UPJOKE

Them Was Jokes

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

I saw a few nuns at a bus stop...one of them was smoking a cigarette, one of them was wearing a beanie...

You could say they had a couple bad habits.

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

2 people were walking through the woods, and one of them was really hungry.

He pointed at a tree and said, "Look, a bacon tree!" He ran towards it, and immediately got hit by 3 rocks in the chest, legs and hip.

The other person said,

"That wasn't a bacon tree, that was a ham bush."

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

He...

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

Two kids were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything.

So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test". The second one asked," So? Are you afraid?". First one replied, "No, not that. During the blood test, they cut my finger, it hurts".

Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was ast...

I met four professional coffee tasters and every one of them was a terrible person.

I don't know how they can sleep at night.

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Two squirrels were hanging, one of them was humping a walnut like there was no tomorrow. "Are you fucking crazy?" asked the first squirrel

"No... I'm fucking nuts!"

two guys were walking down the street; one of them was a bassist...

the other guy didn't have any money either

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Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy and Jessica Drew walk into a bar for superheroes. After a few rounds of drinks, they got to arguing over which of them was the greatest super-heroine..

Gwen Stacy: I’m Spider Gwen, so me being the best goes without saying.




Mary Jane: *Yawn*




Jessica Drew: Well I’m Spider-Woman! You can’t get any better than that!






Mary Jane: *Boring*.



Gwen Stacy: Oh, we’re boring you, MJ?...

On an excursion, I decided to go swimming with the Dolphins. Unfortunately, one of them was run over by a boat and killed

I'm really going to miss Dan Marino

A couple of gentlemen were sitting by the pool at a nudist colony. One of them was reading "Mein Kampf". "Have you read Marx too?", asks one.

"Yes", replies the other, "but I think it's the wicker chairs.".

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The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

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I woke up, after a drunken night, with two tattoos on my dick, but one of them was done in regular pen ink.

So I rubbed one out.

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