UPJOKE

Tom Said Jokes

Tom said, "I have a split personality."

He was being Frank.

"Get in the back of the boat!" Tom said sternly.

"I can't, I dropped the toothpaste," Gwen said, crestfallen.

"Then use that fancy glassware to make some more!" Tom retorted.

"All the glassware is full of Beaujolais," Gwen whined.

"And I suppose the rum's all gone," said Tom, dispirited.

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(Open to the floor.....

two men were walking thier dogs...

Two men, tom and bob were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungr...

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Two old men were talking

Tom said he had started viagra and it was amazing. He was able to have sex like he was a teenager!
Rob, nervous to go to his doctor about this “problem” asked “Well, can you get it over the counter?”
Tom thinks for a moment then replies, “I’m not positive but I think if I take two of them I ca...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

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Best weight loss In town!

A new fitness center was advertising around the city with their fool-proof method of losing a substantial amount of weight in under an hour!

Tom was an out of shape guy that wanted to lose weight badly, but was skeptical about this new spot.

After hearing many of his friends and colle...

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Old Men !!!!!

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.


Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The ...

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

Tom Swift's best moments.

"German sausage jokes are the wurst," Tom said frankly.

"I got cut in half," Tom said intuitively.

"I will never read Shakespeare," Tom said unwillingly.

"I lost my legs right under the ankles," Tom said defeatedly.

"Who turned out the lights?" Tom asked dimly.

"I ...

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

"I feel so average"

Tom said meanly

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What should they say about you when you're dead?

Tom, Dick and Harry where in a terrible car accident. Sadly, they all died. They followed the light through the tunnel and arrived at the pearly gates. Before they could enter Heaven they had to attend an introduction ceremony. After about 15 minutes they where presented with a question; What would ...

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

"The lobotomy was a success!"

Tom said absentmindedly.

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 w...

Tom and Mary were arguing about whether boys or girls were better...

After a long debate, Tom pulled his pants down and said, "Ha! Boys are better because girls don't have one of these!" Realising that what Tom said was true, Mary ran home crying.

The next day, Mary returned beaming. "My mom says that girls are better," she said confidently. "Why? You don't h...

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That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

Old Age Fun

Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and strip naked. Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to ...

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"I'm into homosexual necrophilia."

...Tom said, in dead earnest.

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[Long] Tom was having increasingly bad headaches as he got older...

He was told by his doctor that he had an ailment that made his testicles press up against his spine, which caused him very painful headaches; more pain than he was able to endure. After many referrals, it was concluded that castration would be the only way to cure him. After his surgery, he was fr...

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Tom, John and Peter went for a long-awaited hike together.

After hours spent on hiking up the mountain, they finally reached the summit. Exhausted, they immediately collapsed on the ground, where Tom said,"I've got a surprise for you guys! He immediately took out the most delicious looking food that they ever saw. He then sat a picnic mat down. "This is to ...

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My wife has an alcohol problem

Everytime I come home drunk, she's making a big scene. My friend Tom said I should just put 50$ into my pocket, so I did.

Yesterday I came home drunk as fuck and she was all raging again:

**She**: "Your shirt is a complete smelly puke puddle again, how am I going to get the puke stains...

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