UPJOKE
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To Order Jokes

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

If you wanted to buy a car in Russia, you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it.

In Russia, if you wanted to buy a car you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it. So a fellow goes to order a car, brings his cash, stands in line.
The clerk says, “Very good comrade, you will receive your car on this day, 10 years from now”.
The man asks “In the morning o...

I went online to order Oreos and the website errored

My VPN was rejecting cookies.

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

I got Grindr and Dominoes mixed up when I went to order

Regardless there is an 8 inch meat feast on the way and I’m scared.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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Young man walks into a bar to order 6 shots of whiskey...

Bartender asks what's the occasion? Young man replies, first blowjob. Bartender says congratulations, in that case, let me buy you a beer. Young man says, if the whiskey doesn't get the taste out of my mouth,, nothing will.

I decided to order some Chinese.

Still puzzled as to why they gave me food.

How to Order Soup

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

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Josef Stalin was on his way to order the army against the Nazis.

He went to one of the troops, which had 500 men.
Suddenly, one man sneezed.
\- Who sneezovsky?! - he shouted.
Silence.
\- Shoot halfovsky!
Half of the troop was killed, leaving 250 men. Later on someone sneezed.
\- Who sneezovsky? No one says...? Shoot halfovsky! ...

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

What's Sub-Zero's favorite thing to order at a restaurant?

A combo

Why shouldn't you bother to order a flatbread appetizer from an Indian restaurant?

It will be a naan starter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”

“Orchids?” asks the florist

“No, just the flowers” he replied

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

What did the incel say when he wanted to order pasta?

Send noods.

(I'm sorry)

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.

"A taxi."

A man rang the Chinese restaurant to order some food...

"Can I speak to Ha-Fin?"

"No, Ha-Fin is out."

"Is that Ha-Fout?"

"No, Ha-Fout is not in."

"Well, who is that?"

"I'm Ha-Fup, the receptionist."

"Sorry, I'll call you back when you're not busy."

What do you call a long line of angry people trying to order food at a Vietnamese restaurant?

Pho queue

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I decided to order a hooker.

I browsed through Craigslist and found the perfect one. An African American BBW named Ebony.

She arrived at my house just after 8pm, I invited her in.

"Where do you want me, Sugar?" She asked.

"Ok, please get undressed, sit over there on the carpet in the corner, and open your l...

I tried to order a couple of eggs for breakfast in Paris.

The waiter said "One egg is an oeuf!"

I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant

I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.

I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!

Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I ...

It takes more effort to order a pizza than have a child

Have you ever ordered a pizza by accident?

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The waitress said “are you ready to order?”

“My wife is in the ladies “ I said

“Do you know what she’s having?”

“Well she’s been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit”

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and proceeds to order a drink.

Lucky Bastard.

I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

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A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.

The cashier asks, “Hey, are you polish?”

The man then responds, “You think I’m polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I’m German? If I ordered sushi would you think I’m Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I’m Italian?”

T...

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An attractive woman walks up to the bar to order a drink.

As she's waiting on her drinks, there's a lone man sitting at the bar who's obviously had a few.

He looks at the woman and says, "Ma'am, you have the finest ass I've ever seen, and I would take a bite out of it, if given the chance."

"You better watch yourself," she replies, "because ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the riskiest dish to order from a Japanese restaurant?

Fish of the north star.

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