UPJOKE

Too Early Jokes

Too Early.

Fireworks being let off already, I think it's bloody ridiculous.

Far too early, my cat was so scared he ran up our Christmas tree..

Is it too early for jokes about the submersible?

Because I have one that will crush it.

It's too early for hurricane jokes

wait for everything to blow over first.

Because the punchline gets spoiled too early.

Why's this time travel joke not funny?

what do you call a chinese baby that was born too early?

sudden lee

Too early for Valentine's jokes?

What did one volcano say to another volcano?

I Lava You!

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

Some say that Steve Jobs died too early

Personally I think it’s a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude towards battery life

Don’t celebrate the end of 2020 and start of 2021 too early...

Next year is 2020 too.

Where do flowers go when they get pollinated too early in the spring?

Plant parenthood

My neighbor knocked on my door and said it was too early to decorate my house for Halloween

Big talk from someone who wears her witch costume year-round.

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It comes too early.

Premature ejaculation is just like the punchline of this joke.

Delivering the punchline too early.

You know what's the only thing worse than delivering the punchline to a joke too late?

Is it too early to make jokes about 9/11?

Yes, you should wait 5 more days!

What do you call a bunch of 12 year olds that leave too early?

A premature evacuation

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I went to a premature ejaculators conference, no one was there....I came too early.

Didn't know what to wear so I just came in my pants.

Born too late to explore the earth, born too early to explore the Galaxy...

...born too ugly to explore a woman.

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I had an embarrassing sexual problem with my wife last week - I came too early

And found her in bed with someone else

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The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares y...

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

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I went to the premature ejaculation support group and nobody was there.

Turns out I came too early.

After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.

A county official noticed an increase in the town’s birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it’s too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

i was in a 3 person band called "Three-play"

It was named "Four-play", but we had to get rid of the keyboard player. He kept messing up the intro by trying to enter too early.

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They had to change the meeting time for the premature ejaculators' support group.

Everyone kept coming too early.

I went back in time to teach myself how to satisfy a woman

I came too early.

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

A pink elephant walks into a bar

The barman looks at him and says

“You’re too early mate, he’s not in yet”

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,

And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for stupid questions."

Dad: I haven't showered since last year

Me: You're too early, it's not 2020 yet!

Dad: Does that make a difference?

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I'm GOING to start a sub for premature ejaculation sufferers.

You guys came too early.

Dialed my friend at 5am to ask about the election.

He said it was too early to call.

Kenny Rogers

Is it too early to say that Kenny Rogers took this whole social distancing thing too far?

What does Jeffrey Epstein have in common with Christmas decorations?

They’re always hung way too early.

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I saw an ad from a local store with an upcoming sale for pills to cure premature ejaculation. When I got there they told me they didn’t have them in stock yet.

Seems like I came too early.

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A trucker was missing his girlfriend

A trucker had been on the road for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend back home and having sex with her. He was nervous about busting a nut too early and remembered reading that masturbating before having sex would help prolong the act. The only problem was that he di...

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I decided to go to Reddit's premature ejaculation party..

But when I arrived, nobody was there.


I guess I came too early.

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Did you hear about the Japanese porn star who took the train?

He came 20 seconds too early and had to apologize to everyone.

Why was Fall mad at Winter?

Because Winter came too early

Did you fall from heaven?

Cause I think you got off a stop too early.

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A man goes to the hospital and says to the doctor

“I’m here for my premature ejaculation exam”

“But it’s noon and your appointment is for 5:30!”

“See doc, I came too early!”

A man lives in a largely democratic neighborhood

He starts hanging up a “Trump 2020” sign. All of his neighbors see it, and tear it down. He puts up a new one. They tear it down. After he puts a third “Trump 2020” sign up, his neighbors approach him.

“Why are you hanging up a Trump sign? We always though you liked Biden!”

“I do” repl...

Black Friday and I have a lot in common

It always comes too early once a year.

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I never get to participate in an orgy.

I always come too early.

What do 3 AM and a pigs tail having common?

They’re both twirly. (Too early)

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Born Too Late To Explore The Earth,

Born too early to explore the galaxy,

Born at just the right time to have sex with virtual reality anime chicks.

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A boy is at school, and they start the day by telling riddles

The boy says: it goes in, it goes out! The teacher becomes red and angry. Get out! The teacher said. So the boy goes onto the hallway. There he meets the principle, who asks him what he is doing there. I got send out of class, because I asked: it goes in, it goes out! The principal get angry, and sa...

My dad told me

about a town that had a lot of car wrecks and their population was dwindling quickly.

The people had an issue with pulling out too early.

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I got fired from my job doing porn...

I had all the dedication in the world but too many times i came in too early.

Population Growth

A small town with a high birth rate attracted the attention of a team of university sociologists. They wrote a grant proposal, got a chunk of money, hired aides and an anthropologist, found a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, and des...

Seems like Harrison Ford is really down to earth

Too early?

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

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Some facts of Zlatan Ibrahimovic:

1 - When he was 10 years old, Zlatan decided to live by himself. And his parents just moved to another house.

2 - Zlatan lost his virginity even before his parents.

3 - One day Zlatan did a test in a lie detector machine. The machine confessed everything.

Arsenal - When Zlatan ...

[True Story] A father meets his daughter's boyfriend for the first time

He welcomes him into the house in the morning and the boyfriend is clearly nervous about their introduction.

The father, wanting to be a gracious host, offers the lad a beer to help him feel comfortable.

Wanting to make a good first impression the boyfriend declines the beer and goes t...

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what did the black kid get on his math test?

barbecue sauce!!


edit: hit save too early - this one works plenty of ways...

What did the white kid get on his test? an A

What did the black kid get? an A

What did the asian kid get? soy sauce!

So a middle school is putting on a musical

The musical is about classical composers and they need three boys to play the leads.

The first boy comes in and says he wants the part of Beethoven. His name is marked down and he leaves.

The second boy comes in and says he wants the part of Mozart. His name is marked down and he leave...

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