UPJOKE

The Water Jokes

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

While sailing, I had trouble navigating the waters between Russia and Alaska.

I couldn't get my bearings straight.

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.


When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."


Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

What did the measuring cup say to the water?

I’ve had it up to here with you!!!

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

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“You dug the watering hole where the outhouse used to be…”

“…well shit.”

when you visit America, what will the temperature of the water be?

It depends what state it's in

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So, a Lion goes down to the water hole for a drink...

and a Gorilla hiding in the Jungle thinks it would be funny to run down and fuck the Lion in the ass so the Gorilla does.

And the Lion begins chasing the Gorilla thru the jungle.

The Gorilla runs thru a safari camp and seeing nobody there he runs into a tent and puts on a safari jacket...

Why did the water cross the road?

Because it didn’t give a dam!


-my 5 year old daughter

A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

"Hey, monkey"

"Hey, lion"

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Ten bucks ...

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

I got told to leave the public baths once for peeing in the water.

I was so shocked I nearly fell in the pool.

if you water the water...

...it grows.

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During a water shortage, the government encouraged us to piss in the shower to save the water from flushing

I now have to shower 3-4 times a day and it’s not clear to me how this is helping with the water shortage…

The kid next door challenged me to a water fight.

I thought I'd post this while the water boils.

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What did the grandpa say when his grandchild took a dump in the water well?

Well shit

What did the water say to the cold?

You make me so hard!

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

The Watering Hole

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the...

Whenever my dog goes into the water he doesn't sw, he just floats there

He's a good buoy

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway

“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

I took my dog to the water park,

Staff said it went against regulation, but...

This time they'd let it slide.

In Siberia, at the edge of the sea, a fisherman is going about his business. Suddenly, an American submarine emerges from the water.

The lid on top opens and a sailor comes out. For a while he observes the surroundings with binoculars, then he shouts: "Set course to north-north-east!" He crawls back in, slams the lid closed and the boat disappears underwater.

The man stares in awe at the now still water and when he comes b...

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The water pressure on my bidet is way too high…

It’s a real pain in the ass.

I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.

I think I dyed a little inside.

What's yellow and under the water?

A taxi!


Wasn't funny for you?

Neither it was for the driver

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

What do you call a lizard that likes the water?

An aguana

Jesus and Moses in Heaven

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing. It just waved.

Rest in peace to the water I just boiled.

It will be mist.

Why did the water jump into the freezer?

Because it caught coronavirus and had to self ice-olate!

(made up by my 7 year old!)

why did the deranged man fill in the watering hole?

Because he was mentally unwell.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

can someone please tell me where the land meets the water

geographer: shore

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

Brent and Todd at the water cooler Monday morning.

Brent: What did you do this weekend?

Todd: I took the wife on a trip up to Maine.

Brent: Bangor?

Todd: No, we just talked.

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

Writing a book about a friend that lives with otters by the water

Going to call it "homies otter sea"

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A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

If the waters so “Smart”

Then why’s it in the bottle?

Why does the water hate the land?

Because it’s a beach

Tanya

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

What do you call a soldier that's dead in the water?

Marine Corps

Why did the blind villager fall into the watering hole?

because they couldn't see that well

^^^_yes_i_know^^^

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water...

One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. Dropping the bucket, he ran back to the kitchen.
“Where’s the water?” she asked him. “And my bucket?”
“I can’t ...

Jesus can walk on the water, babies are 86% water, I can walk ln babies, therefore I am...

In Prison

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There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

Hey Jesus stop turning the water into wine...

I'm trying to take a shower

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A fish watched a fly six inches above the water...

He thought, “if that fly would drop 6 inches I would have lunch.”

A bear was watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, If that fly would drop 6 inches the fish would come up and get the fly, I could reach the fish and have lunch.”

A hunter was watching the bear watching the fish...

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Why do hippopotamus have sex in the water?

Have you ever tried keeping a 30lb pussy wet?

Today I dug a two-foot-wide hole all the way down to the water table.

It was well boring.

Two redneck guys were sitting on a dock in Georgia, drinking beer and fishing with their feet dangling in the water.

One guy said, "Oh no. An alligator just bit one of my feet off." The other guy said, "Which one?" And the first guy said, "How should I know? All the alligators look alike."

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

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