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Themself Jokes

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A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themself…

Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?

Patient: Because you don’t take me seriously, and you’re always needlessly pedantic!

Therapist: How would you do it?

Patient: I’m going to jump.

Therapist: Now?

Patient: Yes now! I’m looking at a hundred foot drop…...

What do you call it when a Doctor gives themself stitches?

Suture self!

What did the anxious cow say to themself to keep moving forward.

It's just one step in front of the udder.

What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?

A Portugoose.

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What do you call it when someone shits themself as a joke?

Self deficating humor.

Wanna bully someone? Bully the wheelchair kids cuz they can’t stand up for themself!

This is a joke, don’t cancel me

How do Jewish people defend themself

Jewdo

The real name by which eskimos name themselfs?

I forgot but I swear Inuit earlier.

What do you call someone who sells themself in exchange for spaghetti?

A pasta-tute

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I found out a package thief is in my apartment complex so I ordered a butt-plug off Amazon

That way if it gets stolen, then the thief can go fuck themself

Why did the ussr collapse?

Look at the flag, they gave themself a one star rating..

The two happiest days in a time traveler's life:

The day they complete their time machine and the day they stop themself from completing their time machine.

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?

Nothing. They’ll find themself.

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A sequence of events...

There once was a fly hovering above a pond who wanted to drop an inch to eat some food. In that pond was a frog who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch I can jump and eat them!”. Under the water there was a fish who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch that frog will jump for it and I...

What do Jesus and Jeffery Epstein have in common?

Neither hung themself.

What does a psychologist do when they've lost their sanity?

They talk to themself.

I hate Russian dolls..

So full of themself.

These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing. I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

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I dont trust people that dont masturbate

I mean how can i fuck with someone that doesnt even fuck with themself?

A new redditor comes to r/jokes

"Welcome!" Exclaims r/jokes.

"Hi," says the redditor, "tell me a funny joke please."

"Alright. Let me see what i can find." Replys r/jokes before heading off

While the redditor waits they, binge the entirety of Game of Thrones, watch the entire extended directors cut of...

G.W. Bush, Obama and Trump die and go to heaven...

where they meet god sitting on his throne. God asks Bush:" What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in free trade and our proud nation" and God invites him to his right place. God asks Obama the same question and he answers: " I believe in democracy, help for those who can't help themselfs ...

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Two women decides to go out and have some fun without their husbands.

The night turned out great it was a lot of fun. They got tipsy so they headed back home, but on the road they had a sudden urge to pee, so they climbed over the wall of a graveyard nearby. When finnished, they recocgnised they’ve got nothing to wipe themself clean with. One of them used her panties ...

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

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2 aliens go to a gas station

Alien 1 says to a gas pump "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER"
Alien 2 warns the other alien "hey watch out dude he seems like a badass"
Alien 1 says "NONSENSE, TAKE ME YOUR LEADER NOW OR DIE"
Alien 1 then shoots the gas pump and there is a huge explosion knocking them both down
Alien 1 asks "how ...

At a marriage counselling session for men...

... the counseller asked the men to divide themselves into those that always listen to their wives as a group, and those that are able to stand up for themselves as another group.

Expecting a sweeping outcome, the counseller was surprised to see John sitting alone in the group for men able to...

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

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The Baguette Joke

A man that works for a large insurance company was sent to see the company's therapist. The therapist asked the man why he was sent to see her.
"I am told I have a speech impediment, but I think the really reason I was sent down here is because I hate baguettes," said the man in a crisp and flui...

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