UPJOKE

Today I Learned Jokes

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with.

Verizon Wireless customer service.

Today I learned about the Astley paradox!

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.

Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that the Invisible Man has been masturbating to me

It came out of nowhere…

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

Today I learned that both my parents (and their families) have a long history of cardiac problems

I'm heartbroken to say the least.

Today I learned that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export

And also its biggest import.

Today I learned that Dr. Seuss’ mom was a pioneer in physiotherapy.

Ma Seuss.

Today I learned that Johann Sebastian Bach had to perform at weddings to make ends meet...

Turns out he was pretty baroque after all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned two things!

The word narcoleptic and that I've been telling people I fuck dead bodies for years

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

Today I learned skeletons are actually barred from joining NASA

Apperantly the job takes guts.

Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.

I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Today I learned.

TIL that our oceans are now ten percent spandex. Now they can fit the earth more snugly..

Today I learned...

It’s not polite to greet a blind person with long time no see

Today I learned why Alzheimer's patients love r/jokes

Because there are no reposts


Ps I'm so sorry.

Today I learned that 92% of people will believe everything you say...

...as long as you start by saying "Today I learned..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that MacDonald's was founded by two brothers

named Mac and Dick. The most famous sandwich in America was that close to being called the
Big Dick

Today I Learned



Monaco schools study the map of the city in geography lessons.

Today I learned that diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

Today I learned about a new vocation to which I can aspire: Second Gentleman.

Only problem is, I've been told I don't qualify.

Today I learned, when someone says ' take my breath away ' they...

don't mean their asthma pump.

Today I learned the fame of Albert Einstein pales in comparison to his brother whose work in cellular regeneration has been the subject of many books and several movies.

His name was Frank.

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

Today I learned that the folds in the iris of your eyes are called crypts

No wonder I find them so cryptivating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned how to make an Irish cocktail.

Take a half glass of whiskey and add it to another half glass of whiskey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL:Today I learned that prostitutes in the old west charged as little as $1.00 for their services

You really got a bang for your buck!

Today I learned that heat makes things expand

Your mom is REALLY hot

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

Today I learned that cows can't eat the round bales of hay.

Because they need to have a square meal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned there are somethings you shouldn’t slap the shit out of.

One of them being, a colostomy bag.

Today I learned what Chromecast is...

... and the rest of the family found out what Interracial Bootyhole Stretchers Vol. 3 is.

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

Today I learned the history of the word noodles

Back in ancient Asian territory, they created a food product. They chose to trade it with the Western world. When asked what they called this food, they realised they didn't have a name for it yet. It was a great food that always ended with empty bowls, so they decided to take the English words 'nau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that cats can stutter!

A rottweiler came into my neighbour's yard and his cat said "Ffffff! Ffffff! Ffffff!" The rottweiler ate him before he could get the "Fuck" out.

Today I learned about “gaslighting”

It is a fake word.

Today I Learned

I've been surrounded by a rare species called expectations, apparently they've always been there yet I've never met any of them.

[stupid og joke, I agree]

Today I learned how to read Braille.

It might look intimidating at first, but once you get a feel for it it's pretty easy.

Today I learned...

That I'm on the wrong subreddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned there is a difference between a Grammar Nazi and a Grandma Nazi

unfortunately, I have the second.

Today I learned that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama...

If it had been invented somewhere else they would have called it the teethbrush.

Today I learned about the doctor who tried to create a super drug that would cure all sicknesses, but it was too big.

It was a tough pill to swallow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned the Nazis were instrumental in the creation of Tang and other powdered fruit drinks

But it didn't get far since Hitler hated the juice.

Today I learned that johann Sebastian Bach was a big time gambler...

It got so bad that he went baroque.

Sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that Disney had to rename Moana in Italy because an Italian pornstar has the same name

AND NO ONE KNOOOOOOOOWS HOW DEEP SHE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOES.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today i learned that dolphins are the only animals other than humans that enjoy sex!

I'm not sure if it was worth getting banned from all those zoo's to find out though

Today I learned that 48% of women in the U.S. are battered...

and to think I've been eating mine plain for all these years.

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

The difference between ravens and crows

Today I learned there are very few differences between ravens and crows. But one key difference is they have a different amount of tail feathers, so really, the difference is a matter of a pinion.



posted on behalf of my SO

Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.

Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.

Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.

In medical school, you really do learn something new every day...

...for instance, today I learned that it's inappropriate to refer to infertile people as "seedless".

A young kid asked a question

A young kid asked his parents one how he was made.

The parents ,not wanting to scar him, replied that he was delivered by a stork

Later on in his room the child started on his paper and it read

“Today I learned that I am the only person in the entire world not born regularly”

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