UPJOKE
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I was listening to Wonderwall and my mum told me to turn it off

I said maybe...

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed..

It was a complete flip - flop

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A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

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Voodoo dick

A man is going on a business trip and he wants to buy his very attractive wife a vibrator to pleasure herself when he's away. He goes to a sex shop and asks the woman behind the counter to give him the best vibrator she has. The woman shows him some of the vibrators on display and says, "these are ...

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A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says t...

Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool?

Don't believe me?

Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"


CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."


MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

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