UPJOKE

The Mexican Jokes

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Why does the Mexican guy take xanax?

For hispanic attacks

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

Why did the mexican start taking anti anxiety meds?

He was taking them for hispanic attacks

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The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: "Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?"

Juanita: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do."

Wife: "Who said that you iro...

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car?

Carlos...

What do you call the Mexican food that watches you from the bushes?

Stalkos

What do you call the Mexican secret service?

FB ay ayay ay

Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?

They only had 2 vans

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.

He named the other one hose B.

Did you hear about the Mexican magician who disappeared?

Uno, dos, and POOF he was gone without a tres.

What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?

Jose and hose B

Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn’t habanero

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

TEQUILA!

What is the Mexican cartels favorite water sport?

Narco Cholo

An Brit, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a flight when one of the plane's engines fails.

The crew throw all the luggage on the plane off to lighten the load, but they are still too heavy. The pilot goes on the intercom and says that 3 people need to jump off the plane to save everyone else. The Brit stands up and says, "God save the king!" before jumping to his death. Next, the Frenchma...

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

Why did the Mexican train conductor get arrested?

He had Loco motives

Did you hear about the Mexican George Michael tribute act?

He's called Carlos Whisper

My dog decided to join the Mexican Wrestling circuit.

I guess it was his dream to become a Puchador.

Did you hear about the Mexican dish that was framed for murder?

His lawyers are claiming it was a quesa-mistaken-identidilla.

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway

“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein.

They told him, "No whey, José."

Why did the Mexican fail his writing class?

Because he refused to turn in his essay!

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A Mexican man cannot find work and finally heads home for the evening.

On his way home, he finds a cross at the bottom of a hill. So he kneels and prays to God, "Please God, let me find a way to feed my family".


At the top of this hill, a black man was walking home from grocery shopping when the bottom of his bag gave out and a cheese wheel rolled straight ...

What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected?

[removed]

The Mexicans are really angry about the wall.

Don't worry, they'll get over it

What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?

Get off me, homes.

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

The Lawyer and the Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:

"You know, my house is worth more than yours."

The lawyer is confused. He responds:

"How? Our houses are identi...

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

The Mexican Food Matrix

In the Mexican Food Matrix Neo has to choose between the red sauce and the green sauce

Why'd the Mexican cross the road?

He took the chicken's job.

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

Why did the mexican man steal a train?

Well he had loco-motives

Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist?

His-panic disorder.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

What did the Mexican say when he left the recording studio?

Audios.

How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out the window?

Where you going essay!?

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

Why did Sherlok Holmes like the Mexican restaurant?

It gave him good case ideas.

What did the Jamaican guy say to the Mexican guy when he asked him if he likes ham?

Ja mĂłn

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

The Mexican guy next door was fired and kicked out of the house in the same day

You should've seen hispanic

Did u hear about the Mexican who drove his Audi into a lake?

Quattro Sinko...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

There was a debate in my class about the Mexican/US border

Some argued that a wall was needed, and a rather racist friend of mine jokingly said:
"Mexicans are rather dumb, some barbed wire and such would be more than enough to keep those thieves out." After a short pause, he added: "As long as they don't start to steal the border itself".

Unsurpr...

What plane does the Mexican President fly in?

AirForce Juan

What did the Mexican cannibal want to eat, after going on thrill rides at the county fair?

Carny Asada

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A Mexican on his bicycle crosses the border with a large sack.

The border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, it’s just grass.” The agent looks into the sack and lets him pass. The following week, the Mexican crosses the border again on his bicycle with another sack and the border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, i...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

Why did the Mexican guy order whiskey without rocks?

He hated ICE

A man walks into a juice bar and orders a smoothie. The Mexican behind the counter says "would you like to add any milk protein?"

The man responds, "No whey Jose."

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

What did the Mexicans say when they heard Trump was building a wall?

We’ll get over it.

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