UPJOKE

The Plumber Jokes

"Honey, when did the plumber come yesterday?"

"Hmm he arrived at 10:00 so I would say around 10:08?“

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a jack off all trades

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The parrot and the plumber

A woman who has a pet parrot also has a problem with her plumbing, so she calls a plumber. While she is waiting for him, she decides she needs some items from the store. She thinks she can probably make it to the store and back before the plumber arrives, so off she goes.

Shortly after she ...

If you wanted to buy a car in Russia, you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it.

In Russia, if you wanted to buy a car you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it. So a fellow goes to order a car, brings his cash, stands in line.
The clerk says, “Very good comrade, you will receive your car on this day, 10 years from now”.
The man asks “In the morning o...

Why did the plumber cry ?

Cause all his hard work went down the drain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the plumber say when he cleaned out the sewer line.

"Shit's about to go down."

Why did the plumber get arrested?

Plumbers crack.

The Doctor & The Plumber

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.


The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."


The...

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon’s house.

After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, “I don’t even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon.” The plumber replied, “I agree. You are right! I too, didn’t either, when I was a surgeon. That’s why I switched to plumbing.

How did the plumber die?

He committed sewercide

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

The Math Professor and the Plumber [GEEKY]

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The plumbers lament

My Grandpa told me this one & is by far a favorite:
There once was a man named Harry Dick,
Who was cursed at birth with a corkscrewed prick,
He searched his life in a futile hunt,
To find a girl with a corkscrewed cunt, The day he found he drop stone cold dead,
God damn thing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the plumber wear glasses?

He couldn't see shit without them

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

The plumber found a blunt in my faucet today.

No wonder my water bills are so high.

I walked out of the restroom and the plumber asked me

"How bad is the leak?"

"I mean it did burn a little. I think I'll have to get it checked out"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good friend of mine asked a plumber the best way to avoid clogging the toilet. The plumber told him he should only pee and never poop.

My friend was like, "Really? No shit?"

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”



He replied, “It’s the plumber.”



He thought it was the lady who’d...

The Surgeon and the Plumber

A world-famous and very dignified surgeon called a plumber to fix the flooded bathroom in his office.

When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of used overalls. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed doctor smirked in a condescending way and said: "Do you usually...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the plumber sad?

He had a shitty job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you here about the plumber that had PTSD?

He's really seen some shit.

The doctor and the plumber

A wealthy doctor finds that his bathroom sink has sprung a leak. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and calls in a plumber to repair the pipe.

The plumber arrives and, after about 15 minutes, fixes the problem completely. He hands the doctor a bill for $250 and begins to walk back to his truck. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber:

You stay in all day and nobody comes!

Do you know what the plumber said to the lady when he was standing in front of her sink?

I am at your disposal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the plumber’s boss say when he asked for a raise?

Don’t come in here with that shit!

As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.

But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave : "My heart sank a bit as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive."

Friend : "ohhh hmmmm, and did you see anything disturbing?

Dave : "Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak."

Hey neighbour, the plumber is outside with your new kitchen basin, waiting for you to open the door.

Let that sink in.

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

A Bishop and his plumber played golf

The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " Goddamn it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " Goddamn it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

The plumber was so generous with his time I asked how long he could stay to fix that other problem I had with the sink and he said …

I’m at your disposal

NY Plumber

A lady in NY had a parrot and all it could say was “Who is it?” On day her house plumbing started to leak so she called a plumber and scheduled a service call. At the scheduled time for the plumber she got called away for an emergency. When the plumber arrived, he was an older man, he knocked on t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.