UPJOKE

The Shepherd Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The hick shepherd

National TV decides to feature a rural shepherd who has spent his entire life on his mountain without ever leaving his small town.

The interview begins, "So, your life must be quite unique. Tell us, what was your happiest day?"

The shepherd replies, "Certainly, that day when my favor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

"Are those sheep yours?"

"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.

"The black ones?"

"They're mine." He said

"I ...

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

What did the insolent sheep mumble to the shepherd?

You herd me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The shepherd and the lost goat

A TV crew was filming a documentary in a small mountain village, and for their ending sequence they wanted to interview one of the many shepherds around.

\- So, could you tell us about a happy memory being a shepherd here?
\- A happy memory... mmmh... Yes, see, there was that time. A goa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

What did the Shepherd say to Santa?

All I want for Christmas is ewe

One day the shepherd dog said to the shepherd man: “Here are all the 100 sheep. ”

The man was surprised: “What? We only have 97 sheep.”
The dog said: “I know. I rounded them up.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why the shepherd fucks the sheep on the edge of the cliff?

So it pushes back

Why was the shepherd fired?

He fell asleep during inventory

Why was the sheep girl fired?

She was sleeping with the shepherd too.

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have...

A shepherd looks over at his flock of sheep in the pasture.

The day is ending soon, and he has to herd the sheep into their pen for the night. The shepherd calls for his trusty sheepdog and asks it to get the job done.

"Right away, sir," says the sheepdog.

10 minutes later, and the shepherd glances out his window to see the sheep safely in thei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The shepherd and the consultant

A shepherd is tending to his flock without a worry in the world as suddenly a sports car screeches to a halt next to him, out jumps a well dressed man saying "Hello shepherd, if I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, I may take one?"

The shepherd shrugs and the man starts to fi...

Why did The Shepherd Lose His Job?

He was sheepish around the animals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

How did the shepherds wife know he was very drunk?

She could see that he was three sheeps to the wind!

Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

The Man curiously asks,"And ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.

So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge.
She finds a shepherd with a big herd,
and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep.
The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and te...

What did the sheep say to the shepherd?

Stop it!!! You're herding me!!

What did the shepherd say to his dog when he saw a wolf?

Let’s get the flock out of here

Why did the shepherd sleep on the job?

Because he was busy counting sheep.

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The yuppie and the shepherd.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep y...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?

Mick Jagger yells "Hey! You! Get off my cloud!"

The shepherd yells "Hey! McLeod! Get off my ewe!"

Did you hear about the shepherd that retired to the Pacific Northwest?

He was sheepless in Seattle.

The shepherd woke up one afternoon...

"Oh no! I fell asleep! I hope nobody stole my sheep.

Let's see 1, 2, *Zzzzzz*"

A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"

The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."

God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"

The Shepherd say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shepherd get interviewed for the first time on TV

The press is there to promote local products, and they ask a few random questions:

« So tell us good sir, how would you define a good day in the hills around here? »

The shepherd answers : « Well, there was this one time when one sheep got lost and we hunted it with group beats, found ...

A blonde moves out to the country....

A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and pos...

How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went ...

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

Proper English

An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.

"Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!"

The Englishman look...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shepherd is tending to his flock when a man in a sports car pulls up.

The man is wearing a fancy suit and says, "My! What a large herd of sheep you have here! I would like to make a wager with you. If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, you give me one of them."

The shepherd is intrigued and agrees.

The fancy man gets on his phone and makes...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

A blonde changed her hair color

There was a blonde who was fed up with all the blonde jokes she had heard. So she changed her hair color to to brown.

She was driving along a country road and saw a shepherd herding sheep. She stopped and dared the shepherd. She asked if she could take a sheep if she could guess how many of t...

A Woman & a Shepard

(Preface: My father told me this joke when I was little.)

There once was a woman who was sick of all the blonde jokes she had been the victim of. So, she decided to make a change - she dyed her hair, freshened up her wardrobe, even bought herself a new car. Feeling like a bee person, she vent...

A blond is tired of being made fun of for being blond

So many jokes about blonds had given her a bad reputation. So she decides to change her hair color to hide it.

Every day on her way to work she would run into a shepherd with lots of sheep. She decides today to stop and talk to the shepherd.

She said to him “ If i can guess how many ...

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a shepherd...

... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two scientists going for a hike on a hill see a big pile of poop.

One of them said pointing "that poop is made by a male". The other one looks for few seconds at the poop, "nope, that's a female poop, no question about it".

They argue for a few minutes and seeing that they are getting nowhere they decide to ask a shepherd that was watching his sheep nearby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shepherd rescues a beautiful woman from falling off a cliff in far away mountains.

