UPJOKE

Too Many Jokes

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

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"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then"

*Grammar Nazi bursts in*

"MINE FEWER."

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

[EDIT](http://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/comments/2dmxah/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/)

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

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I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

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6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.

2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.

3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.

4. Someone called you an asshole. But...

What do you call someone who learns too many languages?

Polyglottenous!

I don't sleep with too many nuns...

... but I'm willing to get into the habit.

Did you hear about the priest who got carpal tunnel syndrome from playing too many old-timey card games?

He received the euchre-wrist.

Did you hear about the writer who wrote too many books?

They got author-itis.

My friends tell me I make too many graphs…

but I know where to draw the line.

In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it…

because the punchline is too long.

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

People say I make too many assumptions...

Well, I mean, they don't actually say it, but I know they're thinking it.

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off of my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.

I'm not saying my house has too many books

But I just saw an orang-utan in the kitchen, looking for a banana.

Russia has too many time zones

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones. -"Why"? Putin asks

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulat...

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes?

A pundemic

What disease can you catch by eating too many potatoes?

Tuberculosis

What do Cops become when they eat too many doughnuts?

Feds.

This joke might be too old for you guys, but anyway: "You hear that Rock Hudson didn't have too many friends..

..but he had Nabors up the ass!"

Too many authors to cite?

No problem et al

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What was ruined because too many people started doing it?

Sex with my girlfriend.

What did the Afghans get when too many of them were counting?

The tally ban.

I got kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing "Danger Zone" too many times

They lock you out after 5 Loggins attempts.

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

My wife hates me because I make too many Pokemon puns

She's just Shellos

A king's chef was sentenced to death, after serving terrible food one too many times...

On the day the sentence was to be carried out, the chef brought one of his cakes and presented it to the headsman, in the hopes it would encourage him to make the death quick and painless.









When the headsman returned home, his wife asked how the proceedings had...

The medical term for owning too many dogs....

Rover Dose.

Why shouldn't you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels?

It's pretty whiskey; you might drop one.

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My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I've been helping her tune it. How did we do?

What do you call an X-Wing pilot who makes too many loop-de-loops?

Puke Skywalker

Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages

For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

"Bigamy" is defined as having one wife too many...

Some people define "marriage" the same way.

I hate when i do too many squats

I always end up with so much cake

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NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

Far too many trees suffer from little dog syndrome

All bark and no bite

Why don't you see too many short jokes about wedding cakes?

There are too many layers to it.

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

Too many letters in the alphabet

A teacher was going over the alphabet with her students. As they were counting the letters they kept getting 27 instead of 26. After a few more times counting and getting the same result, she realized she needed to use the restroom.

She went to the restroom and then returned to the alphab...

Too many Daves

a mother went into the Centrelink (welfare) office to discuss receiving benefits. during the interview she was asked about her children.
interviewer: how many children do you have?
mother: 7, all boys
interviewer: wow, thats alot. what are their names?
mother: well they are all named D...

There’s too many perverts in the park nowadays.

I was sat there earlier and everyone kept staring at my erection.

Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?

He ogre-dosed

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

There are too many "You can't see me" memes out there

I've Cena Nuff'

My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?"

Because he ate too many cowleries.

I was making too many puns in r/sandwiches...

the mods had to banh mi

My girlfriend left me for telling too many bad jokes...

I guess her love was pun-conditional.

I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...

... and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arri...

I have too many jokes on fat people

But they don't work-out :(

I guess my girlfriend doesn't like it when I use too many abbreviations.

She got pretty mad at me today for referring to her Bible Study as BS.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

Too Many Characters

A dumb college blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot what...

Communist puns are great and all, but too many of them are just replacing the word "marks" with "Marx."

If you want to be original, you should really approach them from some different Engels.

There were too many vampires on our midst.

So we had to raise the stakes.

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions

I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions.

How old are you?
Can we see your ID?
Whose blood is it and why is it in a pail?

My wife accidentally ordered way too many chicken strips for lunch

She was quite upset about, as she hates wasting food. My daughter I were quite happy to have some tasty junk food for dinner though. I said to my wife "We could do this again, I don't mind eating KFC. I hope this wasn't just a strip tease!"

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

My wife left me because I made too many linkin park references

oh well, I guess in the end it doesn't even matter.

Whenever I feel like I have too many friends,

I tell them I'm a Trump supporter.

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A man who's had a few too many

A man is out drinking most of the day and next thing he knows the night has really gotten away from him. He's so loaded he ends up puking on his shirt. He is telling the bartender that he doesn't know how he's going to tell his wife that he let himself get that drunk. The bartender tells him t...

Why did the lumberjack get fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

Man catches too many fish

I went fishing and I was as on one side of the river the other man was on the opposite. First day he caught huge fish and plenty of them, yet I caught nothing. Second day comes and I take the side the other man was on in hopes of finding his catches yet he takes the opposite of me again. Yet he some...

What happens when you mix too much alcohol with too many drugs?

To get to the other side

Teenagers have too many mood swings.

One second they are all giggly and happy, but when I put in the back of my van, they get all pouty and start crying. Ugh, teenagers.

What did the Fonz catch from sleeping with too many loose women?

Hepatitis Ayyyy!

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

My accountant is tired from doing too many taxes.

He developed H&R block.

My wife says I have too many hobbies

I already gave up tennis and swimming, but painting is where I draw the line.

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How can you tell if you have too many kids?

When they dont all fit it your basement.

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.

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My wife says I use too many words that I don't understand...

I think she's overejaculating.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

What’s it called when too many animals move into Shrek’s swamp?

Ogre-population

What do you get from too many bong hits?

A chronic injury.

I've been telling him too many dad jokes apparently.

Wife: I was feeling sad because the sun went away.

10-year old boy: I'm right here!

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

What do you call it when you have too many pokemon in a tree?

Pika Pika BOOM BOOM!

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references

My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references. She packed up her suitcase, and she walked out. As soon as she walked out of the door, I noticed that she had left her suitcase here. We live in a bad neighborhood, so she packed some pepper spray in it just in case. I quickl...

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In West Virginia you don't see too many locals hang-gliding...

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin' 'bout th...

My buddy in the other room said I have too many cows.

That's what I overherd.

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

Me:I got removed from Olive Garden for eating too many breadsticks. Friend:How many did you eat?

Me:Olive them

I have a problem of hiring too many people for my business, and I finally decided to do something about it.

I am seeing three psychiatrists.

Too many people are obsessing over Frozen.

They need to let it go

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So my mate and I were doing this pub quiz and he'd had a couple of drinks too many

and he was just at that state where he thought it was funny to buzz in on every question and answer "*My Dick!!*".

The quizmaster asks "What is the largest organ in the human body?"

***BUZZ!***

and we're waiting for it, and my mate calmly answers "The skin".

Which is of c...

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