UPJOKE

The Last Time Jokes

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

For the last time

Bob returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I on...

The last time I was someone's type.

I was donating blood.

28 years ago I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time.

Today's my birthday

I honestly cant remember anything about the last time i visited an osteopath.

Yet it was only a week back.

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

The last time I did any public speaking was the valedictorian speech in high school.

I was the one yelling “You suck!” from the back.

The last last time I had a threesome with my wife and my buddy…

The last last time I had a threesome with my wife and my buddy, I told her, "I have a friend in you." Yeah, that's why it was the last time.

A man is on his deathbed addressing his young wife for the last time

"My darling wife, you are the love of my life and our bond is eternal. I don't want you to be with any other man after I'm gone. Will you promise me that?"

"Yes, of course", the wife replies with tears in her eyes.

"If you break this promise, I will roll over in my grave."

"You ...

The last time I was inside a woman was

when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet...

...he finished it.

The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?"

The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"


Heard this at the dentist this morning

I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

When was the last time an Incel went for a run?

Last night on World of Warcraft.

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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For the last time, I am not gay.

I just date people that are, to show my support.

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That’s the last time I go to the internet for sex tips...

...I Googled ‘fingering a girl guide’ and got 20 years in prison.

The last time I got Indian food I had a slight problem with the bread. I told them not to worry though.

It was a naan issue.

When was the last time the Twitch Streamer got laid?

About a Fortnite ago.

I can't remember the last time I listened to Staind

but its been awhile.

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My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex...

Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10

Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.

I got kicked out of a graveyard the last time I went to Scotland.

They didn't appreciate me writing "Graveheart" on William Wallace's tombstone.

The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away.

I don't know what he's up to now.

Every Christmas, my mom sends me out on a wild goose chase whilst she wraps all the presents, but I told her that this was the last time.

I don't care what she says, next year we're having store bought turkey like everyone else.

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This is the last time.

Im starting to get frusterated with this Prince of Nigeria.

Sure he was nice enough to let me know I have $1,000,000 waiting to be sent to me but man he needs to get his shit together.

I have sent the $500 processing fee in four times now and he keeps losing it.

I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

That's the last time I eat seafood.

It made me feel a bit...eel.

The last time Easter fell on April Fool’s Day...

...Jesus tricked everybody by making them think he was dead for two days.

Person 1: For the last time, it's not "reverse gravity", it's called BUOYANCY

Person 2: *shrugs* Whatever floats your boat

I’m having a hard time remembering the punchline of this joke about the wife who found her husband, naked and unconscious, after he’d cheated for the last time.

The long and short of it was in her hands.

They call it Mormon but the last time I checked the men are always after more women.

My GF thought her joke was hilarious.

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

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Remind me to tell you the crazy story about the last time I flushed a toilet.

Shit went down.

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

The last time I refused a beer...

I misunderstood the question

I got twelve upvotes the last time I made a 9/11 joke here.

I guess you could say it crashed and burned.

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Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

The last time an exorcist came round I forgot to pay the bill

I got repossessed

I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a Mexican girl!

As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

For the last time, I'm not racist!

I specifically called it African American Friday!

That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.

He really couldn't hold his drink.

I still remember the last time I created my own version of Fight Club.

Come to think of it, it was around the same time I was fired from the YMCA...

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

That’s the last time I lend my car to an Italian chef

The last guy left it al dente

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The last time I got a piece of ass ...

My finger broke through the toilet paper

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My wife said she's leaving me because she can't remember the last time we had sex

I was so shocked I nearly dropped my rohypnol.

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I was at my wife's friend's house to pick up some glassware from the last time we all got together

And my wife's friend walks in and says
"I want you to take off my shirt"
So I take off her shirt, and she says
"Now I want you to take off my pants"
So I take her pants off, and she tells me to take off her bra and panties, so I take them off. Finally, she says "and if I ever catch you w...

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My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends. I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said, "Truth." "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked.

My sister replied, "A week ago."

I burst in through the door and yelled, "I knew you were faking it last night."

The last time I made a hasty judgment call that was wrong, I hit my head.

That’s the last time I jump to contusions.

The last time I made a chick moist....

was a water balloon fight in 4th grade.

The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels.

I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

The last time I saw an asian guy beat that badly.....

...it was by an indian girl at the Scripps National Spelling Bee

This is the last time I have to be a slave to an alarm clock for a while.

I mean, it will be a whole other decade before I have to do it again

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A mailman retires after 30 years service and starts his route for the last time.

At his first house, Mrs Smith congratulates him on his retitrement, takes him upstairs and boffs his brains out.

Afterwards she takes him downstairs and sits him at the table which is made up with pancakes, bacon, eggs, coffee and a one dollar bill on the plate.

After starting to eat h...

The Last Time I can Make this Joke

I happy to see Caitlyn Jenner is happy, but I was disappointed she did not go with the name I suggested- Bruce Jennerfer.

"And that's the last time I ever pet a lion",

said Tom, offhandedly.

The last time people got so upset over a cup..

It involved two girls.

I just saw a church message sign that said “When was the last time you thanked God for Jesus?

So I said “God, if you’re listening, Jesus says THANK YOU!”

The last time I was this drunk I had to take a bus home...

Which isn't really a big deal, but I've never driven a bus before.

The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.

"Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."

I hadn't seen my grandma for a long time, she looked so different from the last time I'd seen her. She told me that she had become a vegan for a few months now.

She had changed so much since she became a vegan. It was like I'd never seen herbivore.

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

This is the last time you will ever hear this joke and have it make sense

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Yourself: I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Happy new year everyone. I'm sorry to all those who are in the future right now who can't enjoy this joke.

Got sick of rubbing my wife's feet so the last time she asked I finally told her no, and let me tell you...

...hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.

The last time I stayed in a hotel I asked for a wake up call.

So the next morning the front desk called me and asked "What are you doing with your life?"

"I'm up."

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

A LADY lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any ...

That's the last time Shang Tsung accompanies my family to the fish restaurant....

He spent all night trying to steal my brother's sole!

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