With much gratitude, she says, "Wow, you saved my life so bravely and selflessly. Just ask, and I'd do anything for you."

The shepherd ask slyly, "Anything?"

"Anything, my dear", she replies seductively.

The shepherd points to a nearby sheep and goes, "Can ya' hold this bitches'...

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

A blonde and a shepherd.

A blonde, tired of people assuming she's stupid, goes to a salon and has her hair dyed brown. On her way home she sees a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She stops and asks, "if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd agrees and the blonde guesses, "237." He does some quick fi...

There once were two people out in the woods...

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a...

2 men are stranded in the desert, dying of thirst.

As they walk with all hope lost, one of them spots a well in the middle of the desert.

'Look, a well!' - said the first man

'There is no way that well has water... ' - replied the second man

'We should check if it has water. Look, let's drop that rock into the well to check whet...

A blonde dyes her hair brown and goes for a drive in the countryside

While she is driving, she stops for a shepherd who is crossing with some sheep.
She asks,"If I can guess the amount of sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd replies,"Sure, why not"
So the blonde (now brunette) thinks for a while and says,"261"
The number is right, so the shepherd...

A shepherd and his dog

In a sunny day in the fields, there is a shepherd and his dog herding their sheep's.

The shepherd asked his dog to round up the sheep to the fields. The dog went out and started herding the sheep's to the field.

After a while the dog returned and told the shepherd that he already rou...

A shepherd is tending to his flock of sheep...

...when suddenly one of them goes running off.  The shepherd goes looking for it and after the entire day of frolicking, the sheep comes up to the shepherd and says "I'm ready to go back with the sheep now".  And so the shepherd takes her back to the sheep.

The next day the same thing happens...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by.

He's sat on the grass, chewing on a straw, watching his sheep roam around under the last rays of the setting sun. A jeep leaving behind clouds of dust stops before him, and off gets a businessman clad in an expensive suit a...

counting sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown.

The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I gues...

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

Two friends are walking their dogs...

One has a German shepherd, the other a chihuahua. The one with the German Shepherd says to the other "Hey, let's stop at the bar and have a beer"

"They don't allow dogs at the bar"

"Don't worry, just do what I do"

The man with the Shepherd walks in, and the bartender goes: "Excu...

What do you call survivors of brothel arson?

Pistachios



What does the shepherd call the sheep he just sold? Cashews

What’s another name for a pearl necklace? Chestnut

What’s on the other side of a gloryhole? Walnuts

What was the peeping Tom doing? Pecan



Please help me fill out my nut pun reper...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Where does virgin wool come from?

Sheep the Shepherd couldn’t catch.

Black Sheeps, White Sheeps

A city guy goes hiking and comes across an old shepherd pasturing his flock. The guy is alone so he decides to have a little chat with the shepherd while having a rest. Word by word, their chat gets to sheep.

Guy: How much milk do sheeps give per day?

Shepherd: The white ones or the bl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is shipwrecked on an island

A man is sailing off the coast of Australia when a storm hits. He ends up shipwrecked on a little island.

There are just pastures and a few farms, so he goes up to one of the farms and asks if he can stay. A couple of grizzled old shepherds are there, and they give him lodging.

The ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

A man is out driving in the countryside

A man is out driving in the countryside where he suddenly comes across a big herd of sheep. He stops his car and get out waiting for the sheep to pass over the road. At the end of the herd he spots the shepherd. He goes over to the shepherd and starts a conversation.

-"If I can tell you exact...

A young man grew fed up with modern life

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time ...

...there was a king who ordered to spread the news that if someone could come up with a lie so big that it can't be believed at all the king would gift them a big barrel of gold .

On the first day came forth a shepherd and said to the king : my grandfather had a stick that he could move the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best poet

All the world's finest poets, writers, bards and linguists were gathered in a competition to determine the best among them. After a week of competing, the finalists left standing were a rabbi and an Australian shepherd. Their final task was to improvise a rhyme containing the word 'Timbuktu'.
...

An old shepherd was watching his sheep and resting himself on a very tall club.

A youngster notices him, while passing by, greets him and asks:
"Sir, why are you standing like that?"
He replies: "Like what?"
"Like that: stretching your legs. Why don't you cut off some of that club."


The shepherd takes his hands off the club and points at it:
"Ho...

There was a shepherd working on a mountain near a road.

One day, while he was chilling on the mountain with his sheeps, he saw a car driving backward on the road. He get closer to the automobilist and ask him :
"Why are you driving backward, man?"
"Because if, when I get to the top, i can't make a u-turn because the road is too small, I will be abl...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.