UPJOKE

The Newfie Jokes

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

A Newfie is sitting at the bar

A Newfie is sitting at the bar having a drink. All of a sudden, a terrorist walks in with a bomb strapped to himself. He sits down next to the Newfie, leans over to him and says, “I came here TO DIE!”

The Newfie raises his glass to the man and says, “Aye good on ya b’y, I came here yesterdi...

An Acadian, a Newfie and a Quebec'er were walking down the beach when they they found a Genie's lamp

The Genie said that he would grant them each one wish. The Genie turned to the Acadian and asked "What will be your wish?"

The Acadian said "Well, I had to start working out West and they don't speak a lot of French there, so it would be nice if they would accept me for who I am."

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scot...

I got the clearance from a Newfie

So this Newfie goes ice fishing.

He drills the hole, sits down, and puts his line in. Now he’s sitting there and he hears this ominous voice,
“There’s no fish down there”

Puzzled, the Newfie gets up, carries his things a ways away. He drills the hole, sits down, and puts his line i...

These 3 Newfies are out fishing in the Atlantic....

...singing *row row row your boat* when a flying saucer appears and the aliens decide to try an experiment. They fire a beam into the boat that instantly removes a quarter of the Newfie's brains. The Newfies continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.*

The aliens decide to intensify ...

A lobster trapper

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wig...

There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die...

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead.
Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."...

The Hunting Contest (Newfie Joke, Canadians understand)

A Newfie, An American and a Canadian enter a hunting contest, the person with the biggest piece of game wins, the Canadian goes into the forest and shoots a deer, the Newfie goes "how did you do that?" the Canadian says " I followed the tracks and shot it". next the american goes out and shoots a mo...

A Quebecker and a Newfie are sitting in a bar watching the 10 o'clock news...

... and they see a story about a man standing atop a building contemplating suicide. The Quebecker turns to the Newfie and says:

"I bet you $100 that guys going to jump."

"You're on", says the Newfie.

They watch for several more minutes, and then watch as the man swan dives to h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Newfie, a Torontonian and a Frenchman were at the last stage of being accepted into a government spy agency.

There was only one final test. The Frenchman went in first. The agent told the Frenchman, "Take this gun, go down the hall to the last room on your left and shoot your wife."

Frenchman says "I cannot do this, you're mad! I love my wife!"

"Well sorry sir, you are not fit for this agency...

2 brothers and a newfie are going ice fishing.

After they load up the truck, the two brothers hop in the front, and the newfie jumps into the back bed of the truck. As they are driving across the ice, the truck breaks through and begins to sink. The first brother opens his door and swims to the surface. As he starts taking his clothes off, the o...

Hunting License

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pull...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Newfie brothers are looking for a job...

The first brother walks in and the recruiter asks "What do you do?" The Newfie replied "I'm a diesel fitter" and the recruiter says "Excellent, we can put you to work straight away in the oil fields." Excited, he goes and tells his brother he has a job. His brother walks in and the recruiter asks hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in.

As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Newfie gets back on his bar stool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A unique Newfie joke

*Note: I am a Newfie, and Scottish/Irish heritage as well, so this is my favorite joke to tell. It works better when some of the actions can be performed...*

A Scotsman, Irishman, and a Newfie are exploring a jungle on an island in the Pacific. They come across a tribe of cannibals and are ca...

A man from Newfoundland has just moved to Calgary and enters a local pub.

The bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The Newfie says, "Three pints of beer, please."

The bartender says, "Are you waiting for someone else?"

The Newfie says, "No, this is in honor of my two friends. We all took jobs on the mainland, and before we left we agreed that whenever we ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the logging camp...

A Newfie goes to northern Ontario to work in a logging camp. His first day, the foreman gives him a chainsaw and sends out to cut trees. He comes back at the end of the shift and the foreman asks him how it went.

“Jeeze, dat was hard work, but I did cut down two trees.”

The foreman say...

A Newfie is walking home kicking old bottles, when a genie pops out of one.

"I can grant you three wishes," says the genie, "so choose wisely."

The Newfie says "Give me a beer that’ll never run out."

A bottle appears in the Newfie’s hand and he downs it, but when we pulls it away from his mouth it’s still full. The happy Newfie continues walking home.
...

Italian, Ukrainian and Newfie on a Lunch Break..

An Italian, a Ukrainian and a Newfie high-rise construction worker were all up on a huge building about to have lunch. They all took a seat and opened up their lunch boxes;

"Mama mia!" Said the Italian "Mya wife! She always give-a me meat-a-balls! If I get meat-a-balls in my lunch tomorrow, I...

Late for work.

A newfie rolls into his factory job at 10:30. The floor manager comes up to him and says:

"You should have been here at nine o'clock,"

The newfie responds:

"Why, what happened?"

An Italian, a Mexican and a Newfie...

are working steel on a high rise 30 stories up in the air. At lunch time they all sit down on one of the beams and open their lunch pails. The Italian opens his and says "Mama mia not pizza again! If I get pizza one more time I swear I'm going to jump to my death.
Next the Mexican opens his lunch...

3 men are repairing a barn roof when the ladder gets knocked over

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie are all up on a barn roof doing repairs when a strong gust of wind blows their ladder away. The barn is in the middle of nowhere so they might have to wait days before someone passes by to save them.

They all begin looking for a way down but the only t...

John sees a "boat for sale" sign and decides to go take a look...

Behind the sign the there is only an old tractor and a beat up truck, so he goes to the door and an old newfie answers.

John says "I'm interested in the boat you have for sale"

The newfie looks confused and says "no bye, I ain't got no boat for sale."

"But" John says, "you hav...

A Newfie walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. 

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No" he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? ...

I tried to translate a joke from Canadian

Did you hear about the war between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland?. ? The newfies were throwing grenades the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Newfie goes to a bar.

One sunny day, a Newfie was walking his dog down the street, when he noticed a bar along the way. He wanted to grab a nice cold beer, so he tied his dog's leash to a nearby tree, in the shade where it's cool. As the Newfie sits down at the bar and orders a beer, a police man walks in, and asks every...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian Army NCO was about to start....

...the morning briefing to all of his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of...

A German, an Italian and a Newfie are sitting on a steel girder...

...hundreds of feet above the ground, having lunch. The German opens up his lunch box and lets out a groan. "Mein Gott!" he says. "Not wiener schnitzel again! I'm so sick of wiener schnitzel, if I ever have to eat wiener schnitzel for lunch again I'm going to throw myself from this girder."

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The CIA needed to hire a new member to the staff.

Well, the CIA was in need for a recruit, so they held out tryouts. Thousands of applicants showed up, most american. Needing only one person, they held tests, and interviews, and more tests, and more interviews, until they finally narrowed it down to these last three guys.


The first two ...

My favorite Newfie joke

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.



There was a Nova Scotian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there's something suspicious so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Canadian guys discover an old oil lamp...

3 Canadian guys - One Newfie, One Quebecois, and one from Ontario are working together on a construction site. While digging they discover an old oil lamp, which, when picked up immediately belches forth a smoky, strange looking individual they know must be a genie.

"Thank you for freeing me,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newfie, an American and a Englishman....

Are stranded on a desert island. Each day they search for a way home and some food to survive until the next when one day the Englishman stumbles upon a mysterious lamp. The Englishman rubs it and a genie appears.

"I will grant you one wish"
"Grant me to be home with my wife and kids" ...

A poet and a Newfie die

They are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says that to get in they must make a poem that says Timbuktu. For the poet this was simple and he said ; I was walking in the desert sand. When I came across a caravan. Camels walking two by two. Destination Timbuktu

For the Newfie thi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.