UPJOKE

The Other Day Jokes

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My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.

I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

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My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

I was watching Jurassic park the other day.....

.... when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"

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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

So I was out having beers with the boys the other day . . .

The wife calls and says, "If you're not home in ten minutes I'm feeding the dinner I cooked to the dog!"

I was home in five minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

My wife and I were walking along the beach the other day...

"It's interesting, isn't it." I said. "A woman can walk down the beach in her bra and panties and people would stare and go, 'oh my, that's a bit wrong, that!' and yet, if she walked along the beach in a two piece bikini people wouldn't even bat an eyelid. And, when you think about it, a two piece b...

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I shot a Black Man the other day

I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

I almost had a threesome the other day!

I just needed two more people!

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I was driving past a prison the other day...

Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”

I drove away and thought to myself that was a little co...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses."

Girl: "I don't wear glasses."

Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."

The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...

...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

The other day I held the door for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

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My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

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The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend...

...I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."

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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

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My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

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In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

I went to the liquor store by bike the other day

I was afraid I could fall and break the bottle of whisky on the way back so I decided to drink it all right there

It was the best decision of my life because on the way back I fell off my bike like three times

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

I threw a ball for my dog the other day

A little over the top, but he looked great in a tuxedo

I met few cannibals the other day and they all said the same thing.

They are fed up with people.

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A joke my Grandpa told me the other day...

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jok...

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I got a handjob from a blind girl the other day...

She told me it was the biggest she'd ever had.


I said, "Aww, you're just pulling my leg."

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm

Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

Saw a ford pushing a dodge the other day

What i wanna know is how they managed to keep that rope between them tight?

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I got a really angry and weird look from my wife the other day during sex.

Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.

Now they just call me Dav.

I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.

She said, "My name's Batarka."


I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."


To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

A dear friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day

Sadly, he couldn't swim, so he quickly drowned.
At the funeral service, I gifted his family a life preserver.
It's what he would have wanted.

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I asked this nice girl a question the other day.

She was pretty, young, blond, had big tits and gave me a pleasant smile. I asked her if six inches satisfies? She grimaced and pondered, shifting her weight from foot to foot as if balancing the question and finally replied "no not really".

So I ordered the seven inch pizza instead.

I was wearing my yarmulke the other day, and a man asked me, “what are you, a Jew?”

So I said, “gesundheit.”

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

The other day I spotted an albino Dalmatian

It was the least I could do for the young fella

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

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The other day I held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day...

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

I ate a baby wookiee the other day

It was a little chewy

I went to see the railway children the other day.

It was cancelled and I had to watch the railway replacement bus children instead. Not as good.

My Chinese friend died the other day...

So Yung.

I thought of an inflation joke the other day

It's not as funny today

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I went to a new doctor the other day and found the doctor to be a young, drop-dead gorgeous female!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

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Got mugged by three guys the other day

During the fracas I managed to knock one out, not the best time for a wank but I thought it might have been my last.

Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day....

That's me in the corner.

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A boy was born without eyelids the other day.....

So they grafted some of the foreskin from his penis to make him some eyelids. He's expected to be fine but the doctor said he'll be a little cock-eyed.

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Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

I was reminiscing with an old school friend the other day

I said "do you remember when the sun would rise in the morning and set in the evening?"

He said "ahhh, those were the days..."

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I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

So I went to see the antelope salesman the other day...

He said "I've got good gnus, and bad gnus."

Mom got me the other day.

My mom has never been into jokes, normally she doesn't understand them. Pop loved them, especially dad jokes. He's gone now and moms been sick for 7 months. Oh, and I'm old and single and tell her dad jokes all the time.

Mom, "a woman was here the other day and asked if you were my son, an...

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It was my birthday the other day

My brother gave me a bottle of water with some dirt in the bottom. it was a pretty shit gift but I told him I appreciate the sediment.

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I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day

I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

I had to get my blood drawn at the doctors office the other day

And the nurse didn’t even bring her colored pencils.

Saw a bunch of dead crows in the woods the other day.

Must have been a murder suicide.

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

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My donkey died the other day, so I dug it a grave.

It was an asshole.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

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I was in the library the other day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were?

I replied, "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

I went down to the deli the other day.

I went down to the deli the other day and got myself a sub sandwich. I walked out of the store and towards the park, and I was just about to take my first bite, when out of nowhere, Dave Grohl ran up behind me and snatched it from my grasp. I knew I couldn't outrun him, so I just shook my fist and t...

I watched a documentary on LSD the other day.

I think all documentaries should be watched that way.

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I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cer...

Picked up a hitch-hiker the other day……

the guy said to me ” I’m glad you stopped, but you do know i could be a serial killer”

I said, “what’s the chances of two serial killers in one car”

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

I bought a universal remote the other day

and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

I read the dictionary the other day

At the start you think it’s the aardvark, but by the end it turns out the zebra did it.

I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.

I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

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I saw a girl texting while driving the other day..

it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

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My Grandpa said to me the other day, "Your generation relies too much on technology"

I replied, " no your generation relies too much on technology" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole

I found an old Kurt Cobain pic the other day

Talk about a blast from the past

I visited the wailing wall the other day...

standing there like an idiot with my harpoon.

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I saw a pirate on the street the other day

"Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?"

"Aye, I be a pirate."

"Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?"

"It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off."

"Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?"

"During the mutiny...

I said hello to a German Baker the other day

He said, "Gluten Tag!"

I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

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The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

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The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street.

I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"

Classic Denzel.

I told a joke to Optimus Prime at Universal the other day, and I was arrested.

Apparently they frown upon
Vehicular man’s laughter.

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The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

I invited my girlfriend to the gym the other day. She didn’t turn up.

We just aren’t working out.

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".

Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...

...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

I saw Charles the III walking up a hill smoking a blunt the other day

He was hiking

Met an Austrailian the other day, he said to me

What's your favourite hobby, sport?

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

I visited the library the other day.

I asked the librarian where the books on paranoid delusions were kept.
She leaned in close to me and whispered,

"They're behind you!"

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Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

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So the invisible man masturbated the other day

No one saw him coming.

I got a hand job from Albert Einstein the other day...

It was a stroke of genius

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I met a beautiful girl the other day at the park.

Amazed by such beauty, I went up to her. Sparks flew and she fell at my feet, we ended up having sex right there and then.


I fucking love my new Taser

I was diagnosed with color blindness the other day.

It really came out of the purple.

I found r/atheism the other day

Still can't believe it

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I told my friend the other day I fucked his wife and got her pregnant .

That cured his hiccups.

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So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket f...

The other day my house caught fire.

The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning d...

The other day I saw a one hand man in a second hand store...

I went up to him and told him that I don't believe they have what you're looking for.

I tried to eat a clock the other day.

It was really time consuming.

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Met a woman with 12 boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit?

I helped an old lady off the bus the other day...

Honestly, I don't know how she got up there.

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

My obese parrot died the other day

I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders

I went to the zoo the other day

I saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said it was bread in captivity...

Someone actually complimented me on my driving the other day.

They left a note on my windshield.

It said parking fine.

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

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The other day I suggested that my uptight girlfriend should try masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

The other day I told my boss…

That I needed a raise if he wanted me to stay in my current job, I told him that 3 companies were after me. Shocked he asked me which ones?

I then replied gas, electric, and cable.

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