UPJOKE

The Spring Jokes

Why doesn’t Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?

Because of Mayweather

How do trees feel in the Spring?

Relieved.

Q: How did the tree feel in the spring?

A: Releaved.

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

It is Spring time in the Bois de Boulogne.

(all spoken parts to be told in a heavy French accent)


A French man and his young son are on a short spring holiday in the Bois de Boulogne, a very large and beautiful park in Paris.

"Papa papa let's go play in the woods!"

The French man is sitting at a table in the garden w...

Who is the only Irishman that comes out in the Spring?

Patty O’Furniture

What did the spring say to the airplane?

Boeing!!

Where do flowers go when they get pollinated too early in the spring?

Plant parenthood

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It’s the spring of 1961, and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

When he gets to the door, the girl’s father invites him in.

“Carrie is not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

Carrie’s father then asks Bobby what they plan to do.

“Probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.”

Carries father responds, “Why don’t you two ...

Why cant you trust math teachers in the spring time?

Because they'll always play matrix on you.

Why does Connor McGregor hate the spring time?

Because he hates MayWeather

(With apologies to George R.R. Martin) The temperature having finally gone up above freezing, an early spring rain began to wash away the effects of the Long Winter...

... but in the holdfast of a minor northern lordling, a small privy with several inches of still-frozen accumulation on its roof remained defiant against the downpour: "You'll never melt this! I shall keep my white mantle unto the end of days, by the Old Gods and the New!"

"No, it is inevitab...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

When I was a kid, we were so poor I had to bathe in the spring.

When money was good, I'd bathe in the fall too.

I was walking by the fridge last night and I thought I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song.

Turns out it was just the chives talking.

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

Joke song titles from the 60s folk scene

1. If I had to do it again, I do it all over you
2. If this mattress breaks, we’ll meet in the spring

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

And then there was the bedbug...

who had a baby in the spring.

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

Three blondes die in a car crash and find themselves at the Pearly Gates in front of Saint Peter.

He says, "Before I let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. What is Easter?"



"Oh," says the first blonde. "That's that time in the fall when you go door to door collecting candy."

"No," says Peter. "That's Halloween."


"Oh," says the second blonde. "That'...

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat...

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?

You plant it...in the spring!

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?

They were married in the spring!

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all...

Well, her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut crystal bowl sitting on top of ...

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

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Reading Cormack McCarthy's ~The Crossing.

You hear about the Texas lion and the New Mexico lion? the old man said.
No sir. I dont believe so.
There was this Texas lion and this New Mexico lion. They split up on the divide and went off to hunt. Agreed to meet up in the spring and see how they’d done and all and whenever they done it wh...

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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

Jesus' Birthday

I've been hearing that Jesus wasnt even born December 25. Some experts think he could have been born in the spring.

At least we have the date of his death nailed down.

A man is tossed off an ocean liner and ends up on a desert island..

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, "*what are you doing that for?*" ...

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Definitely

A teacher has her lesson planned out for the day and asks her class to tell her something definite in the world.

One boy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue." But the teacher says "Maybe now, but what about when it's raining or snowing?" The child looks flustered as he stews over ...

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