UPJOKE

The Weight Jokes

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”


“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident.

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

What do you call the weight of a porta-potty when the tank is full?

The gross weight

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

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The weight loss method of the century.

A man is watching late night infomercials on a weekend night and sees an ad claiming their system will make you lose 10lbs in one week. The man calls and places an order and they tell him he'll have a package at the door on Monday. Monday morning he hears a knock on the door and answers it to see a ...

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What did the weight lifter say after he bought the wrong protein powder?

No whey.

What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

What is the weight of an influencer's brain?

One Instagram.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

The weight loss program

A man wants to lose his beer belly, so he signs up for a free weight loss program he read about online.

On the first day, he hears a knock at his door. He answers it, and sees an extremely attractive woman standing there.

"If you catch me, you get to keep me," says the woman.

So...

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The weight loss plan

One day a guy sees an ad in the classifieds for a guaranteed effective weight loss plan. He calls the guy and is asked for his schedule of when he's available and that they'll contact him when they're ready.

The next day there's a knock at the door and when the man is greeted by a beautiful n...

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

Why did the diabetic win the weight lifting competition?

Because he was so good at pumping.

When u get to college u get the freshman15 - what do u call the weight u gain during quarantine?

The Covid-19

What's heavier? 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is the feathers. Not only do you have to carry 200 pounds of feathers, but you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

What do you use to meassure the weight of a photo?

Instagrams

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

I've taken up guessing the weight of Dogs by holding them in my hands over lock-down....

...I picked up a few pointers this morning!

What is the weight of all the bones found in one body?

A skele-ton.

A man goes to see the doctor about his weight

After getting off the scales the doctor starts to explain that he is too heavy for his height, being only 5’10 he is actually the weight of a healthy 6’ man.

When the man arrives home his wife asks if the doctor confirmed that he is over weight and needs to slim down.

Happily the man ...

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

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My wife recently pointed out to me all the weight I’ve gained. She like “you can’t even see your penis anymore”

I’m like “thats not true, I caught a glans the other day.”

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later...

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A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet.

A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out 'cause of my new diet!"

His wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale ag...

After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders

After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

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