UPJOKE

The Moment Jokes

America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m dating a linguist at the moment.

I’m like: “Yeah, suck it good, bitch!”
She says: “Suck it _well_!”

Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…

€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.

I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking.

"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young vaccum cleaner salesman on the first day of the job knocked the door of a house. The moment they opened, he poured a bottle of dried dog poo on their carpet.

"If I cannot remove all the poo from the floor within the next 10 minutes, I will lick them off myself " He said in a confident tone.

The owner gave him a packet of mints and said

"Here is for your mouth after you complete, my electricity got cut off only today today morning due to lat...

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

From the moment I saw my wife's abacus tattoo,

I knew I could always count on her.

I'm teaching my Grandson the alphabet at the moment, starting with the hardest first four letters..

..the rest is just e-z

Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment?

JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!

My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "probably failing my driving test."

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

The moment I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof

I was shocked

I’m in hospital at the moment

Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

The moment the Washington Nationals won the World Series

Was absolutely briceless.

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’in the heat of the moment, I told my girlfriend she sucked at blowjobs!

And she responded “That’s the whole point idiot”.

The moment I knew she was a sub

Was when I licked her forehead and it tasted of Italian herbs and cheese

The moment we find out dogs really could sniff out coronavirus infections...

We'd ask WHO, let the dogs out! WHO! WHO!

From the moment I saw you I knew I wanted to do unspeakable things with you...

Like playing charades!

With everything going on at the moment, what is the leading cause of dry skin?

A towel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The moment in class I knew I had dixsexlya

My teacher had to really spell it out for me.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

I’ll never forget the moment my doctor told me That I was deaf

It was really hard to hear

The moment I start enjoying Mexican custard dessert dishes..

Start flanning my funeral.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning,

and does not stop until you get into the office

I'm writing a book on how tornados and hurricanes develop....

At the moment it's just a draft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The moment I reached home,my wife was standing at the door and told "I got a call from "Amber" and she said she slept with you 5 times".

"Err... Wrong number," I replied. "It has to be a wrong number."

She pulled out her phone and showed the photo.

"Then,explain this !"

"Well, I'm not denying sleeping with her .But that dumb bitch is either bad in counting or memory. We slept 7 times so far".

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

The moment USA used drones in middle east

They were spawn killing the terrorists

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor…

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor asking to speak to my husband.

I told him my husband wasn't home at the moment.

He called several more times, and again, my husband wasn't home.

Getting tired of his phone calls, I finally said to him to hang on a minute. ...

Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.

We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

I'll never forget the moment when NASA accomplished every child's dream

...by blowing up a school teacher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

What do you call the moment a person stops using glasses?

First contact

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf..

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table

I like to name my hotdog "The Moment"...

...so I can relish it

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

A young lady was swimming at a pool in the gym and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her bit exposed.
Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.


This got even more attention. She looked down at the sign: “...

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

One mucks around in fountains.

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.