UPJOKE

This One Time Jokes

This one time a cop pulled me over and asked me to say the alphabet backwards...

...so I said "tebahpla eht" and I spent the whole night in jail.

I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone

At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5

This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me

Iran

I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time

I went to the zoo and saw an elephant..

This one time I got into an argument with my furnace.

You could say things got a little heated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there is this one time when a rich man came accross a poor man in a stall on xmas.

The poor man asked, "so what present are you gonna give your wife this year?"

To which the rich man responded, "a diamond ring and a lamborghini."

"why those two things?" asked the poor man in confusion.

"Well, because if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the lamborghini to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one time I swallowed a piece of string. When it came out it was all tied up.

I shit you knot.

This one time, people completely overused a word and ruined it forever.

It was epic.

So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine...

Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some?

Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish.

Me: No, it's free!

*from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*

This one time Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest..

His entry left the judges speechless.

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This One Time ... (NSFW)

I was constipated and couldn't go.

Told my doctor.

He told me to go smack a random woman's ass.

I did.

She kicked the shit outta me.

This one time, I shot a defenseless black guy and got arrested..

For impersonating an officer of the law.

So this one time I was walking through the woods when I saw a bear

I accidentally played dad instead of playing dead and now he can ride a bike.

This one time, I went to prison, but I got out without a scratch-

I beat off all the other prisoners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one time in high school I was called to the front of the class while I had hardest boner I ever had.

It was the only time I thanked God for giving me a micro penis.

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