UPJOKE

This Christmas Jokes

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

This Christmas...

Naughty children will be given £1 coins instead of an expensive lump of coal.

My daughter really wants a dog this Christmas

I am open for new ideas but we normally eat turkey.

My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...

Fortunately they missed.

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

All I asked for this Christmas was a dictionary and I didn't get one

I'm at a loss for words.

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friends - please be careful this Christmas season

Friends - please be careful this Christmas season

Yesterday I went to Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I've never done before: I took a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear readers, this Christmas day, one in five children in London will not have a gift from Santa!!

one in five children in London will not have a christmas tree at home.

one in five children in London will not have a christmas dinner with their family.



This is not an advertisement for Red cross or Salvation Army, one in five children born in London are Muslims and they dont ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor man and rich man

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

I've saved loads of money this Christmas.

I walked out on the wife and kids.

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

What will Santa get me this Christmas?

When I was little, I asked my dad "What will Santa get me this Christmas?" My father replied, "Don't think about getting. Think about giving!" So I said, "OK, what will Santa give me this Christmas?"

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

After wastin g money this christmas on a new 4K TV

I have a new year's resolution

it's 3840 x 2160.

I made snow angels this Christmas...

My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.

I asked my mum for a dog this Christmas...

but she said I had to have turkey like everybody else.

The baby reindeer asked the mother reindeer if it would snow this Christmas.

The mother replied sorry it'll rain dear.

I knew something was off when I was overjoyed this Christmas...

Damn it, I forgot all about depressants.

Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas?

Nothing. He was speechless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mum told me this Christmas joke a little late/early today

A little boy goes to visit Santa at the shopping mall. He sits on his lap and Santa says "Hello little boy, I bet I can guess yout name!", he had previously spoke to the boys mum and he says "Your name is T-O-M-M-Y, Tommy!", tapping on the boys nose with every letter of his name. The little boy says...

Putting all this paper on the gifts I bought everyone this Christmas season made me realize something..

I'm almost a worse wrapper than Lil Wayne

My sister is gifting me some rain forest this Christmas...

Is it possible to hire some local loggers or will I have to travel to Brazil and cut it down myself?

Santa is not the only one receiving letters this christmas; Satan gets letters too...

...but only from dyslexic children

If you have a fear of gaining weight this christmas remember to drink alcohol before eating.

It takes away the fear.

NASA have decided that the Astronauts are going to have a party in space this christmas, the food is going to be wonderful but:

No atmosphere..

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having not made love to the wife for months, I couldn't believe it when I woke up this Christmas morning to a surprise blowjob, that quickly turned into hot anal sex!

I really didn't enjoy it nearly as much as my cellmate, though...

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