UPJOKE

Too Literal Jokes

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

My friends say that I take things too literally

but I didnt take anything from them

What do you call somebody who takes things too literally?

A thief.

I had to end things with a long-time friend because he took things too literally.

No seriously, he was a huge kleptomaniac.

My problem is I take things too literally.

Like when my wife said she'd give an arm and a leg to lose weight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

The kids tried to name the pet fish

But they were far too literal with names like "fishy" and "flipper".

I wonder where Little Human and Naked Baby get that from.

My wife started getting into bodybuilding but I had to immediately divorce her

She took "cheat days" way too literally

She wanted space.

My wife says I take things too literally.
I say if you say you want "space" and I put you in a vacuum chamber chilled to 2.7 degrees Kelvin you got what you asked for. Roughly.

A man walks out of a bar

stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man rep...

A person has been infected by a disease that has made him unable to see well in dimly lit areas with his right eye.

The doctor proposes he receives a rod transplant in his right eye immediately and tells the surgeons.

Directly after the surgery, the patient asks the doctor, ‘Doctor, the surgery didn’t work, I am now unable to see anything and I even set off metal detectors accidentally.’

The doctor ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

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