!

suprised my dads never told me

I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out...

...he's got 2 left feet.

I finally found my wife’s G-spot.

Turns out, it’s in her sister.

Turns Out, I'm Not Allowed to Have an OnlyFans Account.

I have a central heating & air system.

It turns out I was wrong about my orthopedic shoes

I stand corrected.

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

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“Turns out, my new girlfriend is quite the gambler”

“What makes you say that?”

“Yesterday when we were having sex, she suddenly says: “wanna make this more interesting?””

Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

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Turns out using ad block pisses off more people than I originally thought.

None of the hot singles in my area wanted to have sex with me after I installed it.

Turns out you gotta pay to get into MENSA...

...I thought these people were supposed to be smart?

Turns out my brother-in-law has some kind of psychosis

Turns out I'm married to her.

I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100%

going to jail for shoplifting.

So it turns out there were these two cats

So it turns out there were these two cats, an English cat called One-Two-Three and a French cat called Un-Deux-Trois. One sunny day in Dover the two cats happened to meet and soon discovered that they had very similar names.

Being cats, they had to determine which was the better cat. They dec...

It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof.

It's impeccable.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

I was planning to take Astrophysics as my last college course but it turns out to be full. So I have to take some other course to graduate.

It’s…not Rocket Science.

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.

The other day I met a sentient ant who grew fond of me. It turns out he has the ability to type and write as well…

This looks like it’s all a cake day joke, but it’s just fondant.

I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it..

When their tent falls down...

Turns out Jesus is not that popular in Twitter

Only 12 followers

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Turns out, when you drain the swamp...

You are left with nothing, but the shit at the bottom.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.

Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.

Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

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if you decide to slap a random black guys ass and it turns out to be Dwayne Johnson..

..you've really hit rock bottom

Turns out Matthew McCoughnehey is a racist...

... I guess we should've known he was part of the alt-right alt-right alt-right.

Netflix is cracking down on password sharing as it turns out one-third of users share logins

Recent news from the company shows they are not worried about the other two-thirds who are Redditors with no friends

It turns out my Ex likes to be dominated.

I was honestly shocked, I would never have pegged them as a sub.

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

Trump said...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

This isn'...

It turns out, Dolphins intelligence is second only to man.

This means women drop to third place.

Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

I thought I saw a Direwolf, but it turns out it was just a regular wolf.

I can't believe I got the two confused, the differences are Stark.

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Turns out my wife likes Mexican food more than sex.

When I asked her if she wanted some dick for dinner, all she said was “nachos.”

Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

Turns out google is selling your personal data

Bing if true.

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

Got a new girlfriend, turns out she’s anorexic,

lately I’ve been seeing less and less of her.

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

It turns out I'm Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

Apparently there's more, but I can't Finnish.

Turns out my friend was right when he said I'd go deaf

I never heard the end of that

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I thought my wife was cheating on me but it turns out she's just fucking crazy.

Yeah, apparently I have multiple personality disorder

It turns out that I am really good at drawing..

Well,at least the doctor said so,as he spoke in a British accent about how I am artistic..

I just finished the book “101 mating positions”, and I was really disappointed.

Turns out—-it’s a book about chess.

Turns out dogs can't detect cancer

Cats can...

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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

It turns out the town drunk is an exorcist.

Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.

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I need a good Knock Knock joke.

A profile on a dating profile had the prompt "I'm funnier than you," so my opener was "Knock Knock." And now I'm fucked cause I don't actually know any decent ones other than the Randy Feltface one, which doesn't work with text.

Edit: Picked one. Let's see how it goes. I did not pick any of t...

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It turns out I'm awesome at sex

I come first every time!

Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown..

Cuz he’s a key worker.

I'm Lightning McQueen. My buddy Mater told me if I like the Piston Cup, I could work here and get dozens a day. As it turns out...

That's not what he meant, and I hate working in a drug-screening lab.

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

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