UPJOKE

The River Jokes

An apple and a poo were floating down the river.

The poo yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

A little further down the river the poo yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the riv...

Why did the chicken cross the river?

To get to the otter side.

Beaver 1: “Sir, the river is running at full capacity with no obstruction!”

Beaver 2: “Dammit!”

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

A group of Pygmies went on a raft trip down the river.

They thought they packed enough supplies for everybody.

Turns out, they were a little short.

Why does the river Thames run through London?

If it walked, it'd get stabbed.

Did you hear about the bandits smuggling feminine hygiene products down the river?

They're a real bunch of douche canoes.

A blonde and a brunette are walking on opposite sides of the river...

The brunette yells to the blonde, "How do you get to the other side of the river?"

To which the blonde replies, "Um, you ARE on the other side!"

What did the river say when it saw beavers approaching?

Well I'll be dammed...

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him...

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(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

Two men are fishing at the river on a bridge.

After a while a funeral procession comes by and walks past them. One of the fishers stands up, takes off his hat and stands silently until the procession has passed.

When he sat down again his friend said: “I didn’t know you were such a religious and compassionate man.”

He answered: “W...

Why did the Russian soldier cross the river?

He didn't, but he was dying to try..

Two cats met at a river bank to cross the river. One was named One-Two-Three, the other was named Un-Deux-Trois.

Unfortunately, only One-Two-Three cat made it across. Un-Deux-Trois cat sank.

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

A young man approaches a fisherman standing in the river...

He waves to the fisherman and says, "Wow, great pole you've got there!"

The fisherman smiles, gives a slight nod, and says, "thank you!"

\- "And man, that's some of the coolest tackle I've ever seen!"

Smile, nod, "thank you!"

"Some high-quality bait, too."

Big smi...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

On his cake day, the man swims across the river

When he is in the middle of the river, suddenly a loud voice out of nowhere asks: “plus two or minus two?”
The man decides that more is better than less and says : “plus two”.
At first it looks like nothing happened, but when he gets out of the water, he releases he now has 4 balls.
The man...

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

A man on one side of the river shouts out to a man on the other side of the river, “Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?!”

The other man yells back, “You are on the other side of the river!”

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A Catholic priest and a Jewish priest bathe naked in the river

A group of people walk past the river. The Catholic priest holds his hands in front of his private parts, the Jewish pastor holds his hand in front of his face. The Catholic priest asks: Why are you holding your hand in front of your face? The Jewish pastor answers: Because my community recognizes m...

Two blondes are standing on opposite banks of the river.

-How do I get to the opposite side ?
-You are already there

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, ...

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

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A dutch and belgian soldier patroll the river maas. (Srry if repost)

Patrols are conducted on both sides of the river Maas. A Dutch soldier walks on one side, a Belgian soldier on the other. It is early in the morning and there is still some fog on the water.

The Dutch soldier wonders which section of the army the Belgian soldier is on. He wants to ask the Be...

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Autocorrect is a nuisance. I texted my friend to see if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal

Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back?

Too keep his nuts dry.

There was a hunter who lived alone in the middle of the forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.


One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river ...

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

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Autocorrect has once again fucked me over. I just accidentally messaged my mate asking if he fancied a wank down the river...

Bastard. I meant canal.

I learned to swim when I was very young when my dad threw me into the river

I thought i’d never get out of the bag

What did the sea say to the river?

You can run but you can't tide!

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

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Boudreaux lived down by the river in deep Louisiana.

On the other side of the river lived a guy named Clarence.

Boudreaux hated Clarence and Clarence hated Boudreaux. Every day since they were small children, they'd go down to their river banks and yell at each other across the river. They never really met each other because neither one could s...

How’d the clam cross the river?

Took a taxi crab.

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Two guys go to the river Nile

1: "Yo bro, lets cool off in the river"

2: "Hmm nah dude im good"

1: "Awh come on man, you aren't scared of a little water are you?"

2: "Um n-no, im not, alright lets do it"

So they both swim out into the river, but the 2nd man starts to struggle and thrash around
...

Did you hear about the crazy man who jumped into the river in Paris?

Many people say he’s inseine

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

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An Italian, a Swiss and a black guy are sitting at the river...

The Italian guy hangs his penis in the water and says: "With my penis alone I can tell that the water is about 20 degrees".
The Swiss guy follows. "I can do better. My penis tells me the water is actually 23.5 degrees".
The black guy also hangs his penis in the water. "Well, my penis tells me ...

Wife came out the shower giggling at this joke she just thought up: Why didn’t the beavers send any wood down the river?

Because they didn’t give a dam.

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Paddling down the river...

A Marine was lost in the Amazon. He managed to find a river with a canoe on the banks. He jumped in and started paddling down the river to find a settlement and a way home. As he was paddling, God was in Heaven watching him. God said to an Angel "Watch that Marine row. He has been going for 3 d...

Two Rastafarians go to the river in Egypt and one of them gets in and says "Ey, mon, me not get wet"; his friend replies

"Ya right, mon, you in denial"

An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river...

He's still in the Nile.

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:

Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

An Aboriginal goes down to the river

fishing for crabs. He puts his line in and just as he feels a tug, a ranger comes down and says "you know you're not supposed to be crabbing at this time of the year mate. If you reel that in and you've got a crab I'm going have to fine you." so the Aboriginal pulls in the line and sure enough there...

Why did the ohm swim to the other side of the river?

Because there was too much resistance.

