UPJOKE

Too Tired Jokes

Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?

He had too many SLEEPLESS knights!

Alternative answer:

Because they Came A Lot.

When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave

It's called a 360 no soap

Three women are trapped on a deserted island

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head are trapped on a deserted island, but can see in the distance land with obvious signs of civilization.

On the first day the brunette decides to swim to the next shore, she makes it about 1/4 of the way before she realizes she can't make it and...

I lit my lantern with a match but now I’m too tired to carry it

I should have used a lighter flame

I was going to make a joke about being Too Tired...

But I'm four-wheeled.

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I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

What does an elephant do when it gets too tired?

Elephaint.

Why was Sir Lancelot too tired to jump over the moat?

He didn't get a good knight's leap.


Wakka wakka!

What do you call a Dark Souls fan who has stayed up too long and has been too tired to play properly for the past hour?

Sleepy Hollow.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

"Can't attack that position. My men are exhausted."

Spoken by a NATO general it means his soldiers are too tired and would not be able to attack without heavy losses.

Spoken by a Russian general it means his supply of men has been exhausted i. e., there are no alive men left to send.

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sex is like being a bicycle

You are always too tired and just want to be rode

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

3 women are on a ship that’s run out of fuel

There’s an island in the distance so the brunette decides to make a swim for it. She swims 100metres but drowns.

The redhead decides to have a go. She swims 500metres but drowns.

The blonde has no choice. She gets in the water, swims 1 mile and gets within 100metres of the island. She ...

Dinner

A man brings his best friend home for dinner unannounced at 7:30pm.

His wife begins screaming at him while his friend just sits and listens.

Wife: "My hair and makeup isn't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, and I'm still in my pajamas! I'm too tired to cook as well! W...

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

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Word of the day...Exhaustipated (adj)

Too tired to give a shit.

I made an account on a dating site for people with sleep apnea.

I got a couple of messages but I'm too tired to check them out.

Why do motorcycles fall over?

Because they're too tired.

(Told to me by my 5 year old).

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Counselling.



A couple goes to marriage counselling. They are sitting talking to the counsellor and she asks what their main problem is, the wife says, “it’s my husband’s work. Because of that, I don’t get any pleasure from sex.”

The counsellor says, “does he work long hours and is never home, or i...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

Today my Grandpa told me he was working on his second million

He said he was too tired, and there was no way he was going to make the first, so he was starting fresh

I live with my wife in a two story house...

"I'm too tired" and "I have a headache" are the only two stories I hear...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland

she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns

The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it

she gets 60 miles in and gets t...

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?

It was too tired.

Why didn't motorcycle cop catch the cowboy?

Well,

The cowboy had some real horsepower and the cop was "too tired".

Why did the bike fall over?

It was too tired.

The Old Man and the Burdensome Load

An old man was tasked with carrying a bundle of sticks from his home to the next town over, and it was a terrible task. The bundle was very heavy, and the journey was many miles through harsh terrain. After many days, he could bear it no longer. His feet were blistered, his throat was dry, and he wa...

A blonde, a ginger and a brunette are all stuck on an island 100 miles away from any other land...

Thinking they have nothing to lose, they decide to each try swimming back to civilization. The ginger goes first, but she can only swim 5 miles before she has to turn back. The brunette goes next, and she manages 25 miles, but she too becomes too tired and turns back. Finally, the blonde goes. Sh...

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A farmer had a constipated cow... NSFW

Fearing for the cow's health, the farmer enlisted the help of his friend. His friend said, "we just need to put a hose up the cow's butt and blow into it."

So they shove the hose into place and the friend blows and blows until his mouth is too tired. Finally he tells the farmer, "I'm too tir...

After a busy day, when we get into bed we become bicycles.

Too tired.

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Young couple codewords

The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in sex. A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I jus...

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NSFW Husband: “Can I get a blow job?”

Me: “I’m too tired for all that Jazz”

Husband: “Then pretend like it’s techno and give it a good beat.”

Outrageous!

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out fou...

I wanted to buy a motorcycle

But I'm too tired to do it.

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Deaf Couple on Honeymoon

A deaf couple gets married and is on their honeymoon. The lights go out and they begin having sex. The next morning the wife says, "Last night we seemed to be fumbling around quite a bit. Probably because the lights were out and we are unable to sign one another. Let's work out some simple signa...

3 men were stuck on a deserted island 10kms off shore.

The first informed the others “We’ve been here 3 days now, it’s time I swim back before it’s too late.”

He swam and swam but after 4kms his arms gave up, he couldn’t keep his head above water and drowned.

The second thought they were better than the first and also attempted to swim b...

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'Who wants to be a millionaire' in real life

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed after watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband says, "Can we have sex tonight?"

The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."

The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"

The wife says, "Yes, it is, tha...

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Have you heard that Trump and Melania haven't been doing it lately?

He's too tired from fucking the environment

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As I lay in bed, gently nodding off, I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress...

...my balls.

It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood.

"Not tonight, honey." I mumbled. "I'm too tired."

"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here." rasped my cellmate.

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A Hunting Joke.

Two hunters are out in the woods, they set up a blind and after a couple of hours The first one says,"Tom, there's something you should probably see," Tom replies,"I'm too tired, what is it?" There was a long pause. The first hunter tries to break it to his friend the best he can, and says," Well it...

A raggedy old nun was walking home ....

.... from the convent one evening, when an old man jumped out of the bushes and had his way with her.

The man laughed and said: "What will you tell the Holy Father NOW, Sister?"

And the nun replied: "I can't lie to the Lord! I must say I was walking home from the convent when a man j...

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It was late at night and I asked my wife a question.

"Honey, would you like to have pizza and then have sex?"

"Oh, it's too late and I'm too tired. Tell you what. I'll do one or the other. You choose."

So I went to the kitchen, took out a frozen pizza, heat it in the oven, and put it on the table.

She came over with a plate and s...

Three women are stranded on a deserted island.

They were on the island for quite some time, but luckily they finally spotted a boat in the distance. They had no flares and no way of telling the boat they were on the island.

The first woman, a brunette, decided to try to swim to the boat. She swam 1/3 of the way, then drowned.

The ...

A father was telling his son a bedtime story

“Once upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....”

“Sorry Dad, but I...

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