UPJOKE

Trying To Find Jokes

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

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I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.

After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass...

My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is

But everyone keeps saying it's private

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.

No one will do it.

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Been trying to find the best way to describe my penis...

...I've been thinking long and hard.

Credit: Gary Delaney

Trying to find an old "man/woman" joke from 1997 newsgroup

Back in the late 90's, I saw a joke about a man and a woman. They decided they would take turns, writing a book together.

The woman starts out writing this love story, then, the man turns it into a war story and they end up in a huge fight. If anyone has this classic, or a link to it, I w...

A man's been driving around a crowded parking lot trying to find a place to park.

"Lord," he prayed, "I can't take this any longer. If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking and go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says, "Never mind, I found one."

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A man is trying to find his way in a new town

One day he's walking along main street in the town, being ignored by all the other townsfolk when a man in a pickup pulls up and gets his attention.


"You look like you're new in town there sir," the driver said.


"Yeah I am," said the man.


The man in the pickup...

i have been trying to find out what LGBTQ is

but i cant get a straight answer

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"

I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."

When you’re trying to find a guy with ticklish nuts

It takes a lot of test tickles

When I’m trying to find a hum in my music studio:

Hmmmm.

——

I made this up and no matter how few upvotes it gets im proud because it’s original.

So two guys are trying to find a place to smoke weed...

One of them suggest a field nearby where some cows are grazing. So they light up and are smoking when a police car turns on the sirens and pulls down the road. “What are we going to do?” says one of the guys. “Give the joint to the cow. When the cops get over here, they can’t arrest us because we ar...

It’s been a nightmare trying to find a keynote speaker for our first ever Impostor Syndrome conference..

Everyone I’ve asked has told me that they don’t deserve to be there.

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My kids kept trying to find the Christmas presents so I put them in the attic

Now the pesky buggers are banging on the attic door asking to be let out

I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show

But a Goodman is hard to find

A guy was trying to find a parking space at a baseball game

and he was already missing the first inning, so he prayed to God and said "If you find a parking space for me I promise I'll never miss church again." Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said "Never mind, I just found one."

I've being trying to find an anagram for "sage".

It's taken me ages and ages, but I still haven't got anything.

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During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.

The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package*

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

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God is trying to find someone to give his commandments to.

He goes to the French and says "I have these commandments"

The French ask, "What do they say?"

God replies, "Well there's one here, 'Do not commit adultery'."

The French say, "We are not interested, go away."

So God goes to the Germans and says "I have these commandments"...

Mary and Joseph are trying to find a name for their son

Joseph paces back and forth inside the manger, and hit his head because of the low roof.

"Jesus Christ!"

and Mary: "Ehy, I like that"

Trying to find the girl of my dreams...

...But I struggle because I'm an insomniac.

(Not OC)

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

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[NSFW] Sex with me is like trying to find you’re seat in a crowded movie theatre.

There’s a lot of pushing, a few pained grunts, a shove or two, and somewhere from the darkness you hear the word “sorry...”.

I was at the airport, trying to find my terminal.

I asked “is this B40?” The young lady at the desk angrily replied “excuse me, I’m 22!”

I'm trying to find a job cleaning mirrors

It's something I could really see myself doing

I've been trying to find out what "flabby" means.

But I couldn't see any definition.

A blonde was walking down a river trying to find a way to get across.

She came across a blonde on the opposite side of the river, so she called out “Hey, how do you get to the other side?!”

The other blonde called back “You ARE on the other side!”

I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right.

It was a fitting room.

Dating in your 30s is like trying to find a carpark

All the good ones are taken.. and the rest are either handicapped or too far away.

Batma and Robi, having found the evil villain's lair, are running through it, trying to find him, before he can execute his evil plan.

They go through the entire thing, but the villain is nowhere to be found! Panicking, Batma yells,

"Where is the joke?!"

[Long] Trying to find a date had been really difficult for me recently

I’d been having some mental health issues lately and so my doctor prescribed me with some pills to help treat them. Unfortunately they had the unavoidable side affect of making me hallucinate.

My daily routine didn’t change that much, but it did have a huge affect on my dating game. Every da...

You know Tinder right? Well have you heard of the new app for people trying to find trees?

It's called Timber.

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I looked around for hours, trying to find a Nude Beach.

...but they were all clothed.

I have been trying to find a new hobby

So lately i have been drag racing. I win most of the time, it's hard for them to outrun me in heels

Donald Trump was guaranteed to become president and Muslims native to America started fleeing the country, trying to find out where to head next.

I don't know about the others. But for me, just to get away from Trump, Iran.

I am getting the worst reactions trying to find workout buddies at the gym... one girl even got up from doing pushups and slapped me right in the face.

All I said was she looked like she could use a push-up brah

Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

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Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:
“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “Your nose is really huge, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, bu...

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A translated Norwegian joke

Two guys meets in the middle of nowhere, trying to find their wives.
They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives.

The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, well fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, thight bouncy ass, a massive lust for sex and a face of a model. How about y...

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Tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once...

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Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in fr...

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

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My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

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