Two fish were swimming together in the river.

Suddenly, they swam headfirst into a concrete wall.

One fish turned to the other and said, "Damn."

A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism in the River Jordan

The priest is standing there, dunking people's heads underwater,and when they emerged he would ask if they'd found Jesus.

The drunk wanders down to the river to join in, and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks his head under the water. when he gets back up, he asks the man if he had f...

If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head...

cuz it is capsized...

I befriended a stone, but it fell into the river

A shame, really. I was attached to that stone.

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"



A second boy...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

Next Sunday I'm throwing all my mayonnaise into the river.

That way I'll sink all de mayo.

There's too much water flowing in from the river...

Dam it.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife into the river?

Tequila.

Why did pirates never sail down the River Thames?

'Scurvy

7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever.

It's all water under the bridge now.

So, a man who's afraid of snakes was walking down the river on a hot summer day.

Seeing crystal like waves flowing through the river, he felt an urge to swim.
Not far, there's a local old man resting under a tree. So he went to him and asked, "Mister, is swimming in this river safe ? Are there any traces of snakes ? "
The old man replied "You needn't to worry about any sn...

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

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A farmer in France sees a foreigner bending down next to the river.

The foreigner leans over and voraciously scoops up water from the river to drink using his right hand. He gulps down the water hungrily, much to the farmer's shock.

The farmer runs over to the foreigner and tries to warns him in French: "Monsieur, ce n'est pas sain! Mes animaux pisse et merde...

Frank says to Bob: "I saw some Grees down by the river. We should go insult them."

Bob replies: "Frank, you know I'd never diss a Gree with you."

Two old men were fishing out on the river

Two old men sat in a boat on the river casting their lines as they the day carried on.

Late in the evening the men noticed a funeral procession passing by on the road in the distance. Without a word, one old man stood up, took off his hat, and bowed his head in a moment of silence.

Wh...

Did you hear about the man arrested for throwing stones and sticks in the river?

There was damming evidence.

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

@theRiver

A pastor was completing a sermon on abstaining from drinking alcohol.


With great expression, he said, ‘If I had all of the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’ 

With even greater emphasis, he said, ‘And if I had all of the wine in the world, I’d take it and ...

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A fly on the river (bit lengthy, bit racy)

First post here. This is the only joke I know...bear with me as its a bit lengthy.

There was a fly buzzing along a river near the shore, exactly 3 inches above the water. It was preparing to descend onto the surface of the river when a fish happened to notice it. The fish thinks to itself, "...

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river.

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

Why did the river cross the road?

To flood New Orleans.

Why did the hummer cross the river?

For the insurance money.

What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding?

Dam it!

"Does this bus stop at the river?"

"Well, if you hear a really big splash, the answer is no."

God asked Adam, "where is Eve?" Adam responded, "she's bathing in the river."

God, "DAMN! Now all the fish are going to stink like that.

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Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

John is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river...

He walks into the river, finally bumping into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks John, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" John shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him ...

Whenever I throw bread at the birds in the river I always miss

Because they duck.

What did the man say when he saw the car cross the river?

Ford!

What happened to the thief in Paris who jumped into the river to try to escape the police?

He was found criminally in Seine.

On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.

He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.

I proudly told him about the small caliber pistol I had for protection.

The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"

Edit: Spelling. I was home-schooled.

Confused I responded "No, why would I do that?"...

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.
A farmer arrives in his pickup truck and asks them:

*Do you know how deeps is the water here? Will i be able to drive through?*

*Sure you can! It’s really shallow!* - one of the policemen answers

The farmer drives his pic...

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How is light beer like having sex in a canoe on the river?

Both are fucking close to water.

A member of the river dance group walks into a bar. And asks.....

What have ya got on tap!?!?

What is the river of negation called?

The Nile

What did Caesar say after crossing the river Rubicon?

"Can someone get me some dry socks?"

My tribal name is sleeps in the river...

I was a bed-wetter

I give lions haircuts by the river for a living

What I do is all but manestream.

Read about that farmer who lost a whole load of crops when crossing the river.

Turns out his boat was full of leeks.

Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding.

The citizens of Cairo are still in denial

Why did the man drowning in the river think he wasn't going to die?

He was in de-Nile.

A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree, when a lizard walks past..

The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river...

Owing to fog a steamer stopped at the mouth of a river.

An old lady inquired of the captain the cause of the delay.

"Can't see up the river," replied the officer.

"But, captain, I can see the stars overhead," she argued.

"Yes," said the captain gruffly, "but until the boiler busts we ain't a-goin' that way."



Source: 19...

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A man is looking for a long lost treasure and comes across an old witch.

He says, "I'm looking for the Treasure of the Hidden Sea. Do you know where to find it?"

She smiles and says, "I do. But there is a price to pay if you do."

"I'll pay anything," the man says knowing that he's been looking for this treasure for three decades. "Just tell me how to get ...

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Two bananas are sunbathing next to a river...

when along comes a turd floating down the river. The turd sees the two bananas and shouts, "hey, you two should jump in, it's nice and warm!"

One banana turns to the other and says, "do you believe that shit?"

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During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

Deep in the Australian bush…

A lizard and a koala are sitting in a large gum smoking a joint. They’re having a blast.
Eventually the lizard says, “Dude, my mouth is so dry. I’m going to get a drink at the river.” So he climbs down the tree, makes his way through the bush and when he arrives at the river he leans in to drin...

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

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