UPJOKE

The Longest Jokes

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the...

Probably the longest joke I know

So this man is driving in his car to work, and he hears this beautiful noise that he needs to immediately hear.

He drives to the noise and it brings him to a church where he encounters a priest, the noise is louder now, he asks the priest:

“What is that noise? It is so beautiful!”
<...

What's the longest-lasting thing made in China?

COVID-19

Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history

He also caught that ball

What's the Longest Word in English?

Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

The shortest sentence in the English language is also the longest

I do

What takes you the longest to get ready in the morning?

Finding the will to live.

for the longest time I've been told that we canadians apologize for a lot of things that aren't even our fault in the slightest

So in the name of all canadians I'd like to apologize for that

The Longest Password Ever.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at ...

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

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What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

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The guy with the longest penis in the world will never be forgotten.

He touched people very deeply.

Why is today the longest day?

Because it's 24/7

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

Who was the longest sitting U.S. President?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

i couldn’t figure out seatbelts for the longest time.

then it just clicked.

the longest, most infuriating joke ever

One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.

"...

Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

Who's the longest serving Mayor of bacon city?

Oscar Mayer

My 9 year old son just told me this joke & hopefully its an original

What do you call a droid that always take the longest route?

R2 Detour

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The longest joke I know

A mime had just been kicked off his street corner and was looking for a place to perform. He decides to go to the zoo where all the kids are and maybe get more attention. Well it works and he is a natural crowd pleaser. People gather around him and he is getting all the attention. This goes on for a...

What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

The longest relationship I’ve had is with my first vibrator.

We were together 7 years. Off and on.

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me.

He was in denial.

Allegedly the longest joke in the world: The story of Jack, and Nathan the Snake

It's actually so long that it won't fit into a Reddit post, but it's [worth the read if you have like an hour to kill.](http://www.wattpad.com/2012108-the-longest-joke-in-the-world-a-man-in-the-desert#.Uaa7x8qwUgk)

The Longest Joke in the World

http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

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For the longest time I refused to attend PTA meetings because I couldn't stand the fact that each one ended with an orgy.

But eventually, I had to come on principal.

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

What is the longest game of Deal or No Deal?

Brexit.

Yesterday I had the longest deja vu....

I stayed 30 minutes in r/jokes.

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

The Longest joke in the world (sorry if re-post)

it's totally worth it! [7 Page Joke](http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2a5xwx/truthmafia.com/archives/1554)

I haven't run a 5K for the longest time.

I usually try to go for the shortest.

Just made this up myself, but someone's probably come up with it before though...

What is equally the longest and shortest sentence known to man

Q) What is equally the longest and shortest sentence known to man?

A) "I do", just two words that last a lifetime

The longest joke in the world

No link posts, so you can read the whole thing here:

http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

When they told me the longest race ever had taken nearly 5 hours, I chuckled.

I’ve been running from my responsibilities for 19 years now.

What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition?

Atrophy

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[NSFW] The world record for the longest cumshot is 14 Feet.

"Was it a local dude?"

"No, he came from afar."

Credits to u/Moontoya

The longest joke in the world (Shortened)

So this guy is driving in the desert when his car breaks down. He gets out and began looking for help. He can't find any and passes out of heat stroke. But he survives and a snake stared him right in the eyes. 'AHHHHH!!!' He screamed. 'Hello' said the snake 'My name is Nate and I am a magical snake'...

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What's the longest word in the world?

Marriage. Because it's not just a word, it's a fuckin' sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

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Four American Indians are arguing over who has the longest penis

The first one says, "watch this," and proceeds to tie his into a knot.

The second Indian refuses to be outdone and proceeds to tie his in two knots.

The third Indian refuses to be shamed, so he ties his tight into three knots.

Then the forth Indian says, "How come?"

What is the longest part of a woman's body?

Her legs. They go from the floor all the way to paradise.

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

For the longest time, I thought that you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks.

But he was never able play dead until just now! That rascal won't move no matter *what*

For the longest time I hated tumors....

but they are beginning to grow on me.

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

What letter has to wait in line the longest?

Q

The longest relationship I had was 10 days.

Then she deflated.

I've been friends with my recliner the longest.

We go way back.

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Four construction workers on top of a 50 story building are arguing over who has the longest penis...

One of them suggests they unzip and dangle over the side to see who has the longest.
The first guy proudly announces "All the way to the 33rd floor!"
The second guy responds "Ha!, 23rd floor!"
The third guy is smirking, thinking he has everyone beat. "12th floor!"
They notice the...

yesterday, Judge Thompson issued the longest sentence in the Supreme Court's history,

needless to say, it was run-on.

The longest I've been sober is 5 years...

...then I turned six years old

Why do procrastinators live the longest?

Because they die at the last second.

Which is the longest toilet in the world?

Indian Railways

A man has been seeing the same doctor for yeats for the same symptoms with no results.

Finally one day the doctor says, "Okay, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take the longest, hottest bath you can stand, then I want you to open all the doors and windows in the house."

The man says "But doctor, I'll get pneumonia, won't I?"

And the doctor says "Yes, but I kno...

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Lady on a plane

Was reading Cosmo, and a guy sitting next to her asks her, "Are you reading anything interesting?" She says it says men with the longest penises are native American." He says that is very interesting. The lady says it also says Jewish men have the thickest penises. She says I'm sorry I didn't get ...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Two women left a bar after a night of drinking

On their way home they began following a set of railroad tracks.

After several minutes following the tracks, one woman said "This is the LONGEST flight of stairs i've ever climbed in my life!"

The second said "it's not the stairs that bug me, it's these damn low railings!"

Macbeth’s fortune

Liz Truss: Devil granted me the wish that I will meet a king and a queen during my time as PM. Hence I will be the longest serving PM!

God: That may not be the only way to look at it Liz.

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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life!

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

Longest Drum Solo

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

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A guy gets on a Greyhound bus and finds a seat next to an attractive lady.

They say hello and chat a bit, then the lady decides to read for a few hours.
When she finally sets her book down, the man notices the book is titled "True, Unusual, and Medical Facts About Sex".
He says, "That must be quite an interesting book."
"Yes," she says, " it's got some amazing inf...

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



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