UPJOKE

The Most Jokes

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

What is the most confusing day in Alabama?

Fathers Day.

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

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What's the most useless creature in existence?

Mermaids. You can neither eat them nor fuck them.

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

What's the most persuasive argument against democracy?

"Have you ever worked in retail?"

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

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I think I enjoy the rodeo position the most

Its where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind then you reach around cup her tits and whisper in her ear.

"Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters."

then you try and hold onto 30 seconds.

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids


(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

I asked the gym trainer which machine to use to get the most beautiful women

He said the ATM outside

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a milli...

What is the most mediocre state?

OK

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

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The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

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Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

What’s the most British thing in the British museum?

The name.

What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle?

The Polar Bear

Someday in the near future, Canada will become the most powerful nation in the world.

And then … you all will be sorry.

The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is...

If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

The Most Dad Joke of Puns!

All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.

Also it's my cake day!

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

Why is r/jokes the most environment-friendly sub?

Because we recycle 100%

What's the most important part of the Popemobile?

The catholytic converter.

What's the most beautiful sound on earth?

An accordion falling from an 8th story window and landing on a banjo.

What's the most boring instrument?

A dulcimer

Which is the most unfriendly of the Carribean islands?

Hate-y

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most annoying thing about carpenter porn?

The ads about hot shingles in your area.

The Most Successful lawyer...........

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a p...

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

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so, the apostles hired the most beautiful escort in all the village…

Jesus had just come home after spending a long day out in the village miraculously healing the diseased and injured. the apostles decided that since he had been working so hard to help the village people, they would show their appreciate my hiring Jesus an escort. they went to the village and hired ...

What’s the most infanticidal vacuum cleaner?

A Dyson

What is the most common digestive issue among pathological liars?

IBS!!

What institution servs the most unhealthy meals?

The Mayo Clinic.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

What's the boxer that cleans his house the most?

Mike Dyson

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The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

The most victimless crime is murder

There is a victim less when your done

What is the most selfish type of bomb?

A mine!

What is the most selfish bomb found on land?

>!A landmine!!<

What is the most selfish one for water?

>!Nestle!!<

Among all the machines out there, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

Which Greek philosopher had the most hair?

Follikles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which Amusement Park Ride was the Magnet the Most Attracted to?

The Ferrous Wheel.

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".

"you are mean!" She replied.

I said "no, you are".

What's the most stereotypically Korean-Canadian name ever?

Oh Canada

Whats the most expensive haircut?

***Chemotherapy***

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

Which religion has the most costumed vigilantes?

Zorro-astrianism

What do marble countertops hate the most?

Being taken for granite.

Who are the most open-minded presidents?

Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield, William McKinley, and John F. Kennedy

Shoplifters are the most introspective criminals.

They are always taking stock.

Why are herpetologist the most inquisitive zoologists?

Because they axolotl questions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the land…

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

What is the most influential culture in the world?

Agriculture.

Y'all know what amazes me the most? A thermosbottle.

In the summer, if you pour a cold drink into it, it keeps it cold. In winter, if you pour hot tea it keeps it warm.



Like, how the hell does the bottle know, when it's summer and when it's winter?

Where is the most romantic place to sit in the Chesapeake area?

By the Bae

Who’s the most philosophical person?

Security guard


“Who are you?”

“What are you doing?”

“Where are you going”

My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

I used to think the brain was the most important organ

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

What is the most common middle name?

Its Y.

If you don't trust me, verify by asking 10 random people around you.

Rugby most be the most salacious sport there is....

It is the only sport that has hookers right on the field and involved in every play.

What is the most curious amphibian?

I'll give you a hint: They axolotl questions.

What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ??

Thata ginger would have two friends.

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

What's the most popular dating app?

Google calendar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked, "What's the most awkward thing you've said during an orgasm?"

I thought for a second and said, "Probably...You're better than my girlfriend."

"Wow," he laughed, "What did she say?"

I said, "Nothing, dead people don't talk."

What will be heard the most at Jerry Spinger’s funeral?

“Bury! Bury! Bury!”

What's the most frustrating thing that can happen to a man?

When their wife misuses the word "mansplaining".

Which NFL players swear the most?

The offensive linemen

What's the most emo country in the world?

Qatar

What the most expensive textile?

CASHmere

Which event on earth do aliens hate the most?

Miss Universe

What is the most refined element?

M'ladium

This is the most paranoid I've ever been!

No, wait -- That's just what they *want* me to think!

What's the most searched word on Bing?

Google

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

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Constipated people are the most carefree ones

they don't give a shit

France has the most flags on the moon of any nation.

The intense UV light bleaches all the flags placed there white.

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

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