UPJOKE

How to tell if a girl likes you

You can tell if a girl likes you by her ankles:

If they are behind your head, she likes you.

If they are behind *her* head, she *really* likes you.

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke.

But you didn't like it.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

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The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

I was going to tell a joke about fencing

But then I realised it might just be a riposte

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I like to tell dad jokes

But he never finds them funny.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

The captain asks a seamen to tell him how "2" is written in Latin.

The seamen replies "Aye aye, capt'n!"

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown

But the punch line is too long.

A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.

I know the drill.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

I like to tell Dad jokes

But he never finds them funny.

So I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes. It didn’t go over too well, I was asked to leave the orphanage.

My wife asked me to stop with the corny dad jokes. I was doing to do one about chemistry, but now I’m afraid of the reaction.

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I try to tell good jokes...

...but I always punch up the fuck line.

My Uncle Bill used to tell me that the secret to great theatre was ‘always leave them wanting more’…..

Lovely bloke, terrible anaesthetist.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

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How to tell the sex of an Orange.

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a Male.


If it's bitter for no fucking reason it's a Female.

An excited kid rushes home to tell his dad the good news.

He tells his dad he got a part in the school play. The dad congratulates the son and asks what part he got. Son says I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married to the same woman for 25 years. Dad says nice son, just keep at it, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

I really want to tell a joke about cash machines

But I don't have one atm

How many Redditors does it take to tell a joke?

Two. One to post it and another to create a better punchline in the comments.

A nut wants to tell you a secret

You are minding your own business when you hear a "psstt" sound appearing to come from a bag of nuts in your pantry.

Enthralled with curiousity, you drop your ear into the bag and say "what??"

The mysterious sound responds... "stashio"

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

Is it mean to tell a knock knock joke to a

Jehovah's Witness?

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"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

I would like to tell the person who stole my place in the queue

I’m after you now!

I really want to tell you all what makes Indian Curry taste so great.

But I had to sign a Naan disclosure agreement.

I was about to tell some new jokes about the expensive eggs I bought

But before I could, someone poached them.

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I don't know how to tell my friend his cock-shaped clock is tacky.

But when the time comes, I'll be ready.

My grandfather thinks TikTok is an app used to tell time.

It kind of is, because that definitely tells us how old he is.

I want you to tell me the minute my invisibility cloak starts working again.

Have I made myself clear?.

I tried to tell a homeless person a knock knock joke...

Punch line unnecessary.

I have a civil service joke to tell

…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they’ll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an app...

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Why is it so hard for a communist to tell a joke?

It’s not funny until everyone gets it.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

My boss just called me to tell me I’m responsible for the collapse of another bank.

I said “What? How can that be possible. I don’t even work in finance. I’m a builder”

I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.

But they just didn't get it.

Help! I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that she's gotten fat

She now fits perfectly into my wife's clothes.

It’s really hard for me to tell people what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.

I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.

I tried to tell a joke in the British Museum once...

but the sarcophagus gave me a death stare.

My wife begged me not to tell anyone about her foot fetish.

Well I’ve only gone and put my foot in it.

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I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...

...but they never landed well.

I wanted to tell a Chemistry joke…,

however thought that i wouldnt get a reaction…
It was supposed to be a Sodium joke, but Na.

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How to tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water...

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats.....

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

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The police came to my door to tell me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

The fuck they are, I said. My dogs don't even have bikes.

It is illegal to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.

You may be charged with vehicular mans laughter.

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend...

I programmed my smart fridge to tell me how much space each item is occupying.

I think it speaks volumes.

It's easy to tell if someone is an organ donor.

In fact, its a dead giveaway.

I'd like to tell a joke about the Mandela Effect...

...but i can't recall what it was.

Did you hear the one about the Yak that likes to tell jokes?

He’s pretty funny! Only thing is he has to stay away from gluten because he has “silly-yak” disease.

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

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Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up.....

but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

"Darling, I have to tell you something"

A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something"

Wife replies: "What?"

Husband: "I don't know how to say this"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "You're completely deaf"

Wife: "Wh...

What's an easy way to tell if you have a blown head gasket?

Just look for lipstick marks on your crank shaft.

My Stepfather Used to Tell This Joke to Everyone

*What did the farmer say to the cows at night? "It's past your bedtime."*

He told this joke to anyone he talked to, from family to people at the doctor's office. I felt the joke was old the second time I heard it. So, I started working on a response.

Christmas djnner rolls around. We ...

My grandmother used to tell us a joke...

She’d say “Knock knock”, we’d say “Who’s there?”.

Then she’d say “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.

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